Mental strain of acting like someone you aren't...

Post Reply New Topic

and the breakdown that foillows

This isn't just from acting NT, Its also acting a different sort of autistic.

Anyone have advice as to how to prevent the breakdown if you are at the edge of it and you have realized this is probably a good amount of why?

Please can you explain what you mean by a different type of autistic. Do you mean you act more severe because otherwise people don't believe you or make accommodations for you?

In my case I'm passive and been forced by circumstance to act non-passive.

This is tremendous pressure. I suggest you start with a small step to ease some immediate pressure. What can you do right now, do you have a private place where you can just stim or do whatever? What gives you comfort? Would writing a big letter help? Would categorizing your immediate concerns help? Burning a candle and watching the flame as you think? If you have things to get done , this sounds counter-intuitive, but you will actually be more efficient by taking time for your needs.

If you can release a little pressure immediately, then you can start problem solving how you can find the balance you need to not break down over the long term and develop a strategy to deal with crisis situations as they arise in the future. You might implement time management where you always have a certain spot of time that you retreat and just let yourself be. You can ask yourself which sorts of restrictions you impose on yourself and which are truly imposed by the expectations of others, etc. You might be surprised by what you learn about yourself.

I think before you can make the bigger, more long term changes - you need to do some self-care today.

Now we're on the same page. I really feel your pain. I am the passive type too. Society, life and responsibilities have made me become a more strident type of person too. People have commented that I have a strong personality, if only they knew. I was a quiet baby (so quiet my parents took me to the doctors because they thought I was deaf), a quiet, "studious" (was how my dad described me to the doctor), child. Once I left school, being at which was a hard enough experience itself, I quickly realised that the world was even scarier, more confusing and attacking place than I thought. I quickly had to develop a tougher exterior because my niavety and gullibility were so apparent that people walked all over me. Sadly, this meant I developed sarcasm and defensiveness. I took the view that if you project a hard shell people will not try to take advantage of you in the first place. Sadly, Aspie niavety meant that NTs could still see through it and still took advantage of me because I am not a manipulator of people. I have like you, tried to maintain an NT front to the world. Now I too am at the same stage you are. It truly does all catch up with you. And if you are a typical Aspie who doesn't speak up and ask for help, like I have been, then the weight of maintaining it alone will become too heavy to bear.

Now, because of a combination of events, I am starting to get the help. My youngest daughter was recently diagnosed HFA and my eldest daughter is likely to be diagnosed AS soon. As an Aspie myself, without support from anyone, the services have realised what a strain I am under and are all linking in a chain to help us. My daughter who will shortly be returning to school, has access to both child development services, ASC support team for school, SEN social workers, and children's mental health services for her anxiety. I am getting regular contact with an AS nurse specialist, medication that I resisted, via my GP I am now taking, and it did save me from going over the edge (although I am still hovering), we have a mental health worker co-ordinating support the family needs and the AS nurse has supported school transport for my diagnosed daughter which we have been granted. It took me self-referring my children for assessment, neighbours complaining about my youngest child's screaming and an actual diagnosis to be forthcoming for her before it all kicked into place. Admittedly, it's highly likely that all the help is now pouring in because I am a parent and they seem to jump to help when it's children, if I was living alone I'm sure they would be slower and more resistant.

All I can say to you is, reach out to a health professional. However hard it is. If you are not taking medication, please try what the doctor recommends in that respect, because it might stop you having a breakdown, as it did with me. You may have to fight for the support you need, which I know is incredibly hard when you are already in that state, but it's usually he who shouts loudest gets heard, so to save yourself, do it. Get determined. You will come out the other side, but it may not be without help.

I never acted like I was NT, just like I was not passive.

Also, I am seeing multiple types of therapy type help, but still am like this. Am at the point of cannot leave bed today,

I am passive as well and I don't think I could behave in a non-passive manner. Whenever I assert myself I am immediately riddled with guilt; as if, I should always try to take up as little space in the world as possible. And that to make a stand for something is unacceptably arrogant. I wish I could get over this; I am always dumbfounded by the ego and narcissism of others.
Can you be more specific about the non-passive role that you are being forced to play?

Tuttle... stay in bed. Rest. Crawl into whatever safe place you have for yourself, and don't come out until you feel better. You need some mental and physical rest, and I am hereby giving you permission to get it. Take care of yourself, okay?

OK, with that information in hand, I would agree with Logicalmom and Callista. Take time out from the world and recover. Trust me, if I didn't have children this is what I would do (and it's what I also need right now). I would love to go on one of those retreat getaways, where you sit thinking, spend time in nature, do some gentle therapies of your choice, sit and read, just be away from everyone and everything. You are burnt out and you need to recuperate.

I never act "normally", because I don't know what people mean by "normal", I just know what is normal to me, and to me being normal is being myself.
I don't understand when people tell me "act normal", and when I act in a way that is normal to me, and then people get mad at me because I haven't acted normal according to them.
I neither understand when "weird" people (both neurodifferent people or just weird NTs) say "I tried to act normal". I can't like other people want me to act, because I can't read their minds.
I just can act in a way that is normal to me, not to others.
I can't "copy" other people's weird behaviour, and I don't see how I could.

I was going to suggest rest and a lot of time alone, but that was already suggested.

If it's possible to avoid non-passive situations, then of course that too.

If you can't leave your bed, it's probably a good idea to indulge that and get some sleep or just do something you enjoy doing that you have the energy to do.

Same here. It never even occurred to me to try to act like other people and I never understood what other people thought was so wrong with me. I don't pay much attention to the way other people act and I don't assume that I should be acting like them. I couldn't, even if I tried. I can only be me. People tell me to be more assertive, but that is very hard to do.

How much time a week do you have to spend acting non-passive? I would try to cut down on that to start with. Then, I would try to figure out why I am acting not like myself and putting mental strain on myself. Is it because I need to act this way to do something that I really want to do? If so, then I would try to find a balance of time acting more active and time being myself, so I can do what I want to do and avoid burnout. I accept a certain level of mental strain and discomfort, but it might take awhile to find the right level.

I have just about given up completely on trying to be something that I am not.
I am sick of pretending, to try to be normal because it's what society expects, f**k them!
It always ends in failure and often property damage and potential phsycial harm to self or others.

I think this whole practice of pretending is dangerous and ill advised to attempt and more has to be done
to train others on how to accept and deal with us as we are or at least be forced by major heavy fine for discrimination.

Pointing a finger at me and laughing in public should amount to $4,000 fine. Perhaps this will set NT's straight.
It is not we who should be punished but they who need training to contain their thoughts and show a basic level of respect for those who are different and short of making them pay heavy fines for failing such a task (which isn't that hard), nothing is ever going to change. Also, at least 25% of said fine should be paid to us as damages (mental and otherwise).

One can dream and that is all it will amount to is just that, a dream!

I completely get how you feel. One thing for me that I guess isn't considered typical for an Aspie is that even though I'm not normal, I adapted to my environment and can actually pull off acting like I'm normal very well. It might have something to do with my obsession of fashion and beauty, so I dress myself really well (which apparently Aspies have been stereotyped not to do?). Also In front of people I try and come off as just non caring and to myself to avoid socializing and anxiety. Weirdly I've been told that people think I'm "dark and mysterious" and that I seem just not interested in people or having relationships because I like it that way. However that is so far from the truth. It gets so excruciatingly lonely putting up this pointless act only to go home and break down alone in my room every day. I want to have friends and be who I am but its like I'm not even mentally capable of that. It gets harder and harder to be "normal" and I know soon I'm gonna snap.

When I was younger there was a phase of a few years when I was trying to adapt and imitate so I would gain acceptance in various social groups. It worked at first, but I never really felt good being in these groups, and it constantly felt like something was wrong or missing. After a while this led to me not knowing myself anymore. Some days I feel like I have no personality at all.