Uh oh I still have head problems.

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Well......it has been 6.5 years since I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I was 26 when I was first diagnosed and I am 33 years old now. Since then I have made alot of progress on the surface. By surface I mean that I have been successfully employed for 5 years. I have made progress in academics that were not possible when I was younger, I also have money in a mutual fund as well as a savings account, I even have strong prospects for a future career with either the state or federal government.......However, I think not having been diagnosed for 26 years and coupled with that never getting anything in the way of special services has taken its toll upon me mentally.


As I go about my life I know that there are times when I will have fulll blown conversations with myself. People look at me and they either laugh or they get scared of me when I do it. I don't do it all the time. In fact I think that I have been doing it less and less ever since the diagnosis. But the society in which I live will sometimes trigger something that is difficult for me and I revert back to talking to myself as a way to cope. I did it today as a way to cope with the fact that my personal finances are low and will remain that way until January when I start receiving money from the Veterans Education Benefits Office. That lead to other thoughts entering my head as well.


I started having those fantasies again about killing as many people as I could. Really unrealistic fantasies about raising an army of other people with Asperger Syndrome and we all march through the United States killing everybody in sight. Bringing this society to its knees in retaliation for the lack of understanding and compassion that it had for me when I was growing up. Now let me just say that I used to have that fantasy going through my head ALL THE TIME! But the more progress that I have made the less and less I have those kinds of thoughts go through my head. Now the reason why these thoughts have been occuring less and less is because I now have access to job and social ladders that I have so desperately craved. The strength of my anger for the human race gradually wanes but sometimes there are things that happen externally which will trigger those thoughts to go through my head for a short period of time and then subside. But I still need help.


I had those thoughts racing through my head while I was in the car about an hour ago. The other thought that went through my head was I have a problem and I need to get help.....But the problem is psychiatric services are difficult for me to get to on a bi-weekly basis. The reason for this is that I work second shift and I go to school. I have someone that I see but I have gone to them when I have the money. I know that once I graduate and move up the career ladder these services will be more available to me.......please someone talk to me about this.

I normally have that moment of talking to myself sometimes I'm thinking aloud, singing to myself, poorly thought out poems, thinking about the utter eradication of humanity using hamsters and gerbils, Idea's on Railguns/lasers/mass drivers/nuclear reactors, and looking at people wondering what they are wearing underneath their clothes. I would write out these thoughts on paper before i would say something out loud...it's helped now when i say something aloud it looks like I'm commenting on what i just wrote.



Edit: I'm in the same boat when it comes to Psychiatrist's. There are people in my area but i don't have the money to talk to them.

.....Huh I knew I wasn't the only one who had this.........I tell ya I hope somebody official reads all these god damn posts that people put up and this goes towards helping current and future generations of people on the Autism spectrum no matter how heavy or how light...........It will be years until I am fully past this.

I talk to myself all the time. I just tell people I'm thinking out loud. I only have violent thoughts against specific people who have bullied me in the past or others that I care about. Taking Ritalin helps. I'm less I guess obsessional and in my head all the time.

Yeah I have violent thoughts about those who have bullied me in the past. Propblem for me is that the law protects them and I have a healthy fear of prison.