I have just signed up as a member and this is the first time I have ever 'chatted'. I have always hated chit-chat and so called general chat about nothing in particular. To me, it is pointless to communicate with someone else, unless there is a valid logical point behind it. And so, eventually the penny has dropped, the light has dawned and I found that I too, am a fellow Aspie. I have always been just too willing to help out and 'lend a hand', from the earliest I can remember. Being very bright, with an IQ around 138, I pick things up very easily and so, I am usually very eager to jump in and offer my services and knowledge, to who ever comes along. I just cannot help myself. I find technical things so easy to do and so rewarding for me, I am like a dog fetching a bone for a willing master. I just cannot help myself. And here I am, the willing fool. I have been taken advantage of for years by NTs and then dropped as soon as my usefulness was through. I just never realised, I just did not work it out until now. Despite my bright brain, I must be so dumb. I have always had low esteem, but, well, just call me Doormat. For that is what I am and that is what I have been for years and I just did not realise.
One could always say that, so long as I was happy helping out, then I was a party to it and it is my fault that NTs just took me for granted. The problem I have, is that I just trust everyone! I know, how stupid is that? And I just cannot stop myself. I just hate lying and being lied to and when someone asks me for help, I just think they want to be my friend and like the waggy tail dog, I succumb to their smiles and my ready on a plate fix of helping out. The NTs put up with my idiosyncrasies until they have what they want and then I am cast aside, like a stray.
Yes, I am very depressed and sad. I have always found it difficult to cope with the 'rules of engagement', that NTs demand from me. But now after a long so called friendship, I see that I have been a mug again.
I wake up at the crack of dawn and just cannot wait to start the day. I love electronics and writing firmware for micro-controllers, that I fit to things I make, repair or convert. My hands love to construct things and take things apart. But I get bored so quickly, I have to have several different things on the go at once. I don't go in to the house until it is dark and then I realise that I am exhausted and just want to fall asleep. I forget to drink and eat, because I am so engrossed in what i am doing.
I get angry and irritated with silly questions from NTs that are just so stupid, I just cannot understand how they run the world I live in. The world confuses the heck out of me and going places is a nightmare. My responses to people are logical from my perspective, but I am told that I am probably being rude. I see their point some times, but when I am asked "how are you today?" and I say "why do you want to know?", politely, because I am very polite, I just cannot figure out why they just stare at me and gulp. I just see the world in black and white, ones and noughts, so to speak.
I was in a Chinese restaurant, that I have become used to and i am 'allowed out' there every month or so, as a treat. There is a round table of about 10 people and this really giant woman, sitting with her back to me. Well she was ginormous and I just can't stop myself staring at really big people. I am not 'fatist' or anything 'ist', really. I am normally so polite, but her jeans were well down her bum and so were her knickers. I just could not stop myself from going on and on at what a sight I could see. I think I got too loud and I was constantly being told off and to behave, by those who were with me. I just see the funny side of everything and I have to tell people exactly what i see and what I am thinking.
The biggest problem I have, is that if a NT argues with me, their arguments are normally based upon preconceived ideas, personal gain, lies and dishonesty. I can see the game they are playing before they even get started. They want something and they are going to try and coerce me into doing as they want through devious means. I really just cannot lie to people, the though of getting found out scares me and I end up telling people the 'truth', which I have learnt is a NTs worst nightmare come true.
So, here I am, all alone, stupid as can be and just waiting for the next 'friend' to materialise and off I will go again, only too eager to help and fetch his bone. I really am STUPID!
19 Dec 2012, 10:09 am
(I say sporting an arrogant smirk)
