Control freak tendencies

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Has anyone ever heard anyone describing people on the spectrum as being control freaks? The only sense in which I can think this accusation might arise, is when the autist tries to impose elements of predictability in his/her environment, to the detriment of others. I suspect this may be much more common in the childhood of people with Aspergers, it certainly was for me, when I alienated potential play mates with insistence on things being a certain way.

But, I can honestly say that I never attempted to impose control on someone's solitary behaviours i.e. actions they were carrying out which did not involve me - that's more of an NT thing (i.e. staring and saying "you're holding the such-and-such the wrong way, let me show you" - even when I'm content to continue with the method that I am.) No, these control episodes always entailed joint behaviours like playing/imagining.

What irks me especially about control freak tendencies is there seldom appears to anything tangible (or even intangible) for the control freak to gain. Could it be an evolutionary instinct, I wonder - maybe they see our "culture" as inferior and it's an attempt to subjugate - after all, human history is replete with certain groups like Europeans subjugating other cultures around the world and dismissing their ways. Then imposing their rituals on them instead of letting them retain some differences. So the one-on-one control freak situations could just be a microcosm of this. Of course the control & conquest also entails the gain of territory, but maybe the control freaks we deal with feel that they are acquiring our "territory" in a more abstract sense, and yes, sometimes they do use us for resources.

But it's definitely a tricky situation to deal with a control freak and convince them of the error of their ways. Example: in a shared living situation years ago, I came home and the other person left a bunch of my stuff from the cupboards on the counter, declaring a unilateral edict that I was to relocate them to another cupboard (even though our food wasn't previously mixed up, just bordering a bit tight). Even I as the Aspie would not have approached the situation in this way but would have used tact and asked "I was just wondering, would you happen to have a preferred arrangment for the food in the cupboards?" I'm sure NTs have encountered this crap too amongst themselves, not as frequently though, so the behaviour must be in large part motivated by acrimony towards the Aspie.

The NT control freak may be motivated by insecurity too, but not in the same way as the Aspie i.t.o. need for predictability. Just that everything has to be "just so". Or that it's a narcissistic streak i.e. others should bow down to them and accept their word as divine on any conceivable or trivial possible matter. All control freaks are bullies, but not all bullies are control freaks (but pretty darn close). Having said that, a lot of the time these control freak bullies don't even care about the issue at hand but are just looking for a cheap thrill of control for sake of control. We Aspies tend to fall for them more often under the pretext that they are helping us and with our lack of insight into what is "expected" of us in situations, we tend to defer to them and it's a lesson learned with some psychological scars along the way sometimes.

I have thought of control freaks as controlling their environment to suit their needs, and thus ensure their survival. Not even just survival, but a better life for them as it fits their needs/wants and therefore disregards others' needs/wants.

Maybe there is some correlation between control freaks and having a traumatic past. Not sure.


"The NT control freak may be motivated by insecurity too, but not in the same way as the Aspie i.t.o. need for predictability. Just that everything has to be "just so". Or that it's a narcissistic streak i.e. others should bow down to them and accept their word as divine on any conceivable or trivial possible matter. All control freaks are bullies, but not all bullies are control freaks (but pretty darn close). Having said that, a lot of the time these control freak bullies don't even care about the issue at hand but are just looking for a cheap thrill of control for sake of control. We Aspies tend to fall for them more often under the pretext that they are helping us and with our lack of insight into what is "expected" of us in situations, we tend to defer to them and it's a lesson learned with some psychological scars along the way sometimes."

^ I very much agree with this. I lived with a control freak for some years and it was her way or the highway. It got to the point that she didn't consider other peoples' feelings but her own, and thus made everyone conform to her way. Instead, very few roommates really did conform, but got pissed at her. Since her tendencies were mainly surrounded by orderliness and pitching in the equal amount of rent-type things, I didn't have to worry as I have OCD and worry too much about screwing people over, so I always did pitch in equal amounts.

I do not feel it's good to push one's beliefs on others, but I think we do it without realizing it. They tend to do it to an extreme and without any remorse as they feel it's necessary for themselves (and deceitfully say it's for others).

Like you said, Aspies generally fall victim to their tactics as the world is sometimes a scarier, mysterious place, and they have all the "answers" to guide Aspies along the way.

I know I have scars due to it, especially from NT control freaks.

It's like "walking on eggshells" around them.

My control freak tendencies involve what number is the volume setting on my TV and where is my stuffed penguin in relation to my stuffed Garfield in relation to my stuffed doggie in relation to my stuffed bunny on my dresser and also don't wipe my furniture to show me how dusty my stuff is because I don't want anyone touching my dust particles either.

I was bossy in my childhood and was controlling. I still have that controlling personality but I have learned to cope with it and mask it. I now just prefer to be alone and if things don't go my way, I quit. I walk away and they can just do however they want to do it. Then other times I will be the sheep and do whatever they want. My husband sees me as being controlling and thinks I control him but I don't tell him what clothes to wear or what movies to watch or shows to watch or what games to play or what to eat.

I'm either really passive ore really controlling. The only time I'm comfortable in a social situation is when I have complete control over the topic, reason for meeting, and length of the interaction. I seek out people who will lead me around or people I can drag along with me.

I have often been called a control freak. It used to confuse/ surprise me because I never force someone to do something but I think that for any creative project, it has to be my way or I won't participate. I just have a really hard time doing something someone else's way...

When it comes to being "in control", my only strong request is that others do not attempt to take the control of my life away from me, particularly when I am experiencing a vulnerable or stressful time that I'm capable of getting through either on my own or with "a little help from my friends."

I'm an Aspie who has worked with and communicated with Aspies who have been utterly obnoxious with me. Some of these people truly could not help the way they behaved because they had terrible role models -- a parent or "care giver" who was dishonest and manipulative, who bullied others and taught the Aspie in their care that the best way to behave was to be a bully. One really HOPEFUL thing I can say about these Aspies is this: they were and are young. They still have time and opportunity to learn other behaviors that will not be so off-putting to other people.

Recently, I attempted to help a "mature" woman via the internet who was having difficulty getting a formal diagnosis of Asperger's. She was very frustrated because she kept spending money and getting what she believed to be WRONG diagnoses. As it happened, she lives in a part of the West Coast where I once lived and I'd worked with a pdoc who would give her the correct formal diagnosis IF he believed her problem was indeed Asperger's and NOT one of the other possible problems she was certain could not possibly be correct. And she was oh so nice, nice, nice as I gave her a link to this Psychiatrist's web page and two different telephone numbers and filled her in on a bit of my own experience. Once she had the data SHE wanted, she totally lost interest and out of nowhere, sucker punched me on a social forum. Comes back in ALL CAPS about how I don't understand that she just can't handle me communicating with her any more. ?1? Now THAT is manipulative and controlling. I immediately signed off, shut my computer down and haven't signed back on to that particular site for more than three weeks, now.

Do I believe she has Asperger's? Possibly. But if she does, she's likely in her early 60's and no one has been willing to give her the formal diagnosis she's so desperately been seeking for all these years. I had a formal diagnosis of Autism at the age of ten and the more granular Asperger's in my early 30's. She may have BPD co-morbid or Rapid Cycling Bi-Polar II, perhaps. For me, it is enough to control my own life and my own feelings without attempting to "run" the lives of other people, unless they explicitly ask for my help or advice. And even then, I may be stepping into someone's nasty little power trip, where they get insecure because I show them unconditional kindness, which they don't know how to handle gracefully.

I have a strong conscience, am not a jealous person and believe in being honest as possible without breaking people's hearts over trivialities. I am FAR from being anything resembling perfect. I still have melt downs, social anxiety, bouts of PTSD, shut downs (occasional atonal seizures), ADHD, chronic insomnia... and have to take medication for these things. I don't take a LOT of medication....it bothers me to have to take ANY medication. Does that sound like someone who is in CONTROL? Of course not! So if I cannot control myself without the help of one med or another, who do I imagine I am to attempt to control the life, feelings and actions of anyone else?

Very. The majority of my OCD uh, stuff, is control related. Fear of losing it, mostly. That is the central theme.