How do you deal with people like this?

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Fifteen years ago my father in law told my wife (she wasn't then, she was 15) that he wasn't her father and that when he worked on oil tankers he used to take her mum on some trips and one of his colleagues got her pregnant. A couple of weeks ago at a birthday party he organised both of us, my wife and I have birthdays 4 days apart, which I didn't want but had to oblige to. At this party I was talking to a close friend about the Oort cloud and whether it exists or not plus other aspects of the Solar System, when the FOL butted in, he was drunk, and tried to be all clever. After a while I started to briefly explain the scientific method to him which led to him telling me to f*** off, which I did. I went home and he started arguing with my wife so she said 'well you're not my father anyway.'. To which he replied 'Yes I am, I only said that to wind your mother up'. When my wife questioned her mum about it she denied all knowledge. Nice, a? He also called me a psycho because I have mental health problems.

We stopped talking to him, I won't ever again, but now he is worming his way into her life again. He is a nasty manipulative creature who also has a conviction for harming a child so I don't really want him to see my children. But he is that type of character, hard to explain, but he can be extremely charming but it is for his own good/gratification. He has alcohol issues and has beaten his wife in the past. I never want to set eyes on him again but he is going to twist things in his favour. It has got to the point where I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I see him I may get very angry. It is starting to eat away at me.

Thanks for reading.

I really wish I could find an answer o_o.

Maybe just tell him "Your company is not appreciated, please refrain from coming too close."?

tell him to get his act together and come back when he's not an irritating lowlife prick who's only looking out for his ego, not even his own health

"come back when you've cleaned yourself up and you're not serving your own ego at the expense of everyone and everything else, even your own health, we're waiting on you"


heart, meet, full metal jacket logic bullet

it fully allows him to come into one's life again, at the express condition that he doesn't do all of that terrible stuff and isn't likely to

then explain that it's up to him to prove that he cares about her

I'm also going to assume your wife wants to give him another chance, otherwise I can't understand what would compel you to see him again or allow him near your children. He has no legal rights as far as your kids are concerned. Tell your wife that she owes it to the children to keep him away. Once he starts playing your kids against you you'll wish you never let him back in.

My Dear Beetzart,

I've met some as bad as and even far worse people than these, apparently utterly lacking in conscience and believing that time, whining, pity and/or money is the glue that mends every "thing" they break, including trust, including hearts, including families.

I'm often wondering what keeps expressions like "only the good die young" alive, when it is clearly a hit-or-miss proposition at best.

It seems to be useful to be somewhat wealthy to escape the scrutiny of decent people when you are an indecent person. The reason I know this is because my life was torn to shreds by a wealthy person who would periodically attempt to patch it up with bits of money. His spells of "generosity" were primarily motivated by his inability to decide whether he was really done with me and whether he could replace me with someone he felt was BETTER than me. After he exhausted me, drove me into a depression so deep I was forced to take Zoloft for months and caused me to go homeless and lose pretty much everything I'd worked for, I think a lot of people looked better than me. Six years after I saw him for the last time, I look fifteen years younger than I did THEN and am in top physical condition. No, it's entirely natural!

The fact that he never quite understood me, coupled with the fact that I'd decided I'd given him MORE than enough information to destroy me several times over and was not about to divulge anything more about myself and wanted to rebuild a life of my own (he'd pulled my life out from under me once and destroyed my self confidence during a 16-month period when I'd moved a distance -- but not far enough! -- away). I was vulnerable and afraid, alone and with no really close friends or family. He wanted me to move back in with him.

When I did not move quickly enough, he murdered the cat I loved the most. I could never PROVE that he killed my cat. I demanded that my Vet do an autopsy. When I spoke with the Vet, he told me "he'd NEVER seen anything like this in more than 30 years of practice." It was then I was convinced there was nothing, no other explanation in this world. I'd TRUSTED this man. I had other animals living in the barn on this large property. I visited at least once a week to check and clean the barn where they were staying. My instincts were to protect those other animals rather than myself. Moving back there was one of the WORST mistakes I have ever made in my life. What I SHOULD have done was gotten every one of my animals to safety while I could and kept myself away from that man forever.

The reason I am telling you this: I know too well there are people who "behave" like MONSTERS in this world. To the rest of the world, they may appear wonderful and charming. They may create the impression that YOU are ungrateful and thankless --- manipulative people are EXTREMELY clever at making themselves look good at the REAL expense of others. And yes, he drank, when he should not have -- not at all. He was a Type 1 insulin dependent diabetic. A couple of pints of beer made him VERY nasty. Of course, HE didn't think so. Fortunately, he HATED children. At least THEY were safe from him.

On to a monster of another sort... DO NOT trust your children in the presence of a predator without a "watchdog" present. When you feel even an ATOM of discomfort, trust your own instincts. There is a man I knew (I will no longer look at or speak with him) who had me believing he was an innocent person who'd (decades ago) been put into prison for two years for simply "looking" at little girls swinging on swings from a distance.. Over a three month period he asked me to "care take" his property and stay in a trailer on the premises to prevent thieves from wandering onto his land, stealing parts from his parked cars or breaking into his shop. He was a prodigious beer drinker and would often pass out at odd hours during the day and be asleep at 9 PM at night. I don't "imbibe" and am more of a night owl.

I remember wondering what caused someone who had been "so nice" to these people to be victimized so often by the very people he'd helped and shown such kindness to. I learned. The first lesson I learned was that he had NO intention of paying me as he'd promised he would. In fact, what he'd had in mind was a ROMANCE with me. This became clear after I'd been on the property for nearly one month. As politely as possible, I declined his advances. While he did not attempt to FORCE his attentions on me, he began to talk some pretty kinky stuff to me... and some of this talk involved little children. I kept my eyes averted, but have no doubt he is and was a w*ker. Some of these kids he spoke about were children of the "thieves" who so concerned him and I now came to wonder exactly what this man might have done to anger the parents. I arrived at educated, horrified conclusions.

There was more: there are people in this town who are horribly addicted to hard drugs, who will do pretty much ANYTHING to acquire the money to get a "fix." This man played both sides of the fence and knew how to spot the ones who were strung out and he would offer a young, heterosexual male money for certain "favors". These young men were far gone and desperate. They became upset, filled with self-loathing and vengeful when they realized how this man had used them. Sure, he'd paid them money, but he'd asked them to do things they'd never done before. In less than three months, I'd learned to pity the THIEVES. This man was not the victim! He was asking me (a small Aspie woman) to keep his victims from coming in and taking revenge on HIM!
The reason? I am mysterious. I am not "known" to many people. People in this small town are scared of what they don't know and do not understand.

This man's behavior in general and toward me was so loathsome that I nearly died walking off at least five miles into the desert in triple-digit heat one day. Because I would not "get involved" with him, he became so verbally abusive with me and so terrifying, I was not afraid of dying -- all that mattered was getting away. Every time I accompanied him into town and saw a child approaching, my heart would turn to ice and I would feel sick. The look on his face was...omg!!

When HE accepted that couldn't have me, he attempted to start a romance between me and a friend of his, which was really a very sad and painful experience in itself, because I believe his friend is an Aspie who has not been formally diagnosed. His friend was a paratrooper in the Gulf war and has PTSD, as well. He is severely alcoholic (self-medicating). His vocabulary is astonishing and he writes poetry. His ability to understand and communicate with ME was just mind-boggling. We started speaking and instantly began to get along... even with all the alcohol, I still felt so much LIKING for him! I cannot help him with or stop him from drinking -- this is something he must want and as far as I can tell, he has a death wish. All I could do was find five minutes where I tell this man I am his friend, regardless of anyone else or what they might "think". He would never listen to and believe me if I spoke against this pervert "friend". Like many Aspies, he has very few friends. When he turns his back, the pervert says the nastiest things about this guy! And yes, the pervert puts on the charm... otherwise I'd never have moved into that trailer on his property or believed he was anything resembling a nice guy!

I'm just telling you some of the crazy experiences I've had with bad people and a local predator and some of the terrible damage that can be done by and to people by alcohol. When you mix a predator and alcohol, you have what is one of the worst of all possible worlds. When these people have a "history" with children, under NO circumstances should they be permitted to be let alone with anyone who is a minor or is unable to give fully informed consent. I've met the charmers, I know the way they work and I'm wondering if you can keep a well-hidden micro video camera running 24/7 in an area where the old man might commonly hang out. This way, you'll not just concern yourself about getting angry -- you'll have the evidence to have the old pervert put away for a good, long time.

You don't mention the ages of the children. It is important that they be old enough to understand that the old man is NOT TO BE TRUSTED. Equip them with pepper spray, a whistle... whatever it takes to defend themselves, if they are old enough to understand. If they are too young to understand, PLEASE don't EVER leave them alone with or near this man! As for just having them in the presence of a drunk -- you are NOT obligated to expose your children, yourself, anyone in your family to a drunkard!

And by NO means are you or anyone else meant to tolerate verbal or physical abuse from this man! Don't get pulled into the game again -- if and when he's drunk and threatening or worse, either have him put into jail until he sobers up or have him put into a Detox facility and if he insists on coming around and getting pickled do the same thing again until he learns to quit drinking or he learns to keep his distance from you, your family and your home. "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. You learned that lesson long ago. He'll keep apologizing and doing more and more damage. Stop him at the starting line, draw your boundaries clearly and do not budge no matter how cunning or charming he may sound. You seem to have no evidence to support that he has changed (other than the fact that he's grown older). If he swears he has, tell him you'll write up a contract to that effect and you'll ALL sign it before a Witness and Notary Public (or equivalent). Put in a No Alcohol clause for good measure.

I can't believe he would ever say that to his child, whether she was truly his daughter or not. Saying it drunk and so spitefully, that is too cruel. It's a tough situation because he did stick around for her whole life, so he's "family". But I agree with the previous poster, at the very least - explain to your wife that he should not see your kids. She should understand that you only want to expose your kids to healthy, positive, happy people.

I absolutely understand if you do not want to have anything to do with him. If you wife does, though, I think you need to be supportive as he is her father (apparently...) and she has the right to a relationship with him if that is what she wants. If she does not want this, then you both have the right to keep your distance.

Thank you for your helpful responses. It means a lot. I will make it clear he has been convicted of harming a child, I witnessed it. It was a hot summers day and he got drunk and started a play water fight with some kids in the street. It soon turned nasty and he grabbed a 12 year old who was being a bit lippy, and pushed him against a wall. Thankfully another parent, sober, stopped it before it got really nasty. The police came, carted him off, and he got a suspended sentence. I have no evidence of him sexually abusing children or reason to believe he does. I found out yesterday he took my youngest son, 3 (my eldest is 9), to the town on his own. Apparently he stepped in front of my brother's taxi as he was pulling off, then told my brother to f*** off. Of course he denies it. Like the time my brother in law called my dad a c***, it was all denied. I don't like him taking my youngest out because the FOL can hardy walk. He got drunk, again, once, rode his bike to the cliffs and cycled off. It wasn't that high but he was injured enough to need the Belgium Air Ambulance to come out. He smashed every bone in his feet and had to learn to walk again. He did have a very brief session with a psychologist but after 10 mins decided himself he wasn't mentally ill and the psychologist cancelled the therapy. So he can hardly walk. My youngest likes to run ahead sometimes, not every time and he is getting more road aware, but I don't like the fact the FOL only has one speed and couldn't chase after him if needed. I hate him so passionately, I really do. My family hate him.

When the eldest was 3 my wife used to have a little job escorting kids to school in a taxi. It didn't pay much so her mum would look after him for the 3/4 hours a day, for a fee. She charged my wife £1 ph and my wife only got £15 a day. I was working at the time but we were really struggling financially. My mum then offered to have our son for nothing, as grandparents normally would. My wife agreed and told her mum one Sunday. There was uproar. Within 30 mins the in laws were at our house, mother was crying her eyes out, father was telling us how if my mum looked after him they would have nothing else to do with him. Howls of weeping continued to pour from the MOLs head. We offered a compromise. One week my mum will have him and the other the in laws. They only lived 100 yards apart. FOL said no as this will damage our son, confuse him and upset him. So it was all their way or nothing. To top it off he brazenly said 'anyway we enjoy that extra money'. That 'extra' money was meant to pay for meals for our son not for their profit. Unfortunately we relented and they got their way.

They invented a story that my parents had said to them I was an unwanted child and told my wife, who used to bring it up when we argued about in laws. Last week I confronted my mum over this and she was quite upset about such a vicious lie. She told me I was very much wanted, planned etc. Despicable, vile, creatures.

My wife told me that one of the things her father really hates is people standing up for themselves against him. Well he is going to feel a lot more hate if he comes near me. One thing I will not do is get violent. I have never been violent and never want to be. But I have a short fuse and get shouty very quickly if provoked. Only this morning I was arguing with a Jehovah Witness at my door, I got quickly frustrated and shouted at him to grow up! Yet I didn't swear.

Thanks again. UnseenSkye your post was really poignant and shows how nasty and cruel people can be to others.