Have recently come to believe my husband has Aspergers

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This is going to be very long, but I'd like to give as much information as possible to paint an accurate picture. Thanks in advance for any advice or insight!

I've recently come to believe that my husband may have Aspergers. I'm at the point where I will be relieved if he does, just so I'll know what is going on and will have some guidance with how to deal with our difficulties. I love him very much and we have a young toddler and are expecting another baby in the coming year, so not being together is not an option for us. That being said, our child and I have had to leave to stay with my family because of how miserable our lives have become.

His history:
He is 1 of 5 children, in addition to him, 2 others have pronounced signs of Aspergers. His parents are very very alternative and are more inclined to take them to a spiritual healer than a doctor for any reason. They had a tumultuous upbringing due to an unconventional religious group his parents were involved with and a fear of death was a constant in his young life. This has been the main thing psychiatrists have looked to as a cause of his anxiety in the past few years, but no amount of medicine has helped him in any real way.

When we started dating 4.5 years ago, he was living with his parents and hadn't gone to college and had never had a job except for a brief stint at a discount movie theater as a teenager. He barely graduated high school despite being very intelligent. He just couldn't be bothered most of the time and if he didn't see the importance in something it was virtually impossible for him to make himself do it. This is still a huge issue. He rarely left his parent's house. Sometimes staying in for months at a time. He however was largely involved with online communities and played video games and music every day.

He eventually was able to get a job and drivers license. He definitely has issues with authority and will fight with his boss about doing things like paper work. Luckily, this hasn't been a huge issue and he's become very very successful in a short amount of time, despite not going to college. He works in digital media with computers and taught himself everything he knows. The thing that throws me off about him having Aspergers is how much people like him. A lot of people think he's weird and he definitely says very wrong things in social situations, but there are also people who think he's amazing and he's always had friends. They are usually focused around something specific like music or computers and now work, but if he's comfortable around someone he's not socially awkward at all.

He does have some more classic signs of Aspergers (as far as I understand them, if I'm wrong please forgive me! I'm here to learn). He has a very monotone voice, has difficulty with the volume of his voice, runs into things constantly, gets drained by spending time with people and takes a period of time to recharge, is very dedicated to doing things in his way and gets MAD when he is interrupted, has fits of rage about things that don't seem like a huge deal to other people, very interested in taking things apart, likes traps, feels very at home amongst technical things, cannot summarize movies or books, doesn't follow a natural flow in a conversation, gets uncomfortable around displays of emotion he doesn't understand, has great difficulty empathizing with my feelings, says hurtful things when wound up, low sex drive (periods of normal, but it's just not a priority to him), doesn't have a normal sleeping pattern, gets bored by eating, doesn't place importance on normal standards of hygiene, and I'm sure I could list a lot more. A lot of these issues have become more difficult to deal with after having a child because I place more responsibility on him. Being unable to see my side of things is particularly troublesome for us and he often gets very cruel about things regarding my feelings or needs.

I guess my main question is if someone with Aspergers can be very socially at ease once in a while and have unstrained friendships with NT's. He does not have any trouble with eye contact or most sensory things as well. He took the rdoc aspie quiz and scored a 139 of 200 of Aspie and 75 of 200 as NT. He will most likely be tested in the coming month, but I would love any advice on how I can be a better wife and offer him support. He says he's never felt normal and this certainly makes sense, but he doesn't fit in with the tv version of Aspergers so he's skeptical.

Thanks again for taking time to read my novel

He does seem to fit an awful lot of the traits. It's possible however, to have a lot of the traits because it is genetically in your family but not have enough for a full diagnosis.

Has he said that he doesn't find socialising with others/NTs exhausting? Or is it that you haven't seen any sign? Does he go off alone to do things after he's socialised but not explain why?

Apparently there are extrovert Aspies. Having AS doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to socialise, but that you can have trouble with the art of it.

If he's lucky enough to find people who accept him for who he is, then it's quite possible that he doesn't find socialising stressful and not all Aspies have social anxiety. Social anxiety is often the result of bad experiences from socialising, and if he's been lucky enough to escape those he wouldn't necessarily have it. Although not common, there are tales of Aspies out there who through luck, environment, finding the right niche or whatever, survive without noticeable problems despite their traits.

As to how you handle him not being supportive enough or playing the role of husband and father in the way you would like, I can't offer much help. I have the opposite problem, I have AS and am a mother of two (being tested for AS too) with an NT husband. I feel that he doesn't understand my issues and the difficulties I face as a mother because of my traits. All I can advise, is not to pressure him, allow him time alone when he needs it. Perhaps have a conversation where you explain the role you would like him to undertake with logical steps as to how he can achieve it. You might need to allow him time to get used to it and to fulfil it, there may be some things he will never be successful at.

There a lot of myths about Asperger's and everyone with it is different and has their own blend of traits, personality and preferences just like anyone, so don't be guided by some TV version you've seen.

http://nymag.com/news/features/autism-spectrum-2012-11/

I think I perhaps oversold his social abilities. He finds any social interaction extremely extremely taxing. He definitely has to have a period to decompress, this is even true when spending time with me. He spends time with a person maybe once a month and has a nice time, but that seems more than enough for him. However, he has friends and colleagues he speaks to online almost everyday. In many situations he is very inept like ordering food or something. There are just situations where he seems at ease and I didn't know if that was something a person with Aspergers ever experience. He has severe social anxiety to the point that he barely left his house for 5 years as an adult. Whirlingmind, thank you very much for your reply. It's interesting to hear about the "other side".


As far as the article... Not super helpful. I'm not talking about some person who is a little nerdy. My husband is someone seen as barely functional to the outside world. I'm not looking for an explanation for him being a jerk. I want him to find some peace and acceptance in his life. He's good at working on a computer for 12 hours a day and playing music, and that's about it...

Have you talked to him about your suspicions? If not, why not? Is there any way why he wouldn't want to join Wrong Planet himself?

Of course, being in a cult--if it was actually a cult and not just an unusual religion--can result in enough isolation that children can seem autistic without them having the genetic predisposition for autism, if that makes any sense.

I have talked to him. He took the rdoc test and scored 139 aspie and 75 NT. He's been exploring various sites and has been looking at the boards here as well. He says it makes sense to him, but he's doesn't want to cling to a possible diagnosis prematurely. He did grow up in a cult which he doesn't like to talk about and this is what I always assumed caused his difficulties in life. However, the more I get to know him the more I think he has different wiring. I love his eccentricity, I just want him to be happy.

I think that's a distinct possibility! The only thing is despite his parents being apart of this cult it really didn't permeate much of his life. They didn't force it on the kids and he went to normal school. Being told the world was going to end was probably more difficult to deal with, but they still had a relatively normal life. I know this sounds weird. It's a very complicated situation. The other thing is that his youngest brother wasn't raised in the cult and he is the one in their family that has the most classic signs of Aspergers. I would not say he's even high functioning. I'm not a doctor and obviously can't diagnose him, but I would be shocked if he wasn't on the spectrum.

I should have also included in the original post that as a baby and child he didn't want to be held and would stare at things for very long periods of time. He hated all clothing to the point that he would hide to avoid being dressed. Wouldn't speak or learn things without being bribed by something like a pirate ship. Had a giant obsession with pirates. Had to be home schooled for a period of time because a teacher couldn't deal with him. Wanted to play alone all the time. Etc. I know a lot of this could be seen as normal childhood behavior, but because of the way he is now I think it could be telling. This was also all before the cult became a part of their lives when he was around 7.

You know, it's actually a little funny because a huge portion of our relationship has been online. We'll always talk on gchat and I call him my Internet boyfriend because he's so much nicer to me online! In the past month I've stopped working and we no longer Chat. Our relationship has suffered A LOT.

Some examples:
He had a friend at work who he would have lunch with a couple times a week and this guy is now his business partner. He thinks Husband is just the best. The friend is probably the most normal person I've ever met. Very strange pairing, but it's heart-warming.

The rare times we go to parties he usually separates himself from the party somehow, but he can usually find someone to talk to in the kitchen or something. It's usually about music or computers though. Alcohol is usually used as a social lubricant.

Once in a great while someone will just REALLY like him randomly. A checkout person or a nurse at the doctor or something. He can be very charming to these people. This happens maybe once of twice a year, but it always very funny and wonderful to see.

I don't think the cult experience your husband had would have given him an exact AS profile. On this site about the effects of being in a cult on children:

http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_articl ... en0403.htm

...it says:

I didn't take the time to read all of the replies in this thread but I wanted to say that, I've been diagnosed and YET, in some social situations, I can appear completely comfortable, confounding the people around me who know I am. Obviously, on the inside, I'm a boiling pot of anxiety, running at 110% mental function to keep abreast of the conversation. It's rare, but it happens. Other times, I'm a bumbling mess, though . Anyway, I'm glad you're planning on getting him an assessment within the month because he certainly seems to exhibit enough symptoms and cause enough familial issues to warrant it. Best of luck and I hope, either way, he gets the help needed!

As an aspie, my difficulty with social interaction varies widely. I can be almost totally comfortable around people I know well, yet find it almost impossible to interact with strangers most of the time. I only need a day or two to "recharge", sometimes less. Sometimes, when I am very anxious, I find it literally impossible to interact with anyone at all. I find it somewhat easier to talk to people online. I've had zero luck getting a job thanks to poor bus service, certain employers' stigma towards the autism spectrum, and the location of many employers I would consider working for are far from the bus lines. I have gone to college over the past three and a half years, and I changed my major last year from Computer Aided Drafting to Computer Information Systems to have a higher chance of finding work. Anyway, I do support you and your husband, and I hope he gets his diagnosis soon.

Thanks a lot for the insight guys! This sounds a lot like my husband. Sometimes he can interact without any difficulty and sometimes he would rather do anything to avoid it.

@sean_91 good luck with the CIS degree! My husband had zero luck in finding work until he moved into the computer work and now he's doing very well. Hopefully you won't face the stigma from employers in that field as they seem to be more tolerant of "alternative" thinking people

Hmm. Starting to sound convincing. I'd still like to see him around here, though.