Are there coping strategies for ambiguity?

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Coping strategies do not help me understand any better. My gf tells me, she wants to switch backpacks for travel. I say ok. I got to do my morning routine; she gets upset because I did not help her with the transition until she pointed out to me that she wanted my help.
I don’t understand ambiguous signals. If she meant to say “can you get the other packs from the closet?” why didn’t she? I have been working, a lot, on adapting. On coping with the sensory side and my moods and trying to PAY attention hold conversations better, etc. But all these strategies do not help me understand this sort of thing any better and I don’t think they ever will.

The conversation:

“I need to change backpacks”

“Ok”

“This one is heavy but I need room. I will go ahead and do that today”

“ok, I got some pics to scan “ start walking to scanner

“Ok . . fine. I did say I wanted to change this stuff”

“you didn’t tell ME you wanted me to get the stuff out for you.”

“I did say I wanted to do it today”

-_- . .. “OK here are your backpack options . . .”

Usually this turns into an argument. Today I did not bother to point out she never asked me to do sht.

I have the same problem with being unable to pick up on non-spoken requests for help. The way I try to solve it is:

If...
a) Someone is doing something and I'm not doing anything that needs to be done right away
or
b) Someone is doing something that if I was the one doing it I would need help with
or
c) Someone is doing something and comments on how hard it is
or
d) Someone tells me something needs doing but doesn't proceed to do it themselves

then I offer to help or start helping without asking first.

Before I started to do this people often got angry at me for not helping them. Now instead of people being angry they're often just surprised at me helping them. The questions about why I'm helping are annoying, but less so than rants about me being lazy when I honestly didn't realise they needed help.

I have the opposite problem. I try to anticipate what people are wanting and it ends up with me reading 5 or 10 possible things into every expression or phrase, and I'm too busy evaluating it and judging myself for getting it wrong to actually function. like, instead of just taking people literally I will drive myself into a panic attack trying to read between the lines. I'm pretty good at it when I know people and know patterns, (like in an intimate relationship like a girlfriend I don't think I'd have trouble so long as she was predictable) but with strangers and school/work acquaintances it's so bad I can barely function and have trouble staying at school/work.

if it's someone I'm close enough to I just ask (I love women because they usually like it when you ask about their feelings or if you can help with something) but there are a lot of situations where that breaks the flow of conversation, and makes me incapable of "banter" and stuff.

This is a really tough one--any rigid set of rules is bound to fail.

Sometimes you are best off guessing what they want, sometimes you really need to stop and figure out what they want. And you have to do it really quickly.

All I can suggest is that practice seems to help. And don't forget that most folks have short memories.

gf needs to understand that hints are unlikely to be picked up on. If she wants help with something, she should state her request in plain language. It's as simple as that.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

Ambiguity is stressful. An ex once told me that he would silently wait and see how long it took me to guess what he wanted when he wanted help but didn't specifically ask. I think that is an unfair way to run a relationship. No one, NT or ASD, is a mind reader. If you want assistance, ask for it, I am not a scary person to ask for help, I will gladly try if I am able. Enough with all of this guessing and magic wish granting and assuming. It becomes exhausting in a very small amount of time.

This happens in NT/NT relationships too.

Thanks for all the feedback. I have been trying to met my NT partner half-way myself. Trying to be a little more flexible when it comes to changes and new things and working on turns in conversation, etc. (still not working well, but i guess I may get it one day) even looked on our public ilibrary for as books to help. Only virtual copy they have is of these baseball players with an aspie son but most of the book is about THEM not the kid or anything i cant relate.

Mirror21, you may be interested in David Finch's book _The Journal of Best Practices_. He's an Aspie who worked out what he needed to do to improve his relationship with his NT wife. If your library doesn't have it they can get it for you by interlibrary loan.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Journal-Best- ... rd_title_0

I will look into It. Wish there where books about nt/as girl/girl couples. Sometimes I feel women expect a lot more from other women than men.

My advice is (to paraphrase the late Queen mum when asked how she stayed so well loved in the eyes of the British public) "Never complain, never explain". Obviously slightly for different reasons but the usefulness of the tactic functions in the same way.

IF you complain - which is what you do when you reply "But you didn't say X....blaa etc" then you qualify the other persons invalid assumption that you had the first idea what the hell they truly meant. Once you have qualified that to them, even by trying to claim the opposite, you prevent them from empathising with you - their ego will rarely let them. (Ironic huh?)

IF you explain - which is taking on the more "adult" position of graciously apologising and explaining how you misinterpret seemingly obvious cues then you also cast yourself into a corner because you pre-load the validation of the other person's actions - ie they will continue to make the same error (and it is an error on their part regardless of it being an error they only make with autistic people) because you have validated that position by explaining how it because of you (when that isn't quite what you meant).

So the only way out is to do neither, leave out the meta-analysis of the situation completely, and deal with the practicalities. Continue the topic purely and solely to achieve the practical ends - "Sorry, did you need the other backpack?" etc. And if the other person starts to meta-analyse..."Why don't you ever understand!?" etc, NEVER bite, and instead completely ignore that level of the conversation and return to the core of the conversation, without a raised voice..."Did you need the other backpack?"

i.e. I'm willing to help, but you can help yourself, and its easier if you anser the actual questions, and now you can see that you are adding to the confusion as much as I am, and I have intimated that regardless I won't let anything get in the way of resolving the practical enquiry, but I won't let enquiries into backpacks escalate into critiques of my entire being.

Basically, in such circumstances, as the expert of such circumstances, YOU need to guide people through them in the most generally all-round beneficial way.

Hmm, will it be hard to just assume someone wants help even when they don't say it?

I don't know how I would interpret it. People don't often ask me for help. I do offer my help though. I get kind of anxious about them not getting some task done and offer to do it for them.

Then everyone calls me sweet.