attention black parents

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I'm a stepmother of an 18yr old with pdd-nos. She was just diagnosed a few months ago. The more I research treatment for asd the harder it is for me and my husband to accept this condition. For example, all the explaining and the breaking down we have to do just for her to get a task completed is ridiculous. Especially coming from a culture where u do what you're told and do it right. Can any other African Americans relate to this? Are there any suggestions?

Why is obedience without question always a noble thing?

She's 18; why should she obey like a child?

Well, I'm a white father of a seven year old girl diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and my wife and I have never had much trouble getting her to accomplish tasks. Then again, she's very functional on the autism spectrum to the point that I suspect she'd probably fit in well as an Aspie. I think we should be asking you, how functional is your daughter?

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

"...the harder it is for me and my husband to accept this condition." That's the problem right there.

Doing what you're told and doing it right isn't a luxury everyone has. A lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this and have difficulty following instructions. I have a lot of trouble with what many people take for granted as "common sense"-I need specific information.

I find it hard to follow instructions unless they are specifically spelled out. If it is not spelled out to me, I usually end up misinterpreting and misunderstanding. I wish it didn't happen, and it frustrates me as much as it frustrates those around me. I want so badly for people to see that I'm not being bad on purpose, and that I legitimately struggle with getting the correct interpretation from language.

For example, if someone tells me to tidy my room, I will not really understand what I'm supposed to do and I will get lost. What makes the room untidy? And what do I need to do in order to make it tidy? What does tidy look like? I need more specific information. If someone says to put away the things on the floor, clear the surface on the desk, and put the clothes away into drawers, then I know what to do.

(Thread moved from News and Current events to General Autism Discussion)

What you wrote reads pretty nasty.
I'm mixed race and grew up in a non-western society.
My suggestion is that you snap out of your rigid intolerance and actually support your step daughter.
Hiding behind your culture is just an excuse.
Do you reckon you have it so hard needing to change your attitude for the benefit of your stepchild?
Do you even consider how tough things are for her?

Nazi Germany had a culture like that. 'I just made the trains run on time.'

Questioning authority is a good thing. Rosa Parks didn't just do what she was told. Neither did Malcolm X or Martin Luther King. People need to think for themselves, or else they will be helpless against injustice.

This is why I don't like culture, tradition, old way of doing things...

I mean society evolves people need to evolve with it.

Seriously break your cultural norms, you need to accept their issues and work with them not against them.

Speaking of "doing things right"...

I'm still trying to make sense of your post. Your child has a developmental disorder and you and your husband are having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that child is not like the other kids? You seem to be rejecting the diagnosis because the accommodations your child requires to complete normal tasks is "ridiculous". The child has a developmental disorder and you're still in the mindset that she should conform to cultural norms. It sounds to me that the parents in this case are as much a problem as the child's disorder. Don't get defensive reading my post, I'm trying to help. My suggestion to you is- You and husband need to change your thinking. This is about the child's problems, not about your problems with cultural norms. Right now your attitude is a bigger problem than the PDD-NOS.

I also find it insulting that you only solicit responses from African Americans.

To the OP: I largely agree with this. Your (step)child has a disorder which isn't going away. The very fact that you refer to the things you need to do as "ridiculous" shows the contempt with which you view the situation. It may seem "ridiculous" but guess what: you HAVE TO adapt or you are gonna end up with a real messed up kid. I grew up with an (undiagnosed) ASD in a family where if you didn't do what you were told when you were told then my grandparents would put you over their knee and smack your ass til you did what they wanted. That was the cultural norm and that kind of thing can do lasting damage to a kid with an ASD (being punished because of being scared/confused by a situation and being unable to communicate that - oh and then, if you didn't speak then you were being "cheeky" and so more punishment!) and it did do damage to me although I don't blame anyone for it because they didn't know better. You are the one that needs to make alterations here and that means going back to the foundation and working from there: What are the needs of this child? I am all for respecting people's cultures but in this case f**k cultural norms tbh (and I would say that to someone of any ethnicity including my own in this situation), that child's emotional development and wellbeing comes first.

edit: removed an extra "you" which I accidentally typed.

Last edited by invisiblesilent on 19 Jan 2013, 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

EXACTLY

I agree with rascal.

Your culture(as well as most of Western culture) was not structured around providing a suitable environment for a child with PDD-NOS. Culture can give you guidelines for certain situations and contexts but you must be aware that these guidelines are not a one-size-fits-all kind of deal. In this case you are jeopardizing your child's mental health for the sake of perpetuating antiquated cultural structures which are not meant to handle the challenges you are facing.

You are only going to make her hate you and possibly the culture which fostered her maltreatment. I grew up in Miami, Fl around African Americans and Latinos as well as under a Latino(Caribbean, very African influenced) household. I can tell you that the rigid male gender-roles, traditional child-rearing techniques, and cultural expectations only traumatized me. Subsequently I lost much of my affinity to these cultures as they damaged me. I hate to say this but culture is NOTHING if it is unable to prepare you for your current context, and frankly our cultures are products of colonialism and slavery and thus prepared us for those contexts...