Having to lower your expectations.

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Its a pretty direct thing, but did you feel you had to lower your expectations upon realizing that you have AS.

I donno, its just a strange feeling that has come over me today. I cant expect to get a girl friend that will last, cant be sure Ill be able to have healthy kids, cant expect to ever have consistent employment. Cant expect to be liked or to look good, or much of anything.


I donno this is the first time that Ive really had to change how I think of my life and its not to pleasant.

I guess this really points out how spoiled I was in my life, but I kinda started to take all these things for granted, and now I realize I truly cant.

I am in the same boat but I knew I would never marry and have kids long before I knew about Aspergers.

I believe genetics plays a really big part in this anyway and I would not want to have a child like myself who have to endure the same crap.

They say we are logical thinkers and here is a dose of mine that I use to comfort myself.


Time is moving forward no matter what any of us do I am in employment right now my future is not clear but everyday we all get closer to death.
I try and fill my days and take enjoyment when I get it.
Life with this hard but many things are worse also many people have a better life.
Use life the best we can because it won't last forever.

The best way to meet someone for a lasting relationship is to pursue your special interests and look around for a good Aspie of the correct gender. It is much easier to maintain a relationship when you have a special interest in common and similar ways of socializing. Hubby and I met on a role-play forum focused on Ancient History. He's into military history, and I'm fascinated by social and technology history, but there's enough overlap for interesting discussion.

For me, it isn't so much a matter of lowering my expectations as realizing that it really is NOT this hard for everyone else. Currently, Hubby and I are looking at ways to simplify our life, hopefully to a degree that we could comfortably live on what we already have lined up in the hopes of giving me the option of retiring before 66.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

I could, but there's really no point. I might as well try and fail because otherwise all I am doing with my life is waiting to die.

I lowered my expectations long after I knew I had AS. I figured I may never have a relationship and any man I am with will just dump me but I got lucky instead. I figured I may never have kids because they are too expensive and we lived in a small apartment, I was wrong. Then I thought we would never get a house because too expensive and you have to pay to maintain it and the yard and too expensive and don't forget the utility bills, I was wrong. I am not expecting I would go to college and get a degree and have a high paying job.

Yes, I did lower my expectations when I discovered I have AS, especially around socialilising and relationships. I stopped comparing myself to NTs and started comparing myself to other aspies instead (based on posts here) and realised that, hey, by aspie standards I'm not doing too badly! Eg. while having never had a relationship is unusual for an NT (unless there's something seriously wrong with them) it seems to be pretty common here. It's all a matter of perspective.

I am going through a bit of this myself right now.

I have always pushed myself to the extreme.

However, I will never rid myself of the expectation that I can get what I want.

What I need to do is realise it will take LONGER than I want.

I cannot do as many things at the same time as others. I get overloaded really easily and have meltdowns/shutdowns from it.

I need to reduce my load and expect for things to happen slower.

I still believe I can achieve many things, however!

This is one reason why I believe life coaching is so helpful for us on the spectrum. To be able to work with someone who can help you formulate personalised goals and to take into account everything you are and help you break it down into achieveable steps has helped me SO much!

I would recommend you not lower your expectations in terms of what opportunities will be open to you, because with the way disabled people are making headway in terms of civil rights, you're going to face fewer and fewer barriers--and your kids, if they're autistic as well, even fewer.

It's okay to accept that your life with autism is going to be different from the NT life you thought you were supposed to have; it's even okay to feel sad that it will be different. But that's all it is: Different. There's no telling whether it'll be better, worse, or just about the same. The only way to tell what life is going to be like is to go out and live it.

Just don't let the world tell you that autistic is tragic and different is wrong. Last time somebody told me that, they got an earful of lecture. That's not exactly a trivial threat; I'm autistic, and I can lecture like nobody's business.

The main problem with lowering your expectations is that it's impossible to predict the future.