Finding people who accept you for you

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Hi, I'm new, and I've been reading a lot of posts, and I am surprised by all these people with AS talking about friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives, understanding bosses, etc.

How do you meet these people? Because I have met very few :/ Almost every NT person I've met has very little patience with me, and they tend to ignore me, are clearly not interested in my attempts to make conversation, etc. They're not all mean to me, but I've only ever had 3 friends who actually liked me, and there's only 1 of them, my best friend, who actually knows about all my AS qualities and thinks they're great rather than flaws. I am 21 and all guys (I am a girl) ignore me totally or treat me like a freak :/ Professors also seem a bit weirded out by me (except for one who is an eccentric genius, and who often says things like, "You're very blunt. That probably gets you in trouble with most people, but I appreciate that about you").

How do you get people to accept you and see you as more than, "Oh, she has Asperger's, she's really weird"? Because sometimes I feel like that's all I am to most NTs, and that my other 2 friends who don't know me as well would drift away if they knew the truth. I have tried very hard to act normal but it just exhausts me and doesn't work, people still think I'm weird.

If people want to avoid you simply because they perceive you as "weird", then that reflects badly on them, not on you. Being different than the norm isn't necessarily a bad thing. Many people value non-conformity, thinking that idiosyncracy is more exciting and colorful than conventionality. Especially in music, theater, and art, individuality is highly valued.

My advice is to stick with the people who accept you for who you are. There are many different personality types, and as long as you be yourself, there are bound to be people who like you. In reality, even NTs sometimes have difficulty making friends- simply because not all personality types are compatible. No matter what your personality is, I believe that there will always be people who appreciate it.

Well, I have a problem with this, too. Here's some stuff I've learned from my life.

Older people are more accepting. If you're willing to have older friends or older romantic relations, you can make some friends that way. Or at least have people talk back to you instead of being like "Yeah bro whatever" (or the female equivalent to that.) By this I mean, someone who's at least...25-27, to like, senior citizens as the age range. They might either be less noticeable/caring about the eccentricities, or be like "wow, this girl here talks in proper English and doesn't listen to Kesha all the time" or something to that effect. Of course for senior citizens, they'll tolerate your Aspie ramblings a bit, but you'll have to listen to their stories and ramblings, too. But I find it usually a good way to acquire knowledge either way. So it's fine.

You might not have "equal" friends. You might get some crazy/eccentric friends. Possibly friends that are more eccentric or weird than you are. Some of these relationships you'll keep, some you'll have to back away from due to the amount of drama/stress they'll create. Some of your friends might be bigger "losers" than you are. In my life personally, the "intellectuals" don't really like me much. Maybe you can join the "intellectual" crowd, but don't put all your eggs in that basket, especially if you've not joined it already. As a 21 year old foreveralone, I hang out with...30 year old foreveralones. Yep. I'd say avoid people who do drugs or consistently get in legal trouble, though.

Lastly, regarding any sort of friends, the way friends are judged, how much they accept you, etc, isn't by what they say. Or even their actions (in the short term.) It's by if they still stay around you. Whoever is left at the end, is your friend. You may find some people who initially will be really positive, help you out a ton, and suddenly just not wanna see you or talk to you much. Then you'll have friends who are sorta like, not the greatest, but still stay around you for years. Don't consider anyone you've not known over a year to be a "friend." In my book, if someone still talks to you for over a year, they've accepted you.

I could give you advice on right "crowds" to find, but in my life that approach hasn't worked. I have friends and acquaintances from all walks of life, though. It's limiting to put yourself in a group, and puts you at the mercy of the group in what you can like and not like, your style, etc. It's individual people who will accept you, not groups. So you must look at the people as individuals and hope they do the same for you.

Other than that, try talking to people. You'll probably only find like 1-2/10 people will like you enough to not be pissed at you talking to them. But yeah. But if you don't talk to people, you won't make friends. Some people are even more aching for friends than you, and will happily be your friend.

That's just my experiences, though.

In my life I've met maybe 5 people at best, who've accepted me for who I am, 1 or 2 at worst. Unfortunately so many people in this world are highly self centered, and only keep friends who they can benefit from in some way.

My only real advice is that you just have to get out there and meet people. It goes against our nature though which does make it hard, but if you hide away from the world you'll never find people who you can be friends with. Finding ways to interact with people that share your interests is obviously the best way.

From my (way below average) experience:

Bosses: Every one of my bosses liked me. As long as you do your job and follow their orders, they will like you. It is easy for me, since I am kind of obsessed about doing things "by the book"; I work overtime whenever I need to just because of my perfectionism. Plus, I am very fast at learning new things, which means I require little training.

Friends: I eventually made a few friends at work and school. They think my weirdness is amusing/endearing/whatever. But I have nothing even closely resembling a best friend; the friends I have are people I only meet at school/work. Neither them nor I make any effort to take our friendship beyond the places where we are forced to see each other. I know it sounds kind of depressing, but I am much better now than back when I was just ignored by my classmates in high school.

Girlfriends/wives: Marriage is the one thing I do not want. Ever. So, wives are out of question. A girlfriend, on the other hand, could be a good thing. However, I never had one and I am pretty sure I never will, therefore, I kind of lost my interest in women recently.

1000Knives just wrote the book on this. I agree with everything he said. I especially endorse the idea that older people tend to be more accepting; they simply know better (older as in late 20s up).

I would add this; the more accepting/comfortable you are with yourself; the more likable you will become (this also comes with age).

after a lifetime in the wilderness [so to speak] i just googled "aspie meetup" and i found the square pegs olympia aspie meetup group. so i started attending 2 years ago and haven't looked back. in this case, google is your friend.

RE: Aspie meetups, while I'd agree that those could lead to some nice interactions and maybe even long-lasting friendships, I'd also like to point out that being among exclusively autistics is NOT a guarantee that you'll suddenly feel you're among peers or like-minded folks.

I visited a monthly autistic meet-up on and off for the past 3 years, and in retrospect I must say it's been a disappointment, overall. I met very few people I could truly connect with, though I've had a couple of nice conversations. I mostly feel awkward whenever I'm there these days.

For me, it's just as sure a bet to find people to interact with anywhere else.

That's not to detract from auntblabby's account, as autistic meetups really are a nice initiative in bringing people together who would otherwise be awkward in social situations, just giving you a heads up in case you got your ears perked up right now thinking: "Aspie meetup? That sounds like heaven on Earth!" and then it doesn't live up to your expectations.

i had no luck with any other kind of meetup. so at least in my case, it was the closest i've managed to get, to "heaven on earth." finally i was able to meet people similar to myself.

When I lived in the US, I had almost zero success socially. I did get friendly with a 30-year-old neighbor when I was a teenager, and there was one guy in high school who liked the same odd cartoons and things as me (who is also now planning to escape the US and come live here with me), plus one teacher (about 60 years old) who was a decent friend to me after I graduated.

My real success came when I left that country and came to Europe, where the culture is very different. There's almost zero pressure to conform and groups of friends are not homogenous the way they are in the states. Everyone has different tastes, interests, hobbies, appearance, and age range is all over the place. Friendships are mostly formed through shared experiences or through mutual friends.

There are a few groups here who never showed the slightest discomfort with the fact that I'm so different, and in fact most of them took it as a positive thing. I'm sure these groups must also exist in the USA, I just never encountered them while I was there. So if you're looking to make non-judgmental friends, be on the lookout for:

1. Hippies. I mean dreadlocked, pot-smoking, making-their-own-clothes-from-rags, acid-dropping hippies. In fact, anyone who has ever experimented with LSD is far more likely to appreciate your unique personality, gifts, and differences than someone who never has. I know this is harder in the states since there is such a paranoia about "drugs" (the ignorance of which is demonstrated pretty clearly by the fact that all drugs are referred to collectively as though they are the same, ie "he's on DRUGS"). In this country, it's not even really illegal, so the hippie culture thrives a lot more.

2. DJs/clubbers. I'm talking about electronic music here, not the "80s night" type stuff. The people who compose and enjoy this type of music have a generally different mindset than people who listen to more mainstream stuff. This is far more popular outside of the USA but I'm sure it must exist over there. This culture often intersects with drug culture as well, but not always, and if you're not interested in drugs you needn't worry - I've never been pressured to do anything I wasn't interested in.

3. Artists. If you can find a community of artists, they will most likely think you're amazing. Especially the counter-culture types (intersecting with hippies here) often spend a lot of energy trying to break away from what is mainstream, and then in you walk, the opposite of mainstream just by virtue of being yourself. The stranger you are, the more valued you are. If you're any type of artist, that's just a bonus.

Obviously these are pretty big generalizations, but by and large I have found them to be true. Almost all of my friends are in one or more of these groups, and they all think I'm fantastic without any "faking it" on my part whatsoever.

I use my feelings, which I have tuned the last 10 years, for finding friends who have a personality that respect me. From a picture I often can read a whole lot of the persons emotional and thinking style, their background and their likely action. This not only give me a good picture on who may be a good friend or not, but it also attract many NTs when I know too much about them after the first meet. It is for sure hard to find friends, and that is because the friends I seek, which are loyal, respecting, including and value experience and life more than things and money, are rather rare than common. Despite that I have got a lot friends who knows the most about me and who value me for who I am. The biggest part of them are born in the 90's, but I also have a few friends that are older than me but I don't feel them as near and inclusive as the ones younger than me.

Some of the 'features' of my best friends include:
-Had great and lovely parents and a safe grown up.
-Have some life experience; either by themself or by people who is near them.
-Have never used drugs and have been careful with alcohol.
-Open, engaged with learning new things and in wonder.
-Love work which involve caring for other people.
-Play an instrument and/or have been in a band.

finally i can hang with people [square pegs] that i am not inferior to! we are all in the same boat. i can hold my head high, after years of not fitting in anywhere else. bounce:

OP I can totally relate to playing along and getting exhausted. I did it for years and now I'm on a social hiatus; recharging and seeking to find some kind of balance in my life.

I spent most of my youth trying to fit in, and though I was never great at it, I did manage to find some friends, albeit strange ones, and later convinced myself and a woman I was totally normal and got married; 17 years later we are still struggling.

It's only till recently that I kind of feel like I always wanted friends because that was the thing to do. Now I'm not sure i ever really needed them as much as I thought; maybe id have been better off not trying to meet my idea of normal.

Where do you really want to be in all of that? You see groups walking around, talking and laughing, and maybe you envy them, but you're not like them. Do you really want what they have or do you just wish you were like them and are adopting their assumed social priorities?

I grew up listening to techno music, and now that the Electronic Dance Music (EDM) culture has blown up in the states, yes.. It's very true
I want to program a moving light show to one of my own DJ mixes I mix and upload to Mixcloud. I also hosted a college radio show where play EDM and I interview local DJs and they get to play on the air between 30-45 minutes! I was able to connect with them, and I have a DJ tryout coming up next Saturday, which I'm nervous because of the required equipment I'm supposed to use but never did because I could not afford them (Pioneer CDJs, DJM). I need to practice on those. The most important part is, I was able to network with other DJs through my radio show!!

There is a drug called MDMA or "mollie" that ravers "roll on"

I'm listening to Moby's Destroyed right now. I've never been to a modern techno club though.

In my experience, finding anyone (whether it's friends, gf/bf, whatever) who truly accepts you for you, is rare and practically unheard of.
People in this world only care about themselves, very few people are truly accepting and open and I would estimate that 9 out of 10 people are unaccepting and intolerant in some way. I've only met maybe one person who knows about my AS who accepts me for me. The rest are family members and people I've known all my life who wouldn't care anyway because they already know me (though I rarely talk to any of them).