Why do NTs reject normal friendliness?

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An example, is that in the past my youngest child was invited to the birthday party of someone in her class. She had no friends at school (being assessed for ASD) and I was aware that she was only being invited because at that age (five) they tend to invite the whole class.

On an everyday basis, I always kept myself to myself and never mixed with the other parents, I just stood on the periphery when I was collecting her from school, whilst the other parents would stand around gossiping etc. However, if a parent did approach me at any time I would try to make the small talk about our children etc.

At the party in question, I was sitting alone at the side of the hall, and another parent who had a baby with her as well as her son who was in my daughter's class sat next to me. I felt as if I was supposed to make conversation, or I worried that it would look rude if I didn't, because there was only her and me in the vicinity, other parents were elsewhere.

So I made a friendly comment about her baby, can't remember exactly what, but probably something about the baby looking like it was enjoying itself with the balloons or something. She really snubbed me. She replied very off-handly, without even looking at me, making it clear she didn't want to have a conversation with me. Perhaps there were no other free chairs elsewhere in the hall and she sat there reluctantly, I don't know, but why would she snub me like that? I definitely didn't say anything wrong, and she was as frosty as hell.

Things like this have happened to me before. I've tried to make conversation because I think I'm meant to, (I mean in situations not where you approach people because I've never done that, just if you end up very near to someone and everyone else is chatting so you feel like you are supposed to) but people have been very unreceptive and uninterested. (Conversely I've also had the problem where people approach you and start badgering you with questions and you feel like they are really in your personal space and wish they would leave you alone!)

Why do they do that?

That's how I would reply, because I would have no idea what to say. Maybe she wasn't an NT?

Then again, she might have some preconceived negative ideas about you. Maybe they gossip about you? Or maybe something in your tone seemed either nosy, or like you didn't actually want to talk but felt you had to (the truth)? It happens to me too, and I try to tell myself that they probably aren't the sort of people I'd like anyway, though of course every time I also end up wondering what's wrong with me and why I can't just appear normal on the surface.

I think she is an NT, because I saw her socialising with the other parents at other times, she didn't have anything to come across as Aspie.

I don't think I appeared nosy, it was a 'normal' situation and I spoke with a smile in my voice, just one short 'chatty' comment without saying anything else, just as if you are passing the time of day. I mean isn't it normal for NTs to chat, and she sat next to me, there was no-one else for her to talk to, surely if she didn't want to talk to anyone for some reason she would not have sat next to someone.

Perhaps my attempts at small talk are too unconvincing, but it felt like more than that, there was a very unfriendly attitude. And like I say, this has happened to me before, like I pick up a really hostile vibe from people when I've just tried to be friendly in a situation when it seems expected or normal.

I have been in similar situations too. Like when I got a ride from the car dealership, I chatted with the driver who was friendly and courteous. Another woman got in the car and barely spoke a word. She also didn't come up front when I was dropped off.

It's like NT's decide who is worth their time? to talk to, and to be socially acceptable is to actually not talk to those people you don't want to talk to and an attempt at casual conversation on your part won't be received well.

It is honestly baffling to me why people choose to act like that when they could've either nodded at you and turned away (indicating they are aware of you but don't wish to speak) or some other obvious body language. I was just reading another post on this forum about people being nice to people they don't like, it seems like this feature of NT socialization is contradictory!

All the time at work people just chit chat and I can't tell who wants to with me or who doesn't, some days I'm "in the mood" and can do it, others I'm busy as hell and it's a distraction and I'm sure I come off as cold or rude.

Chalk it up to another AS/NT conundrum of socializing, IMO. More faux pas please. (heaping helping) Thanks!!

Neurotypicallity is not the same thing as extroversion or social gracefulness.

I don't think this is just an NT thing. IRL I've met an aspie or two who has come across as very rude and aloof (even taking into account my knowledge about autism) - me included sometimes. I think sometimes people are just dicks - me included - and their "neurotype" has not-much to do with it. It's definitely accurate to say that some people decide who is worth their time and act accordingly. There are plenty of people on this very forum who are really quite unpleasant in their interactions towards others and have apparently decided that others AREN'T worth their time or ARE worth their scorn and rejection. As difficult as it can be I simply try my best to not let people like that affect me. Of course I'm not always successful (in fact recently other people's actions IRL have affected me a LOT) but I'll be damned if I'll just roll over and let these people ruin my mood without at least making some effort to ignore them.

TLDR: People are dicks sometimes (edit again: and some people are dicks ALL the time). Don't expect otherwise and you wont be disappointed.

Maybe there is an element of missing subtle cues, like maybe they were having a bad day or something or just an a**hole, or they felt ill I don't know, but if I actually saw something like that I would not talk because it's a lot of effort for me as it is and I wouldn't want to deal with the negative reaction. So maybe it is as simple as they are giving off signs that I fail to notice.

But because I've always felt different, had things happen and things said to confirm I'm seen as different, I always end up paranoid thinking "what did I do?" and why should they be so horrible when I was being nice.

It's the never being sure whether they have a reason that has nothing to do with me, or whether I have something so unappealing about me that I bring that attitude out in some people. I guess that just serves to make socialising even harder and less desirable and makes me confirm my negative conclusions about NTs.

Honest I think some people are not very nice so they act that way. Especially if they don't like you, they will treat you like dirt because they are not nice people. But at least they are being honest when they say they don't want to talk to you. There are people out there that don't even pretend to like you so they really show it when they don't like you than acting friendly towards you. I don't see it as pretending to like someone when you treat them with respect or are not being snotty with them. It's just the way I am so I treat anyone the same regardless. But there are people out there who act like they have different personalities because they " do not pretend" so they will only be nice to people they like and not nice to the ones they don't like. To me that just shows me who they really are and I would rather not want to be around them at all. I can't stand wishy washy people.

I knew a deaf girl in my high school and I really liked her because she was nice and sweet. But when I got to high school, she was a snot towards me. We would be bowling together and I would tell her "You got a strike" cheering her on and she would tell me in a snotty voice "I Know." I quit talking to her after a while when she kept having the same attitude towards me. I don't know why she changed. Sadly some people grow to be snots while some snots grow to be friendly.

This is why I usually let other people start talking to me first rather than being the first one to speak. That way you can be sure that they actually want to interact with you. My default stance is that I assume they don't want to interact with me and am usually surprised when they do and panic in case I mess it up. It's like having to do a stressful exam, always wondering if you're coming up to 'social acceptability standards', which is ridiculous when you consider the complete boring rubbish these people often talk anyway!

I really resent having to dance attendance on other peoples' social needs when they are often more than happy to ignore or reject me when they choose. I can't be wilfully rude to people though; I'm programmed to be polite and sensitive to others. It's when I've had enough of it not being reciprocated that I give up and then they need to batten down the hatches!

Because they don't want to interact with you at that time.

There's two levels to NT communication - there's the actual words said but there's also what the listener thinks of the person speaking ie their 'social acceptability quotient'

If your social acceptability quotient isn't high enough, it doesn't matter what you say, the other person won't want to interact with you.

In my opinion, people on the autistic spectrum and neuro-diverse people in general don't have such a high requirement of social acceptability in another person as the average NT does - this is why we are shocked why other people apply it so rigidly.

Social Acceptability Quotient is usually based on such criteria as how attractive, fashionable, popular, friendly and generally 'cool' the person is assessed as being on first sight or even how 'normal' the person seems to be to them.

Most people don't seem to factor this SAQ into interactions and are blind to it but it's always there in the background.

Some people are odd. I'm being serious. Us WP members think we're odd, but I've met a lot of people with weird ways of communicating with others, reacting negatively to small talk or genuine interest (or in a way suggestive of paranoia).

Kids parties are a minefield. At one of the first parties I went to, I was being quite chatty, in a small group of women (which is unusual for me, as I'm only chatty on a one to one basis normally). One woman was doing most of the talking, about her daughter, who has a rare form of epilepsy. I was genuinely interested in what she was telling us (medical stuff is an ongoing interest) and I asked a few questions. She was being very open, even without the questions, so I thought she was OK about us talking about it. But, I don't know what I did wrong (I really was just being friendly, in my mind), but she suddenly said, in a very loud voice, 'She doesn't have a learning disability, if that's what you're trying to get at'. I was so embarrassed and this was not what I was thinking at all. The other mums looked embarrassed for me too, but never said anything. Anyway, since then, I've gotten to know the Mum and she's actually very friendly with me, but she's a complete oddball and even said so herself. She had an argument with another Mum in the playground, which caused a major rift between a load of us and I know to watch what I say to her.

So, whirlingmind, don't think it's anything you did, the other Mum might have issues.

A thought of mine:


A bunch of adults are having a friendly game of soccer in a park. They are having a fun time, kicking the ball around to each other. Some are co-operating with each other, aiming for the same goal, while others are trying to snatch the ball off their opponents so they can score points themselves. They are all playing within the rules of the game, though, so it flows smoothly and everyone gets along well.

You were invited to the soccer game as well, and you have shown up, except you have brought along your own ball and are sitting on a bench at the edge of the park, watching the game from a distance. One of the players is getting a bit tired and needs to take a breath for a minute, so she heads to the park bench, sits down next to you, and also watches the game. At this point you think the friendly thing to do is to stand up and kick your ball to this woman, so you can play your own, unique game, of which the woman does not know the rules, or care to.

The woman looks at you strangely as the ball hits her on the shin and rolls away. "If you want to play soccer with me," she says, "you should be over there on the field playing with all of us, with our ball. You can't just jump in now and expect me to play your game after you have rejected ours". So you go and pick up your ball and sit down again.