I Cry and Cry for My Brother

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Hello,
I'm new to this site. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Maybe I'm out of place because I'm actually not the one who has Autism or Asperger's, but I'm worried about my brother whom I feel does (un-diagnosed). I'd appreciate it if you took the team to read the following and tell me what you think. Perhaps some people out there can identify and relate.

He's 24 he is the youngest of 3 boys in our family. None of my other brothers are like this; he is seemingly the only one. I have always had a lot of empathy for people, whether it is my own family or people I see on the television. By running through the fine points, Eric (my brother) has always been a 'loner', been fixated on guitar playing for about 10 years now. He has a 4 year bachelor's degree from Rutgers University but has no idea what to do with it. He doesn't ever show any signs of ambition or futuristic concerns. He spends his life between 3 places - his part time job, the gym (working out), and his room, by himself. He doesn't seem to have any friends and all and he's never had a gf. He is a smart guy, very creative. I've invited him a million times over the years to come out with my friends and I; sometimes he accepts but mostly declines. When he does, he never ever initiates a conversation. If he is talking, it's because someone said something to him and the conversation probably only lasts 30 sec to a minute. Even with me, I'm always really nice to him and try to help him and ask if he ever needs anything and I always ask if he's ok or if he's sad or depressed and if so, to talk to me. He says he's fine. He never reaches out to anyone for help or advice on anything. He is just content in his own little world. Don't think it helped that we lost our mother about 8 years ago. It just really makes me sad and I constantly cry because I don't want him to feel so alone or be depressed or sad or think he doesn't have anyone or not be able to get a job. He had a job interview a couple months ago but I was told that he didn't seem 'social' enough to get it (a friend of mine tried getting him the job). And my brother doesn't really have a grasp on 'how the world works'. He doesn't realize that if he wants to come to the beach, to go to the store and get a beach towel, you know? He doesn't really put 2 and 2 together, but he's definitely an intellectual person. I'm not sure if I should be doing anything differently around him to try to help him out or make him feel more accepted or loved? I get the feeling he wants to be able to socialize, he just doesn't know how. Even at family get togethers or parties, he rarely speaks to anyone and is always by himself somewhere. I'm actually crying as I type this right now and I'm moving out of the house in 2 weeks and it'll be just him and my father, and my father is worried about him, too. I don't think anyone else understands or accepts the fact that he has something like Aspergers maybe. They all just perceive Eric as a lazy, unmotivated, unemotional, non-loving, uninterested person...

**I know well that it ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD if he does in fact have it. The point is that I get really, really upset when I think about him and I want to know how I can help him

Thank you so much.

He could, from what you've said, just be extremely introverted, and there's nothing wrong with that - or with having Asperger's for that matter - if he's contented with himself and his life.

It always worries me when people worry about someone just because they're not social. Implying there is something wrong with not being social. It's a way of being, not the end of the world. Some people are more extroverted, some are more introverted. There are jobs one can hold without being "social enough." I wouldn't do well in a sales position or one that required me to have lots of public contact, and yet I supported myself all my adult life since the age of 19, mostly as a technical writer-editor. There's finding a job, which can be tough for introverts or Aspies, and there's finding the right kind of job. Once one finds the line of work that they can succeed at, the story changes - but that's true for everyone. We all have aptitudes, strengths, weaknesses.

I'm perfectly happy not having a very active social life. I'm a lot less happy when people - family members - try to change me or to convince me that I need a more active social life. A more social life just stresses me. I don't need it or want it.

As to whether your brother has autism or Asperger's, I think it would take a lot more information than you've provided to determine that, and no one here would be able to say one way or the other with any certainty.

It's clear that you love your brother and want to help. Offering your acceptance of him is the best thing you can do. Maybe you could suggest that he look into whether he has Asperger's. But I'd suggest simply asking him if he's ever heard of it and taking it from there.

Oh, and welcome!

I'm no expert on diagnosing Asperger's, and I can only go off of what I know of myself, and what I see of other Aspies around me.

From what you have written, it appears he may have an anxiety problem, not Asperger's. Does he do any strange rituals in his day to day life? Does he have a difficulty relating to other people? Is he not phased by things you and other people would be? (Considering an Aspie's empathetic problem). Does he have difficulty understanding body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice? Does he have any strange ticks or repetitive movements he does, possibly when under stress?

These are just little things to look for.

your brother is lucky to have you in his corner. welcome to WP.

what is your brother's degree in, btw?

Degree is in Math

Is there any reason why your brother wouldn't want to participate on Wrong Planet? And if he's happy with his life, why are you so incredibly sad about him?

I can talk from the prospective from someone who was born with neurological disabilities and tell you that one advantage of not ever knowing/remembering what life is like without a disability is that you don't miss not having a disability. Of course, people often imagine what you would be like without your disability, and they often kind of confuse fantasy and reality. They end up "missing" what the "non-disabled you", which never existed. Please don't do that.

I would be willing to bet money your brother has Asperger's Syndrome. You're smart to have caught onto it, most people think of autism as being a "dumb" disorder. And those who think of Asperger's Syndrome gravitate more toward an image of Sheldon Cooper than your brother. He's not just socially awkward or just some creative, smart guy or just some guy with a hobby; these characteristics are not all a coincidence, they are manifestations of AS. People might try to tell you otherwise, as if you need a birthmark, or a fortune teller to identify AS, and that's 'he's just that way'. However, AS comes in mild forms, which seems to be what your brother has.

To relate, I have a brother just like that. Everyone in my family (excluding my father) has mild AS. My youngest brother is in his freshman year of high school, but he sits alone at lunch (so I've heard), and doesn't go out - he prefers the comfort of his room. He seems generally unmotivated to do much of anything, he has plans for life, but has put no effort into trying to achieve them. I sometimes approach him about his lack of social contact, and he just says he doesn't really care about friends. I ask him about depression and he claims he's absolutely fine. Being a very social person myself, I can't imagine how painful life would be without the friends I have, but he seems generally content going through life that way.

I use this forum for trying to understand my brother more than myself. It's an amazing resource. Your brother is very lucky to have a sibling like you.

I know - and thanks. I'm just really scared about his future cause he feel like he's so helpless. At least he seems this way. And it's so hard to find a job these days, I'm scared he won't ever find something good. Can't survive in this world without money. I have a lot of empathy, I guess.

Thanks for listening

Dude, you are a fantastic brother and Eric's incredibly lucky to have you looking out for him. Anyway, when you first started typing, I was like, WHAT, this could be about me! 24, played guitar for 10 years (exactly), lifts weight, etc. Me and your brother would get along great, ha! Anyway, if he's always been like this, for as long as you can remember (even somewhat anti-social as a child) then that really increases the odds it's an Autism Spectrum Disorder rather than simply anxiety. I think, if he has some sensory issues (doesn't like bright lights, loud sounds, too much noise/talking, hates the feeling or texture of an object/material or food; any of these or perhaps, others) then I think you're really on to something. Maybe, look over the diagnosis criteria for Asperger's in the DSM IV http://www.autreat.com/dsm4-aspergers.html and see how he fits, from what you've seen. I think, confronting him with your concerns and perhaps, asking him to take the Aspie Quiz http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php (it's long, but quick) will pique his interest into seeking help for his issues if his score comes back very likely Aspie.

Why in the world are you crying over him? He sounds like he's quite content, as you say--quite possibly, he is happier than you are. Autism doesn't mean you have a bad life, you know. Doesn't stop you from being happy. He has his music, a quiet place to stay, honest work to do--what more does a person want out of life, really?

Don't judge his life on your standards. Sometimes people with a lot of "mirroring-type" empathy make that mistake (by this I mean the sort of empathy that makes you instinctively copy the emotions of those around you, so that you can be saddened by the mere presence of a sad person in your vicinity, for example). You put yourself in their shoes, but you react as you would react to their situation. When you empathize with people who are a lot like you, that's not a bad assumption to make, because they react much like you do. However, when people are more different, it sometimes leads to incorrect conclusions, such as the idea that an introvert must be lonely, or that a person with a bachelor's degree and a part-time job must feel frustrated.

Sometimes, the shortcuts that non-autistic, highly empathic people can use to understand each other actually get in the way. Sure, it's great to be able to understand each other near-instantly, to be able to gauge the mood of an entire crowd almost as though you're using ESP; but when there's more of a gap between personalities or between cultures, sometimes that shortcut can yield imprecise data. To understand your brother, it would be better to communicate in words, to ask specific questions which can be answered in a precise way. You have to ask him what he is feeling, instead of assuming he must feel what you would in his situation.

I don't know if he's autistic; there's no way of knowing that. He seems quite independent, as far as autism goes--he's employed and has a degree, both without special help, and that's more than many of us manage. It seems obvious that he's introverted, and if you say he's content I'd agree he probably is. If he wants to have some more social contact, he would probably have the most success talking to people who also like music, and probably best in low-key situations where small groups and quiet surroundings predominate. Introverts tend to connect quite deeply, rather than making a lot of friends all at once, and it's quite a legitimate interaction style.

I would consider myself somewhat similar to your brother as far as spending most of my time alone in my room, having hobbies, etc; I just share some of his characteristics. The thing is that I don't feel at all bad that I only have one friend, am considered socially awkward, and don't usually go to social events (when I do I don't talk, I usually just stare at an object thinking about something completely unrelated). I'm just saying, it's possible that he's happy as he currently is- I more or less am.

math - would he qualify to be an actuary? or even a bookkeeper? socializing isn't necessary, but an income is.

If he is on the autistic spectrum, you may want to cut down on the exaggerated emotional outpouring and weeping, this can be very overwhelming and frightening for some of us.

As others have said, he sounds like he has anxiety issues but he may well be mostly happy with himself, so no need for the weeping and wailing.

I also second the suggestion to get him on here.

There is one thing you should keep in mind - Aspies have feelings, but are not always able to express them properly. And that is why many people mistakenly belueve that we are cold and/or lack empathy.

Your brother probably feels your support and appreciates it, even if he doesn't show it.

From personal experience, I think Aspies can perform well in jobs that are generally linear and do not require organizational and/or communication skills. I work as a translator - they send me a text, I translate it, and I send it back. Clean and simple. And the best thing is that I don't have to contact the customers directly - my coworkers do that. I'm doing pretty well and I enjoy it.

So keep your eyes open for this kind of job positions (suitable for his degree, of course), and encourage him to give them a try.

I know that you worry about him - just try to make it less obvious. Show him that you accept him the way he is, that's probably the best thing you can do for him.

Good luck

im the youngest of 3 brothers...23....

diagnosed..autism...higher/aspergers w.e. ya wanna call it....

there's a pro and a con to everything.....

bottom line he's got to find his own way just like everyone else....might be harder..but such is life....some people have a harder time then others...but doesn't matter because it's basically a random card delt....you dont get to pick your cards...just use em as you can.