I need advice, going through major crisis?

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I could safely say my life is pretty much in shambles. I was born in 1990 and I had an extremely tough time from 14 onward, I had a great childhood, I was your typical kid, just a bit more mischievous, creative and destructive. I grew up in a small upstate New York town, I hung out with mostly kids from my immediate area, one was similar to me and I believe has Aspergers or another social disability, we were usually bored and caused trouble together. Around 14 I became very socially inept, most of the other kids were into sex(I was on the inside and had fantasies, but on the outside I was afraid to discuss it).

My best years ended around 2003. I became a target of bullies, I was kicked out of my school district at the age of 10 in 2000 and sent to a special education school. I was sent to a primarily black "jail-prep" school in 2004(Due to behavioral issues and fighting) where a white boy like me was even more of a target, I was forced to defend myself by fighting, I became a very violent and angry individual.I refused to tell my parents because I felt that would make me weak, I was a truant and constantly fought with my parents over it, to the point where my father knocked my front tooth out with his cell phone.

After that, I was sent down to North Carolina in a wilderness survival camp for malcontents. I left after a little more than thirty days. I was then sent to a Connecticut boarding school but left after a week, I then went to a private day school which was okay but I was also in many fights and the target of bullying.

I dropped out in 2007 at age 17. I went into a work/study program while living in NYC with my grandparents. I volunteered for a couple of years and earned an equivalency diploma.

I held one job at the age of 16 for a few months. I had a short stint last summer as a janitor. Other than that I sit home all day, smoke pot and hit the gym. I live a sad, lonely life. I am still a virgin to this day. I am starting to contemplate checking myself into the psych ward(would be about my sixth stay in one).

I have lost contact with the majority of childhood friends. My social skills were great while I was in the work/study program(which was also for kids with Aspergers), I made many friends. Now I am reverting back, I no longer make eye contact and I am very uncomfortable in social situations. I am also back in my town. I miss NYC because it was easier just not to stick out.


I think I am intelligent, at least for a guy who really did not receive a proper high school education and is self-taught in many areas.

Do you think there is hope for me, any advice?

Could you possibly move back to New York?

If you are somewhere you are unhappy or feel you don't fit you will never feel right. The good thing is that you have good insight into why you have had the behaviours you've had, and it seems largely stemming from adverse environments and people not understanding you.

I'm sorry I don't have any amazing advice. I would quit smoking pot as it makes people paranoid and that's the last thing you need with everything you've been through.

Hope it all gets better for you soon.

A few thoughts:
1) Don't worry about being a virgin. Sex is perhaps the most overrated thing in human society. You're not missing out on anything.

2) If I had to guess, I'd say that your regression in social skills is caused by your isolation (which in turn causes more regression, which causes more isolation). The solution is to go interact with people. It's going to be really rough the first couple of times, but if you push through and don't let the initial failures get to you, it will get better (you should also interact with people regularly because, without this, your thoughts will gradually become stranger and stranger, and you'll begin acting weird). Of course, just going out and meeting people is very hard, so here are some options:

a) Meetup (it's a website). There will be a subsite for your area, and you can find a group with people who share your interests (perhaps gym-goers?). The advantage here is that you can cycle through groups if things go catastrophically wrong, and you'll be meeting strangers, so if they end up not liking you, it won't matter.

b) College classes. You can find a community college in your area (or an actual college, if you can get someone to pay for a few classes), and start attending. I'd recommend a basic English class, which will be large enough for some anonymity, but also give you a chance to talk a bit, but anything will work, really, as long as you make an effort to talk to people (don't worry if you think you're being awkward or weird. Community-college goers tend to be damaged in some way, and regular college students are so massively self-absorbed they don't notice anything).

c) Church. I'm not sure I'd recommend this one, partly because the sheer number of people in the church can be frightening and partly because I have no idea what faith you are. On the other hand, evangelical megachurches are everywhere, the members pride themselves on being incredibly friendly and tolerant of social oddness, they put in lots of work into integrating a person into their group, and after a few weeks, they'll even call if you don't show up (never having been to a catholic or mainline protestant church, I am not sure if they are as overwhelmingly friendly as the evangelicals are, but odds are they'll at least try to be nice and tolerant). This all is going to be incredibly hard for you for the first couple of times, but if you can push through, you can almost certainly get your social skills back.

3) Get a job. It doesn't have to be a good job, but getting a job is the first step on pulling things together. It gives you something to motivate yourself around, it structures your day, it makes you talk to people a little, and it gives you money to spend on things. You're probably going to have to stop smoking to get one, but that's probably something you should do anyways. If you really need an intoxicant (which you probably don't), stick to booze. It's worse for you, but it's not illegal and people don't test for it.

4) Don't go to a psych ward. Unless you're suicidal or uncontrollably delusional, there are always better options than this.

5) New York might be a good move, or it might not. Going someplace familiar could give you the extra confidence to get back into life. It could also make you more anonymous and introverted, which will make everything worse.

Just adding my two-bits:

Reading your posts, you obviously do not lack intelligence. You've really been through the ringer. You've made it this far and I am sure you are tired, but I have no doubt you're going to make it through.