Is it normal to be extremely private around your parents?

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Hello
I tend to be very private toward my mom. We have a good relationship, yet I am private about certain aspects, like about particular situations, or similar things. I also tend to be very private about my media choices, since she is kind of religious. I have been this way since I can remember. But is this more of an aspie trait, or general trait? (btw, I was not this way around my dad. But my mom was also the disciplinarian)

god yes. i cant seem to get the hang of knowing how they will respond to things. i feel like im walking through a minefield.

If something is uncomfortable to my mother she will act like it didnt happen and ignore it, I think its a generational thing. But if alot of people were present like say at the dinner table for thanksgiving and some relative tried talking about something taboo like two girls smooching and royally enjoying each others dams then I'm shure my mother would play along and laugh out loud. in private she would (And I've seen her do this, she would scoff at such things.)

Friend, you describe how I feel. One minute something you think would blow is fine, and yet another could be the apocalypse .

It's a general trait. Kids approaching their teen years always become a lot more private, because they've learned there's just less trouble that way. Nobody likes condemnation or an unwanted lecture.

I am pretty private about myself. I used to go to my mother about lot of stuff but once I met my husband and married him, I talk to him now about stuff, especially problems and things that are bothering me. Plus there are certain things I can't talk to my mother about anyway.

I think it's a normal trait for people in general, but it's probably stronger in aspies because aspies may find it harder to predict how people will react to things.

I think it's just due to becoming more independent and being concerned about being judged -- especially by parents, who often have trouble accepting their childrens' independence. Especially with parents who aren't very relaxed and easy-going about things, it can be hard to figure out what you can tell them without (often well-meaning) criticism or interference. Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily stop when the children grow up...

Private is an understatement. I have been very secretive towards my parents since... hmmm, about the age of 9 or so.

Secret notebooks where I record random thoughts, hidden sheets with disturbing drawings, various small objects hidden in the most obscure spots of my room, never saying a single word about what happened to me at school (except the most important stuff - e.g. exams and grades). These are just a few of the aspects of the "information control" that I have imposed and maintained for so long.

Why I do it? I suppose I am afraid that I will be misunderstood... so I prefer to eliminate the chance of this situation occurring altogether.

gay son of evangelical christian clergy. it eventually got to the point I would deliberately get caught doing "bad" things (i.e. straight porn) that would keep them off the scent of the REAL bad things I was doing (having gay sex). I got pretty good at crying or yelling over things I deliberately let them catch me do while being simultaneously relieved at the cover it was providing. I'm not a good actor so I'd usually bring in something smaller or humiliating to cover up something big, on the assumption that they wouldn't think I would deliberately humiliate myself or let myself get caught. it worked liked a charm. they only found out what I told them when I got sick of deception. I couldn't expect any freedom, respect, or dignity from them if they knew the truth, so my childhood and adolescence were a no-holds-barred deception-fest. it also helps when your aspergers means you're smarter than either of your parents by at least a standard deviation or two

when the night-creeping and deception failed (once, that I remember), I'd resort to literally any means at all short of physical attack to maintain my privacy. my mom once printed out every single AIM conversation I had had with my best friend in middle/high school for the last 3 years. I screamed and swore off food and threatened suicide (not idly, either) and probably would have started cutting pieces off myself with my damn teeth if she hadn't given in within 20 minutes. I'm quiet, bookish, very patient, and extremely reserved so when I explode it scares most people to the point of doing whatever I want. to date I've only ever used it to get that chat-log shredded and I believe one time when a college history instructor gave an overtly racist lecture on a subject she couldn't even pronounce correctly. the chat-log was shredded with apologies within 15 minutes and the instructor apologized in front of class and gave me a damn A.

I was actually less secretive around my parents than is normal for gay children with extremely homophobic parents. couldn't tell you what it's like for NT straight folks. I think some secrets are normal but it varies.

Last edited by Ca2MgFe5Si8O22OH2 on 13 Dec 2012, 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm on that borderline between NT and AS, but I've been incredibly private around my parents for as long as I can remember. I have never approached them for emotional or social support beyond basic issues like a badly grazed knee as a very young child. I have a good relationship with them too, but it's definitely not emotional or gushy in any way. I've been told I'm "fiercely independent".

When I was a young teen I pulled up a floorboard in my room so that I could stash small important things and I spent ages filing the Edwardian lock on my door so I could get it working again and always use it no matter what I'm actually doing in there, even now at age 29 when I go home to visit I still use the lock and guard my privacy very carefully.

I've never liked to discuss emotions, progress in life, friends or anything with them though my mum will ask searching questions occasionally. Basically, they haven't really known who I am for years and I feel compelled to let them think that I'm living up to their expectations of perfection so it's important they never find out about any of my gremlins. In the whole world only my partner really knows me.

Also, he's largely the same with his family. He has a very good cheery relationship with them but communication is strictly superficial on both sides. He's dyslexic and definitely also has strong BAP traits.

To top it all off, partner and I have been together 10 years this year so we're as established as an old married couple and our families have completely accepted our relationship. But we've been careful to ensure our parents never meet one another. It would just feel so intrusive if they did and we both agreed that it simply can't be allowed to happen. It's one of many very good reasons not to get married.

Ca2MgFe5Si8O22OH2 - Oh, that sounds really nasty. I have had periods when I was afraid I could be caught for having done something bad - it feels horrible indeed.

The good thing is that I am considerably more skilled with computers than my parents, so they have never been able to learn anything about my online habits. The important things are hidden and disguised very well

No, I tell my mum everything.

I'm private with my parents about a lot of things. The things that I'm the most private with them about are my special interests. I rarely talk to them about my special interests, because of the negative feedback that I got as a child.

I'm terribly afraid of my parents' judgement for no sensible reason (they're nice, nonjudgemental people) and so I have to hide everything like drawings or cds and I never could have any posters or anything because I was afraid of them seeing them and judging my interests. I can't watch tv because they would see and hear what I'd be watching and judge. I'm 22 so this is just beyond ridiculous, I think it might have something to do with a friend I had as a child who would judge my interests and go through my belongings and get angry if she found something she disapproved of (so I always had to hide everything before she came over but sometime she decided she wanted to come over when I hadn't had the chance to). One of my greatest fears is that my parents would find things I've shared about myself on the internet, I can't imagine how I could possibly deal with such a situation.

Last edited by Luci on 13 Dec 2012, 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Actually, my mother says that many parents of my schoolmates (they're all NTs) complain about the fact that their children don't talk much to them, and they're usually very private. About me, I talk about everything or almost everything to my parents, expecially my mother, but that may be because I'm the oppisite "type of aspie", since there seems to be two cathegories: the first is the cathegory of aspies that tell people everyhting about them, even the most private things; and the second is the cathegory of aspies that are very secretive with others, even close relatives. Well, I belong to the first cathegory.

Possibly. Especially if your parents are authoriarian or somewhat controlling.