Did I do anything wrong…?

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I had a situation where my “friend” got angry with me. However, I really don’t think I did anything wrong. I really cannot understand why he would be angry. Could anyone find anything wrong with what I did?

Earlier this week my “friend” and I arranged to meet for coffee at 5pm on Friday. On Friday around midday he sent me a message to ask me if we could meet earlier because he had an appointment for 2pm near where we were going to meet (about 20mins distance from where we were meeting) and he would be finishing that appointment by 2:30pm. So he just wanted to meet me earlier since he would be able to be there earlier (I’d say around 2:50pm).

However, I was at work and couldn’t read that message till I finished work at 3:30pm. As soon as I found that message after work, I replied to him to let him know that I’d just read his message, I was on my way there and would be there by around 4pm (one hour earlier than we had originally arranged).

Then, to my surprise I immediately received an angry response from him saying that he would cancel our coffee and he was already on his way home because I made him wait.

It was his choice to be there earlier. He shouldn’t expect me to be able to change my plan with such short notice. I was even coming there at 4pm (one hour earlier than we had originally arranged). Why could he be angry? And he knew very well that I couldn’t always reply to his messages immediately. I can’t help thinking that he’s acting very childishly to be angry. Or is it my autistic naïveté not to notice something I did wrong?

I can't read my texts while I'm on the clock either (that is a HUGE no-no). You did nothing wrong. He should have realized that you simply couldn't get back to him--stuff happens, deal with it (that remark is addressed to him).

He IS acting childishly. The world does not revolve around him.

No you didn't do anything wrong you were at work he should've known that.

1. You have a 5pm "date" for coffee.

2. He had a schedule change and wanted to know if you could move it up to (let's say) 3pm.

3. You didn't even get the message until 3:30pm.


Here is what you should have done....

Reply text or call, APOLOGIZE (social protocol), and let him know that you JUST NOW got his message and ASK if he still wants to meet for coffee (you could be there by about 4pm) or just cancel your date.

If he got upset over that, he'd be in the wrong. Texting does not guarantee that the recipient got the message. It's the same as calling and leaving a voice mail message. I'd say your error MIGHT have been in how you came across when you pointed this out to him. Something I learned in law a long time ago...so many problems could be solved if the wronging party simply offered a sincere, "I'm sorry."

previous poster, zer0netgain, makes a good point. "Hey there. Sorry about missing the time period you wanted to meet, just received your text message. You still want to meet at 4?" If he gets mad after you communicate with him this way, it's all on him.

I don't think he should have gotten angry here. If he knew you couldn't reply because of work related reasons, then its fine. You let him know as soon as you read the text message that you received it. He went home. When things cool down, meet again when you both have time.

You've done nothing wrong. He's in the wrong for assuming you could read his message instantly and respond to it. He's in the wrong for being upset with you over something beyond your control. The only thing you're doing wrong is taking his unjustified anger personally.

Makes me wonder if your friend is also an Aspie (or ADHD/non-NT) & that's why he overreacted inappropriately the way he did.

You didn't do anything wrong. Since he's your mate he should get it,.. I don't see why he has a problem with it really, it's not like you're a girl that just turned him down for a date or something.

Maybe he's got issues of his own, it's not anything you did or a misunderstanding or you forgot your manners or something. He's a mate (and a bloke), and you can talk casually, sometimes even bluntly with a mate (depending), so you did right.

It's his problem, just make sure not to respond in kind, just tell him you didn't do anything and that he's getting angry over nothing

Thank you, everyone, for responding. It's a relief to know that most of you don't think I did anything wrong.

I wasn't really angry but I was rather puzzled and disappointed that he behaved in that way. I didn't respond angrily to his angry message. I just sent a message to acknowledge that I got his message (that it's been canceled).

Since someone pointed out it could be to do with how I might have come across when I responded, I had better mention that when I responded at 3:30pm to his initial message, I tried to sound nice (like usual) and started it saying, "Sorry, I just read your message...". So I did casually apologize. As I didn't even suspect that he would be angry or cancel it, I didn't even ask if he still wanted to meet.

One of the posters above mentioned the possibility that he might have ASD. I actually strongly suspect that he does. That would explain some of his behavior. I would never bring it up to him though. He could be badly offended by something like that.

Your friend overreacted way, way, way too much. I'd even question why you'd be friends with such a punk.

Have you spoken to him since this incident, and by "spoken" I mean an actual phone call and not a text message?

No, I haven't. I'm honestly not in a mood to speak to him. I'm happily relaxing at home right now and I have other things to worry about.

Although he has his weaknesses, he did some good things for me in the past. We also have some common interests. We have similar values, I guess. But if he keeps behaving like this, then I'd have to keep away from him.

@jk1: yes, very true. You don't need people like that around you. I don't know if he's behaved like this before, but those who make a habit of it are "toxic", and just drain your energy.

If you can talk to him at least once (when you feel like it) and ask him what's going on, you'll have a better idea of whether or not you should continue to be his friend. If he was just having a bad day, and acknowledges that he was a jerk/apologizes, okay. Otherwise--well, you'd know this better than I would.

For now, enjoy your tranquility.

Thank you, conundrum. I'm enjoying the beginning of my two weeks off work. I couldn't be happier. I hope you are enjoying this time of the year, too.

I agree with you. You don't need people around you who cause you stress. If I see him anytime soon, I'd like him to at least acknowledge that he was being unreasonable. But I doubt he would. I wouldn't actively try to contact him. I will see how it goes.

@jk1: you are welcome, and yes, that is the best approach.

And thank you--I am trying to finish up work that's due soon, get through my shifts at Wally, and then have a bit of downtime myself.

From my experience, some people get angry when things don't go their way and blame circumstances on the friend. I wouldn't apologize again or agree to take any more anger from him about this instance. Should he expect you to, that wouldn't be a good friend to have - the self-entitled kind can be very detrimental to our souls, unless we're so thick-skinned it doesn't affect us and we laugh it off internally, secretely knowing this is not one of our best friends. Now, I'd wait for him to contact me (nicely) rather than call him.

No you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he expected you to come out of work when he wanted you to, not when your shift was up.

In a lot of situations I have read on here, and what I have experienced in my own life, seems not always the Aspie's fault.
No wonder most Aspies feel depressed and have low self-esteem, having people in our lives that are supposed to be our friends but then suddenly getting angry over things that they should know wasn't our fault.

No you didn't do anything wrong. I would avoid people like that anyway. If he apologized for it, that would be different.