Apologizing too much

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I can't stop second guessing myself. I get so worked up, sometimes worse than others, about how my intentions will or might be misconstrued. I explain and apologize half to death. I don't want to be this way, but I think especially in circumstances where I either cannot avoid someone or really want things things to go well, I fall into what I would call "sorry-syndrome". I try to delay and tell myself that I should just let things be, and it just builds. Then I am further angry at myself because usually I come across worse for apologizing so much. I don't want to be this way. I am trying not to be this way. Has anyone gone through this and made progress in getting it under control? I think it is so ingrained over the years, it is habitual. It's been one of my coping mechanisms because for so long I did not know what I was coping with - I just learned, when in doubt - say sorry. I think I just don't know when I should be sorry. Which actions require "sorry"? Any insight would be appreciated.

No advice here, but I share your greater sentiment. You're not alone.

Thank you very much. I needed that. I feel really alone tonight.

Ahh!! I have this exact same problem. I don't have anything to add that can help, but I would love to know if anyone does. It annoys most people that I spend any time with, they get so frustrated that I'm always apologising.

Myself, too. You are not alone on this front, OP.

Yes, and yes. I was terrible with this, but have improved.

What helped for me was to really take note of how people reacted to my apologies. I'd notice that, on a few occasions saying "sorry" did not help or register with the other person, it sort of flipped a switch making them pile on guilt even more. Also reading that some mistake or see "sorry" as a sign of weakness helped, too. It at least made me take a step back and question why.

Maybe take a step back yourself and test reactions, if unsure don't apologize, sit back and see what happens. Treat it as an experiment.

Hope this helps.

I used to over do it, now I under do it. It's like there is no between for me and even my husband has noticed this. I either over do something or under do it. My emotions are the same way.

I still apologise a lot and its useful because I do drop some real unhelpful statements. Saying sorry all the time is quite another matter. I have done that on and off over the years. I would suggest its related to how much you want to conform and in turn the amount you want to conform will be related to what you want to gain (or not lose i.e damage control) through conforming. What I mean is saying sorry all the time is a symptom of something else. Figure out what that deeper issue is and you can start dealing with it.

I aplologise all the time too. I really have no advice though, because I haven't gotten my habit under control either : /

Same - i should change my profile signature to "sorry im a man!" tho for personal reasons.

On a side note - what the heck we all got to feel sorry for? Dammit im me and if you cant handle that then get da feck out. Pleaes dont take offense tho - sry!

Thank you all for your responses

I will try both the "experimenting" and I will use mindfulness to see if I can identify a "deeper issue".

I'm "in the same boat" as the expression goes--I apologize for everything I do or say, even when it makes no logical sense for me to apologize! People tell me constantly not to apologize so much. Because they've called it to my attention, and asked, "Why are you apologizing?" I've had to really think about it, and I've noticed that I seem to apologize more when I am at a loss to read someone's emotional response to something I have said or done. What I'm trying to train myself to say instead: "What do you think?" or "Have I said / done something wrong?" etc. As with many of you, I started apologizing as a child because I was frequently saying or doing things which really might not have been the right thing to say / do and might have merited an apology, but it became the "defense mechanism" you identified--a way to deflect disapproval when my statements or actions might seem strange or unfathomable to another person, or when their reactions were unfathomable to me.

@ Entek: Good point. Its not like other people apologize to us, when they may have done something or said something offensive to us.

I've been there and done that with someone I used to hang out with. I would always over-apologize for stuff I might have said or not have said. Then I realized that he would insult some of my family members and not bother to apologize to me, so...yeah. That helped to get me out of the over-apologizing bit. Don't get me wrong; I do apologize if I know I've done something wrong or have hurt someone's feelings, even unintentionally.

@noxnocturne: Exactly! Its like we feel compelled to correct every little thing that might be taken the wrong way, but oddly, it seems to be a very one sided deal, lol.

I (as told to me by others) apologize excessively. This seems to be because I know that one should say "sorry" when a person does something wrong. But I have a hard time understanding when I have or have not crossed a social rule or have been the cause of inconveniencing someone, so to be on the safe side and indicate that I intended no harm I say "I am sorry". I also say "I am sorry" when I am trying to show empathy to another person. If someone tells me about something bad that has happened (ranging from being a day where they drop lots of things, or something got stolen, or there was an illness with them or someone they know) as a way of implying that "I am sorry that this has happened", but this does not always seem to work. Many times I am told that "It is not your fault, you do not need to apologize", even if sometimes (the getting in the way of another person) is my fault.