"Outed" by my son--custody issues?

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I was just diagnosed in November, but had made the decision not to tell my ex, since our co-parenting style is contentious to say the least, (though we currently have a 50-50 arrangement with parenting time), and I didn't want him to be able to use my Asperger's against me in court. However, I did tell my seven-year-old about my diagnosis. He is also on the spectrum and enjoys knowing that his mom is different in many of the same ways he is, and he usually doesn't share too much about what goes on with one parent to the other parent unless asked directly. The other day while his dad and I were both at OT with him, they were doing some puzzles that involved color matching, and the red on the template was actually a deep orange and the blocks that were supposed to match it were a true red. The therapist explained this incongruancy while giving her instructions, and I made an offhand comment to the effect of "Yup! Looks orange to me, too!" My son then responded, "That's because you have Asperger's!" So now my ex has probably figured it out...

My question is, has anybody ever had trouble with custody issues because of their diagnosis? I'm not really that nervous about it, but all it takes is one ignorant judge who thinks that AS means we can't be good parents to turn our lives upside down.

I really hope this doesn't interfere with custody.

I don't have kids so I can't speak from experience.
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer; this is not legal advice; if this becomes a serious concern you should find a good family law attorney.
That said, a few minutes of digging tells me that in most of the USA a parent's diagnosis of a mental disorder is not by itself grounds for termination of custody, but may be a factor where there is proof the disorder prevents the parent from adequately caring for his/her children.
Really though, the law on this issue depends on what jurisdiction you live in.

The law in my jurisdiction is whatever the judge decides is in the best interest of the child. I'm not talking about termination of my rights...that would never happen. Just them giving primary residential custody to my ex and me having one night a week and every other weekend (he has threatened to seek it whenever we get in an argument). I could see him saying I can't teach him social skills because I don't have them myself, which isn't true, but I could see our district judge buying it. Of course, my view is the opposite, as I had to learn the social skills I know, and they come naturally to my son's father, so I think I'm in a better position to "teach" them explicitly. Also, I think my house is more Aspie friendly. My son needs the structure and calmness at my house, and I often worry he doesn't get enough downtime at the other place (my ex has two very rambunctious step kids, one of whom intentionally antagonizes my kid).

If the judge cares to do further research, there are things like this: http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/09 ... drome.html Web Page Name from a supposedly autism friendly site.

IMO, the judge isn't going to care at all if you have AS. All he's going to care about is what he sees himself in the courtroom. You're ex would have to have a pile of evidence (not just stories) to show him, which I highly doubt he has. If you carry yourself well enough in court and can answer questions fairly well, that's all the judge is likely to care about.

Judges in general don't want you in court. They want you guys to settle things between yourselves. I don't think they mind hearing cases where there is clear evidence of abuse or danger to the well being of the kids, but anything that seems petty to them (which a lot of cases actually are), they just want it to go away.

If your state is anything like where I live, 50/50 parenting is pretty much the goal all judges have, and they aren't likely to disrupt that just because one parent thinks the other isn't any good at socializing, no matter what the reason is.

The worst that can happen is he can manipulate the judge and twist things around. I don't know the OP's husband like if he is a good guy or not or wants full custody and if he would be the sort of person to use anything against her.


OP, I would be careful about posting online because there was a person here I knew who was also going through an ugly custody battle and his ex girlfriend who was also aspie was manipulating the judge and would come on here and take his posts to use against him in court and twist things around. She was a member here too. Do not let anyone know you post on here nor anywhere else. If you have Facebook, be careful what you post on there too.

The same thing also happened with my ex boyfriend except his ex girlfriend was not taking his posts and twisting them to the judge because he was careful. So she didn't know where to find him online and what he posted as. But she would also make up stories and twist things and she was very clever because she knew how to make things look true and real ad my ex boyfriend has had to outsmart her several times.
Also the fact she is a woman and according to him, women tend to be believed more than men. Sucks I know but since you are a a woman you may be better off than these two here I just told you about.

I have heard of child alienation where the parent tries to cut their partner off to their children and they coach their children to tell the judge things she the parent wants them to say. It seems like it's women that mostly do this to their ex husbands and ex boyfriends. They tend to be very manipulative and also do it to their children too and also threaten them to say things to the judge or this or that will happen so the kids will say anything they are told to say. I read it's a form of child abuse.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Paris!! The information you provided in the link is just what I have been looking for and explains sooo much to me!!

I, too, have custody issues regarding my Asperger son. I live in Australia and after not coping with my son, (after looking after him for 4 years on my own), I handed total custody of him to his father and step mother. I was so totally exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally I felt I had no option. The guilt inside is unbearable, particularly now as I fight to regain more than the 3 hours/fortnight contact that I do have.

As for your particular question, I have answers, particularly as my personal experience was very different to yours. However, I hope you achieve the outcome which is best for both you and your child.

Additionally, wishing you and all the other 'post-ers' a peaceful and love filled Christmas

Maz