Dealing with Social Situations

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How do you deal with social situations?

I read recently that there are 2 different ways for social interaction. The first being innate, unlearned and automatic. The second being observational.

I don't believe I have the first. I've always felt like an observer, 5 steps behind in social situations. This has caused me a lot of anxiety in my life. That anxiety plus the constant observation (and OCD obsession of replaying my social interactions in my head) drains me to the point where I try to stay away from new situations wherever possible. I go to trivia Wednesday with the same people, movies on Friday/Sat with one other friend, and that's about it. If someone wants to do something different, I really need 2+ weeks in advance notice for me to prepare myself so I feel semi-comfortable.

I have tried, and tried to put myself out there in the past, but I just end up feeling extremely anxious because I don't know what everyone else expects. I mean, I do know what they expect on a basic level (interesting small talk) but I truly have no idea how to do that. I have developed enough small talk for acquaintances I see on a rare basis, but not people I see on a daily basis.

Additionally, although I'm 26 and female, I feel much more comfortable around people (especially men for some reason) in the 50+ age range.

I don't date (besides a couple extremely awkward ones). I'd like to, however I the nuances baffle me in every way possible. I also progressed at a much slower pace than my peers. I think the way I felt when I was in my 3rd year of college was the way my high school friends felt at 14.

My biggest fear right now is going home for Christmas (I live 6+ hours away). My mother has a huge family who I just saw for 3 days in a row for Thanksgiving, and my anxiety levels went thru the roof. I know my one cousin's wife thinks I'm really strange because I simply don't act "normal" and I just don't know what to say to her. Okay, so nobody has told me she thinks this, but I can tell she's uncomfortable in conversations with me (does this mean I don't have Aspergers/Autism?). If anyone else in my family is uncomfortable I don't notice it. Anyway, trying to interact with 40 people and screaming kids is not something I'm looking forward to in the least.

Full disclosure, I am not doctor identified as Aspergers/Autism. My therapist "doesn't like labels" so he has not said anything either way, however he often goes on and on about how I remind him of his Aspie nephew. I personally go back and forth as to whether I believe I do. Sometimes I think it's all social phobia from some early bullying.

(I swear this started off as a legitimate question and not a rant about my dysfunctions).

What I eventually realized about social situations is that I will most likely be in one frequently, and sometimes I can't help that. All I have to offer for advice is drink plenty of coffee and brace yourself.

Probably not the best way to handle it, but I try to avoid social interactions where the risk of meeting strangers is high all together. I get along great with my friends, and we have perfectly normal, entertaining conversations, but try and introduce me to a stranger and I'll trip over myself from the start: do I shake hands or don't I? What do I talk about? How does small-talk work? How do I tell if they're interested or getting bored? How do I know if I actually dislike their company or if I'm just anxious right now? It's ridiculously hard, so I just don't bother; I virtually never go to gatherings where I don't know anyone unless I'm forced to accompany a friend, and when I do go I bring a book and hide in a corner so as to avoid talking to people. It worked well for my new step-brother's graduation party, people mostly left me alone.

If you really can't avoid the Christmas get together, then at least stay at a local hotel/motel while there. That will give you the chance to get away from everybody, at least at night. If you start to get too stressed during the day, just come up with an "errand" to run for a while. If there isn't any real errand to run, just hang out in your hotel room for a while, until you can calm down. Do make sure you have a room around the back, though, so none of your friends, neighbors, or family will see your car there during the day, if they happen to drive by the hotel/motel.

Bring a book to read, or some other activity. Also, head off to the hotel/motel early each evening, so you can get away from the stress sooner. Just tell people you are tired, if they want to know why you are leaving the gathering early each day. And let evening phone messages go to voice mail. Check messages in the morning, before starting out each day.

Hope this helps.