Hey you guys,
i have a couple of questions.
Do any of you get the feeling of an inner turmoil? I will try to give you examples.
First i just want to start saying that i have "categorizes" the "feelings", from my own perspective.
The pattern goes like this:
Energy days/moments/ routine
This is really weird but I'll try to explain. This starts in the morning in fact the moment i open my eyes. My mind is going nuts. It's like a train of toughs going through my head. Positive and negative toughs. What i should do, who i should meet, the endless "what ifs..."
"What if i cross the street and get hit by a car?"
"What if i meet a person i don't like?"
"What if something at home happens....
I could go on for hours
(don't know if this is ocd or something else)
So before i go off to school, i have an amount of energy, so i go for a little exercise in the morning.
That keeps me calm for a while then.
Then i get myself together and go to school/work.
On the way nothing happens so I'm glad, but then when i arrive, i have to sit still for 1hour and a halve. And that is not that bad, but my thoughts are starting to race again. And then it happens! Other people are around!
"Doesn't anybody else have these thoughts, why am I the only one? Why do i have so much energy, why are people talking about bs, while there are so many more important things to talk about?" "Why do we have all these social rules, why do people want to have a relationship....."
What if they don't like me at that party.... Why are there children dying...
This goes on for the rest of the lesson. And you can imagine my mood goes to -100000000 when i leave class.
And i often get the remark from the people that "know me",
"we never know what we have to expect from you, one moment you're so glad, and one hour later you're the most depressed person on the planet".
Yeah that is true, but that's why! All these question and a feeling of inner turmoil.
So i try to explain that all these questions are going through my head, but they just laugh and say "what the "F" are you thinking of during this class?"
After class i get home, and the first thing i do is Google all the question for some answers. Always "why this or why that...." And yes i do find some interesting viewpoint on the subject, and I save them. But after that EMPTINESS! I feel alone (not always). Not due to the fact that i don't know anyone, but due to the fact that i get the feeling that i'm the only one on the planet with all of these question, or a feeling of never being satisfied. So i alienate myself from my friends, and parents sometime, and it can be sooo depressing. Thought's of ending it all go trough my head, and it's terrible.
At the end of the day, i still have to much energy so i have a walk, or a crazy dance in my room (sometimes 4 to 6 hour in a row) just to get some night rest and not have all these thoughts and mood swings. This patterns is going on my life for as far as i can remember (24 now).
And then there's the longtime aftermath. Willing to do everything, and everybody. Just to feel excepted, just to not be alone, just to switch of my brain. I would literally do anything, and anybody. It's a form of self-destructive behavior i know that, but i can't help it. I usually do not go into it. But there were times of drinking, smoking weed to forget, random sex with girls and guys, just to be accepted, or to feel loved. That's the "warm me", the "cold me", is the fantasy world, i shift of in my imaginary world, that i draw. I feel save there, no one can hurt me, or judge me there.
And don't get me wrong, i was raised in a proper family, i love them and they love me, but the inner turmoil is way too big.
It's like i'm (in periods) looking for inner peace, of a peace of mind.
Sorry of this sounds messy, but please any advice? Is this normal, does anybody else have this?
02 Dec 2012, 12:08 pm
