Has anyone else done this?
I am a compulsive liar, deceiver and manipulator. It all started way back in Middle School. The year before, my father died (I hadn't seem him in awhile), and for the rest of that school year, I was selectively mute. But after summer was over and I began MS, the stuff started. One day someone asked me something, and for whatever reason, I lied...and they believed me, and the webs have been weaving ever since. It was MS when I started to really withdraw, and all the "friends" I had, become nothing more than chores that I wasn't interested in doing. I stayed "friends" with them throughout MS (in school, occasionally out of school, but that was a rarity).
Still, during this time I made up elaborate tales and was basically split into three people; the "me" my peers knew, the "me" my relatives knew, and the "me" that only I knew (the real one). My peers knew of only my school-life, my relatives knew of only my home-life. So, I created a home-life that appealed to my peers and a school-life that appealed to my relatives. Luckily, the two (peers/relatives) rarely crossed paths (which allowed me to create the "lives" so elaborately), and the few times I did get caught, I was able to convince them that they were who had the story wrong (I was even able to convince them that they had met the people I created!). One thing that appealed to both was my having a boyfriend (I was not interested in dating). At school, they knew of a boyfriend who went to another school; at home, they knew of a boyfriend that went to school but had strict parents. At one point I did have an actual boyfriend (during summer) but he moved (which is why I "had" to create one for the relatives). All of this satisfied them, which gave me "freedom" to be myself. By the time I got HS though, I was tired of the facade and basically just dropped everything with my "friends" at school (didn't come clean, just stopped interacting with them). So, at this point, I was not socializing with anyone. My relatives were not good with that, so I convinced them that I did still have "friends" (even went to the point of creating fake profiles), which satisfied them.
Now, I'm recently out of HS and I have nowhere to escape at the moment. I was able to convince the relatives that classmates had just drifted apart, and that I do still have (online) friends (even have them "talk" to them (IM) sometimes). Thing is, I'm tired of it. I don't want to act anymore but I can't come clean. I know how to end it (without them knowing I lied, as I've done it before), I just can't do it yet. I will once I move for school (hopefully in the fall). Anyway, I just want to know if anyone else has ever done this? I know it's not "right" but it's something I felt compelled to do to survive, and I still feel the need to do it until I'm away from here. I have started revealing who I really am, and moving away somewhat from the tales, but I can't do it completely until I'm out of here. As stupid as it may be, the fantasy is my safety net here.
not to that extent, but i have created several versions of myself indeed, and to please the homefront, there were times that i had "plans" with my firnds over the weekend or the week, if i didn't feel like going home.
with my parents already being used to me not explaining what i do at such times, it was easy to get away with that.
the biggest problem came when i started to have several peer groups (in college), al of which i instinctively created a seperate "me" for, but the groups got cross-referenced.
at first, i broke contact with some of the groups (which i didn't really like anyway), but nowadays, i am (still) working on interating all the different versions of myself into one final version; one which my more important peer groups and me myself can live with.
it will never be the true me i think, but at least i will have only one other personality to use, instead of juggling a dozen
whirlingmind
Veteran
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,130
Location: 3rd rock from the sun
Still, during this time I made up elaborate tales and was basically split into three people; the "me" my peers knew, the "me" my relatives knew, and the "me" that only I knew (the real one). My peers knew of only my school-life, my relatives knew of only my home-life. So, I created a home-life that appealed to my peers and a school-life that appealed to my relatives. Luckily, the two (peers/relatives) rarely crossed paths (which allowed me to create the "lives" so elaborately), and the few times I did get caught, I was able to convince them that they were who had the story wrong (I was even able to convince them that they had met the people I created!). One thing that appealed to both was my having a boyfriend (I was not interested in dating). At school, they knew of a boyfriend who went to another school; at home, they knew of a boyfriend that went to school but had strict parents. At one point I did have an actual boyfriend (during summer) but he moved (which is why I "had" to create one for the relatives). All of this satisfied them, which gave me "freedom" to be myself. By the time I got HS though, I was tired of the facade and basically just dropped everything with my "friends" at school (didn't come clean, just stopped interacting with them). So, at this point, I was not socializing with anyone. My relatives were not good with that, so I convinced them that I did still have "friends" (even went to the point of creating fake profiles), which satisfied them.
Now, I'm recently out of HS and I have nowhere to escape at the moment. I was able to convince the relatives that classmates had just drifted apart, and that I do still have (online) friends (even have them "talk" to them (IM) sometimes). Thing is, I'm tired of it. I don't want to act anymore but I can't come clean. I know how to end it (without them knowing I lied, as I've done it before), I just can't do it yet. I will once I move for school (hopefully in the fall). Anyway, I just want to know if anyone else has ever done this? I know it's not "right" but it's something I felt compelled to do to survive, and I still feel the need to do it until I'm away from here. I have started revealing who I really am, and moving away somewhat from the tales, but I can't do it completely until I'm out of here. As stupid as it may be, the fantasy is my safety net here.
I haven't done that. But you are not alone:
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php ... Itemid=720
http://www.sabp.nhs.uk/advice/FAQs-and- ... xtract.pdf
http://hsc.unm.edu/som/psychiatry/ideas ... thal.shtml
The ability to take perspectives other than one’s own lends itself to being able to adapt or function within social interactions. This is often referred to as “Theory of Mind” or “TOM” (somewhat related to “having empathy”), which is a socially adaptive function and often limited in people with Asperger’s syndrome. Another reason for a display of dishonesty in young people with Asperger’s is due to their attempts to find ways to fit in with their peers as they often are ostracized for their poor social skills. Young people with Asperger’s may honestly feel they are telling the truth and are taking responsibility, which may appear as a lie/irresponsibility to others. Therefore, it is crucial to help young people with Asperger’s syndrome talk about their perspective as well as help them process others’ perspectives in concrete terms (thoughts, feelings, and consequences) to decrease what may or may not be dishonesty or irresponsibility.
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*Truth fears no trial*
DX AS & both daughters on the autistic spectrum
Yes. I have different personas for every social group. They aren't really distinct personas, some are more alike than others and some aren't used enough to have become different from others. My main personas are for my mother, for my father, for the people I live with, for university and for old friends from secondary school. Extended family gets the me from the parent they are related to, but with less information. My parents talk once in a while so I try to not have huge differences between my personas for them. Lastly one of my friends from secondary school studies the same thing at the same university as I. He's an information leak from uni to secondary school friends, so I have to keep a close watch on what he tells them.
The personas come into existence because of two reasons:
- A social group expects me to behave in a certain way and going against that is too hard so I become what they expect me to be. It's similar to talking to someone with an accent and then starting to talk in that accent yourself.
- People ask me a question about something I don't want to talk about, or just at a time I don't feel like talking. I give the answer that will stop the conversation as quickly as possible, which often isn't the truth, or at least misleading.
I've been trying to blend the different me's because I don't like them. I adjust my persona and what I tell people in each social group to move closer to the real me, but it's a difficult process because the causes for the different personas are still there. People still come at me with such strong expectations that I dare not go against it. Other things I just have no idea how to tell people, like the fact I have AS. When I don't need them to know not telling is far easier, and when I do need them to know it'll sound like I'm making up an excuse.
The only way out of it I see that would solve it somewhat permanently is to break contact with older acquaintances like my secondary school friends and stop trying to fit in and be my socially awkward self in any groups I meet in the future. This being myself thing is something I did when moving to where I live now, so while the people I live with don't know everything about me, if they found out through other people they'd just learn something about me I wasn't able to tell them myself instead of learning something that contradicts their earlier perception of me.
I think what I wrote isn't as clear and concise as it could be but I can't do better right now, sorry if something isn't clear.