My nt-as marriage

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Seeking advice
Married 12 years to a wonderful nt.
She wants a seperation because can't help me anymore in regards to my as. Doesn't love me at this point in time but sees the seperation as a chance to think about the future of our relationship- not considering divorce at this stage.
Me- finally accept have as and realized what I have done to my wife. Am ok with seperation and seeing aspie trained therapist ( with her later)Really working hard to improve myself.
Have no control over the future of our relationship. Imagine won't know either way if it is to continue for a couple of months.
Thoughts - am I in with a chance? I really want to save my marriage!!what can I do?

First, think back to what you did to court her and win her in the first place. Make time to do things you both enjoy.

When she has something to say, listen with both ears. One thing I've learned since I self-diagnosed: for NTs, talking about it is like our stims -- it helps them feel better and calmer. Troubleshooting isn't the the primary point; just talking about it is. My husband and I have had far fewer fights since I realized this. It also helps that he now realizes that when I want to talk about something, I'm seeking a solution.

Speaking as someone who is on her second marriage, the fact that your wife isn't seeking a divorce is serious cause for hope.

I agree with your comments and think while there is no divorce on the table there is hope, but I think I have to be guided by her. She is feeling a lot of pain at the moment. I have been controlling rigid etc . At this point of time it is about her needing space. Her comments to me are that you have to show me something about you that is appealing. And yes I am trying to put myself in her shoes all the time. I think it will be a long journey though but I really am hopeful . The penny really has dropped for me about what I have done. I have massive massive regrets. I wish I had the courage to have changed earlier. I just hope it is not to late
One of my friends summed it up by saying you have been in control for so long, it's now her turn to have some. Mind you they did say she will have to change a little also.

I am doing everything I can do, with professional help to improve myself. I am giving her space as hard as it is for me. I would be very disappointed if down the track she wasn't at least prepared to give our relationship a second try. I think that our marriage is worth that!

I hope there are other people with positive stories to tell. I need some hope.


The thought of losing my wife and son is just overwhelming.

In my experience, if she specifically said that she was not considering divorce, you have a lot of reasons for hope. But it depends of how specific she was.

This is good:
- Are you considering divorce?
- No. I'm not considering it. We just need some space so we can fix it.

This isnt:
- Are you considering divorce?
- No, well, just let's get some space, OK?

First case, in my opinion, you should stablish two goals:
(1) Solving AS issues that make living together difficult and problematic.
(2) Regaining her heart. When problems appear, love disappear. It's not only about being able to live together, but about wanting it too. If you solve the issues but lose the love, no deal.

You may want to check out some of these websites for neurotypical wives of AS husbands, just to see how they "think," if you can call it that. I don't want to depress you, but they're often more open there, anonymously on the internet among fellow NT wives, then they are in real life with their AS husband.

Yeah, but some of those women are more like bigoted harpies trying to find a reason to blame the failure of their marriage entirely on their husbands. Many of them have diagnosed their husbands with AS in absentia, just to have the excuse. Many of them simply don't want their marriages to succeed. They just want to find a reason to hate their husbands.

Do remember that it's not your AS that's the problem; it's the difference between you two. She has to compromise just as you do. It's a lot like being in a cross-cultural relationship; like, say you're from the US and she's from China--you think differently, see the world differently; and the trick to co-existing is to understand each other, accept and appreciate the differences, and find ways to co-exist. Neither way of thinking is fundamentally wrong.

She's talking about needing her own space; I wonder whether you might not like to have separate bedrooms so that each of you has their own private place. I don't know if you have the space, but ideally you'd want one of you to take a spare bedroom, and then when you want to spend time together go into the big bedroom. And then when you get together it's more like a date than your just being shoved into the same room without having any choice about it. You've got to be really clear about your purposes if you pitch that idea to her though.

Is she an introvert? If she is, she may feel a bit stifled having to spend all that time with you. Introverts really need solitude. Aspies are often introverts, too; if you're the same way, you might just be getting exhausted having to socialize with her all the time. Introvert couples simply need time away from each other; they're not meant to spend 24/7 joined at the hip. It'd be better to spend some time alone, and then make your time together special--instead of just kind of getting thrown together whether you like it or not and secretly wanting to "escape".

My wife is extrovert efnj - me istj
We had a good phone chat today. I admit I have to move a lot in my thinking but she knows she also has to move but prob not as much as me. Because I have been so controlling she needs time in our investment property. She has chosen furniture decor etc. she also wants some financial responsibility.
She has promised me nothing for the future yet and nor should she. She is looking to see if I can make changes for myself -and believe me I want to. The things I did to her were things I was not proud of.
I have no proof of this but I feel if I can make changes she will at least attempt to work with me on our relationship.
I so want to make these changes, and many of them are so simple.
In terms of separate bedrooms I could live with that if it saved the marriage.
In terms of divorce she is not thinking about it at this stage is thebest way to look at it- at the moment it is just about the space she needs

What did you do to her?

Man, I'm sorry to say that, but you sound like your wife was perfect and you made everything wrong. No relation is like that. It's sure that you have your issues, but it's sure too that you made a lot of good things, as long as your wife made her mistakes too. Nobody is perfect.

You have to work hard to solve your issues, but you have to believe in yourself too. If you don't believe first that you have a lot to offer, you can't ask your wife to believe in you. Nodoby wants to f**k somebody who is saying constantly 'I'm sorry'. You have to show that you're working seriously in fixing stuff, but at the same time you have to show that you trust on yourself too. Asperger can be a problem, but can be a gift too, and you probably have a lot to offer.

From what you say, it looks like your wife is wanting to fix it and love you. But it's not only you who needs hope. Probably your wife needs some hope too, and it's up to you to give her this hope. Think that you're hoping to go back with her, but she's hoping to find the man she's wanting to love. It's up to you to be this man.

my husband and I have separate bedrooms due to insomnia (one of the things we have in common) and mutually exclusive sleeping preferences. It has worked well for us since a year after our marriage.

I basically ignored her when she needed me most. Eg when ill, when having miscarriage etc. I will never do that again if we can start again. This seperation is costing mega bucks but I would sooner have short term pain for long term gain.
I understand why she can't promise me anything, I have to change for myself.
I don't think she wants or expects me to be perfect buti must change some things.

They see when you are trying "just to get them back" even if you're offering something they want. If she's gone as far as to ask for a separation, getting her back right away is not an option. If you're getting the counseling just because she wants you to, that solves nothing, and that's why she is leaving. If you're getting the counseling because it's what you need, REGARDLESS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS, then you're up to the task of getting her back. Be true to yourself before the relationship. If you feel like everything you do is to win her back, she's already gone. But taking care of yourself and being a happy, healthy person is all that's going to draw her back to you. And that, my friend, can and should be a lengthy process for it to truly have any lasting effect. Quick-fixes don't hold.

So my advice in short is to not focus on the relationship at all, which is going to be very hard since you were with her for 12 years. You have to just explore your own happiness apart from her. Once you exude happiness and healthiness, she'll be more likely to come back to you. But it has to be genuine!

And if all else fails...
<---look at the pretty kitty!

you ignored her when she miscarried? sounds like one of those proverbial "and she let you live -- must be love" moments.

Even NT males are notoriously clueless about these things.

If the miscarriage was within the last year, she may be dealing with hormone issues in addition to the loss and anger. That you'll have to ride out.

The good news for you is you realize that you have problems and need to work on your relationship. Make time for her and listen with both ears.

"If you're getting the counseling just because she wants you to, that solves nothing, and that's why she is leaving. If you're getting the counseling because it's what you need, REGARDLESS OF THE RELATIONSHIP IMPLICATIONS, then you're up to the task of getting her back. Be true to yourself before the relationship. If you feel like everything you do is to win her back, she's already gone. But taking care of yourself and being a happy, healthy person is all that's going to draw her back to you. And that, my friend, can and should be a lengthy process for it to truly have any lasting effect. Quick-fixes don't hold."



What you have said above makes perfect sense.. I am getting the counselling beacuse it is what I need- quite frankly I was appalled by my behaviours and I would fail again in any realtionship if I didn't make improvements. If i wasn't appalled I could easily just walk away, and I have thought about it, but it's not what I want to do...My wife is spending all our savings setting up the new house but in reality what can I do.. If i put up roadblocks then its already over.

I have started my journey with my son initially, The improvements I have made are immediate and will be long lasting.. But i do miss him terribly

And yes I am trying to be happy and healthy and getting on with my life so to speak, I certainly am not wallowing ( not on the outside at least)...
I have let go of some many of my negative personality traits eg controlling, tight, rigid etc..
I am very aware that getting my wife to " fall in love with me again" could be a very lengthy process. I am under no illusions that it might take many months before she makes the initial signal that we can start again.. From there is could be a year or so before we are really healed... ( a friend of mine went thru a similar breakup and renewal and took nearly two years...)

I really believe that my wife has done me a favour, without her moving out I would of never changed. I know she can't promise anything, I have to make the changes myself,, and don't get me wrong, I know that some really hard times are ahead of me.. but at the end of the day I am going to give it my best shot to improve as a person and hopefully in time save my marriage.

My view but I have nothing other than my gut feeling is that my wife will give "us" another go if I can make improvements, and that is all I can ask for. If she walks away despite me making these improvements then at the end of the day I can hold my head high saying I have really tried and that clearly I wasn't worth it. Mind you, most of my friends and family think if you make all these changes and she still doesn't want to at least try down the track then at least you can be proud of yourself

Last edited by ozman on 18 Jun 2012, 6:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.

The miscarriage was about 9 years ago.. yes we both have to work on the relationship but the reality is that at the moment only I definately want to save the relationship.. she is in the undecided category... she is neutral on the issue.. My friends say that is better than being against saving, which is true.. The only thing I can do is work hard at improving myself- the counsellor says I have to 'man up' and be more emotionally mature.. hard for an aspie but something I am looking at doing with help.

We are also going on a holiday together with son and friend in september. Booke many months ago. At this stage I have to accept it will only be as 'friends'... I view it as a good chance to showcase the improvements I have made..
Deep down I know I am going to make these improvements but will be gutted if in say 3 months time she doesn't at least try again..

This statement somewhat flies in the face of what I was saying about doing it for yourself. You're looking ahead to a vacation 3 months from now as a chance to show off what you've learned. Then you've learned nothing if you're already forecasting that it's all for a deadline with her in 3 months.

What I feel... is that you've done exactly what I did in my last relationship. I convinced myself that I was doing all these things for the right reasons. And the right reasons were essentially anything that carried the tagline of "...because she told me to do it." Even when I went out and sought the help I needed, I was told to seek it out, and I toddled back to her at some point, proudly showing her that I was doing all the good things. And nothing mattered, whatsoever.

You've also mentioned you were too controlling. I think there's something you need to QUICKLY do something about. Firstly, she's burning through your shared life spendings and you're okay with this because you're playing along with the idea that you have things to fix in yourself, one of them being that you're too controlling. Well, her issue right now may be that she's feeling in control of her own life for the first time in a long time, but she's burning through SHARED savings to "enjoy" that control. It's reckless. If she wants to be separated, it could very well lead to divorce, at which time she'll have eaten all of your money so there won't even be any to fight over. And yeah yeah, money isn't everything. BS! Money IS our world! And if you worked hard for it most of your life, she can't just demolish it in record time. Is it just for a new place? Get a cheaper place. Is it for new furnishings? Shop secondhand. There is ALWAYS a way. And I also want to check and see if you're being a chump. If she's got you on the hook right now, and she's getting her way in every situation, it may very well already be over. Put a lock on the account or something. This is reckless towards both of you, AND YOUR SON.