freaking out over things you know are unreasonable

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I'm going to put this in bullet point because I will write too much otherwise:

• went to sleepover party for new years eve, had a lot of fun liked everywhere there still had to shut myself in a dark room and lie down because of a overstim stress induced migraine, because stress for me manifests psychosomatically and shifts its presentation more or less at random, and migraines are apparently this month's thing.
• ended up having sex or getting to third base or something with a guy I've considered marriage material for years and haven't even had a date with before, because he initiated it (he's a trilingual classically trained musician who was a vegetarian (like me) before we even met (a rare virtue in Arkansas and one of my primary long term relationship criteria)). I would never have made a move beyond telling him frankly via text message that I think he'd make a good father, I like him, and I have considered dating him...which I did, about a year or two ago to a positive, reciprocal response and absolutely nothing beyond that.
• this happened the day after I finally went on a date with this other guy who is also totally marriage material (sweet, if I'm a 5 in looks he's a 6 or 7, pursued me through my completely honest communication about being dysfunctional and terrified because of aspie/anxiety issues for six months), has a PhD and doesn't seem to care that I'm unemployed just dropped out of school and am living with my parents
• I come home needing time to SERIOUSLY process things and have some quiet
• find my dad cleaned my room, organized my bulk teas (special interest), traded out computer chairs (where I spend most of my time) and in the process of washing my sheets packed a comforter that was a really important part of the necessary parameters for me to sleep
• my room was covered in dirty clothes, the tea needed organized in a big way, I'd been using a rocking chair as a desk chair and he replaced it with a computer chair, everything needed vacuumed and nothing he did was irrational and in fact there's a possibility of a slight funky smell from my room, (though as my parents are making extremely fragrant pork and sauerkraut for new years which would make me near to vomiting even if I wasn't vegetarian, I kind of don't see room for complaint)
• my reaction upon getting to my room, exhausted (there is leftover icecream stuck to my teapot and electric kettle from the party last night so major self-stim/coping tool 1 is down until it can be cleaned, which I can't do because I'm on the verge of tears and the kitchen smells like sauerkraut and pork and is next to both parents in the living room) is to freak out because my privacy has been violated, realized my secondary coping mechanism (computer) was now at a completely new and uncomfortable angle because of the chair switch, and that my emergency coping mechanism (burying self in blankets and sleeping) was inoperative because the comforter and several pillows and a sheet were gone
• while going into a progressing spiral of panic I simultaneously realized that nothing he had done was wrong, in many sense it could all be considered a gesture of kindness and quite thoughtful of him, and my reaction is to leave a pile of dirty dishes from the cooking I did at the new years eve party in the kitchen without the energy to clean them because I'm too busy freaking out and wondering if he found the bottle of alcohol in the bottom drawer or the sex toy in the suitcase and generally being aware all of this is only happening because I'm an unemployed drop out who lives with his parents who needs time to recharge after visiting friends from his (one time) peer group who have masters degrees.

at this point if one more person calls me high-functioning I'm going to want to kick them.

Last edited by Ca2MgFe5Si8O22OH2 on 01 Jan 2013, 4:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I would also freak out if my parents did anything to my room while I was gone. It's normal for autistic people to freak out over these unsolicited changes.

Unsolicited advice:

Perhaps, when/if you are calm enough to talk about this calmly, you can tell him to warn you ahead of time before he does something like that.

we did talk before I wrote this and it went very well. my therapist has seen the whole family (sans little brother) and given us a book on aspergers in adults and everyone is making an effort to be supportive. he brought back the old computer chair and told me the comforter was folded in a top shelf in the closet.

it's just that while trying to explain to him that he had done nothing wrong it's just that what he had done was making me very upset and while trying to be diplomatic I was also pretty close to crying like a baby. he hugged me and told me he loved me, which is more than so many people get but I'm just wigging out for a variety of reasons, for which the room cleaning was just a spark or something. (kind of hard to accept that I need financial and mental health and emotional support from someone whose work every day is for a virulently homophobic evangelical publishing/media company when you're gay and the other thing you're trying to figure out with your therapist besides aspergers is whether you're transgender or not.)

I don't know why unloading all of this semi-anonymously more or less in public is any help, but than you all for listening.

But it is helpful, isn't it? Glad to help you! Want my Skype screenname? I can PM you that.

For me that would be a violation of my territorial bubble. To NTs that would be a nice thing not to me. That was an unexpected change so your reaction is understandable.

Years ago I wrote a letter to my boyfriend. I didn't mail it because I didn't have a stamp. The next day I went out somewhere, got some stamps, and came back home. I looked high and low for that letter in my room but couldn't find it. Hmm. Very odd. Maybe, I thought, I stuck it in a book. At that time I was having severe problems with my stepfather and mother so I moved out. A few days later, it was Christmas. I went back to the house with presents. My mother took me to the side, handed my "forgotten" unmailed love letter to me and said, "If I find out you're gay I'm gonna cut your throat from ear to ear." I looked at her, took the letter and asked my oldest brother to drive me to the train. Yep. She crossed a line with me. That guy she was referring to was the love of my life. Two weeks ago she died. I was the only one who didn't go to the funeral.

Likewise.

A few years ago, dishes were missing and my mother said she was going to search people's bedrooms for the dishes. She'd never come into my room because I am an adult and she respects my privacy, but the thought of it caused severe anxiety and a meltdown.

I have the same problem at times, I am a bit better with it as an adult because I have a bit more control over the environment more like I know instead of being ridiculous trying to cover my eyes and head from bright light I can request that the light be turned down or off or compromise if someone is using it for something and maybe go in another room till they're done. Though even now too much is too much and I still have a hard time not being irritated or freaking out about quite a few things most people wouldn't notice.

It kind of reminds me of this scene of Spinal Tap I can totally relate to that.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypcSHTLlK8E[/youtube]

I've lost it over going to the store in the wrong car (two cars were going, and I was told I wasn't going in the car I expected to go in) and on another occasion when I was told at the last minute that someone I didn't expect to go along would be going along. In both cases I just refused to go because I couldn't deal with the changes.

I can relate.....yesterday I essentially threw a temper tantrum when my mom told me my sister was coming over unexpectedly in a grocery store................my mom kept asking why I was making a face and telling me not to look sulky after she told me and then I got really frustrated and screamed "well ,I don't want her to come over!"....................... I am 28 years old.

If it helps, the incidents I described above? Happened when I was 38 and 43, respectively. The dishes thing happened sometime between 40-42. There are several more that happened during that time. One I remember is whenever relatives I hadn't seen in awhile or people I didn't know or barely knew would show up with little or no warning, and I'd just be unable to deal with it. I still do this and I am 43 right now.

I am not sure if this is a reassuring "don't feel too bad about it, I still do it and I'm 15 years older" or a worrying "You're going to be stuck with this your whole life" statement, though.

I freaked out cuz the water took too long to boil just now, and I was really hungry. By the time I can feel hungry, I am eggstremely hungry and going to keel over.

Maybe our definition of "reasonable" needs to be different from the societys'/

for the sensitivity to smell it may be worth trying an activated carbon face mask, they work well for me with blocking perfumes etc.

the changing of room features without prior consultation does send me spinning as well.