My guess is that cheating is actually less common among those with Asperger's. We are people who like routines and predictability, and that sort of temperament lends itself to either living alone, or having just one romantic relationship. The confusion and unpredictability of trying to maintain multiple relationships behind each others' backs is not something that would come easily to us.
Regarding the lack of empathy: Please remember that this lack of empathy is NOT the same as a lack of compassion. What we have trouble with is a matter of communication: We have problems reading other people's faces. Say for example that you had a friend who was blind. You could not depend on that person to be able to see that you were smiling; you would have to tell them. Now, unlike a blind person, we can see a smile, and we can learn to interpret it, but we are usually quite slow at it and don't get subtle emotional information. The blind person actually has the advantage here: They can read your tone of voice. We also have trouble with that. The more obvious the emotion and the more time we have to think about it, the more likely we'll get the information.
However, once we get the information about somebody else's emotions, we respond to it pretty much the same way anybody else does. We know it's good that a friend is happy, or bad that a friend is sad. When someone is hurting, we want it to stop (though rather than trying to comfort them, we usually try to fix the problem that caused the hurt, because this is a concrete approach that is easier for us than the fuzzy socializing involved in comforting someone).
As for morality, there have been some studies on those with autism and ethical decision-making, and for the most part they have found very few differences between us and typical subjects. The one difference tends to be that we are more black-and-white, rule-based; so a neurotypical person might reason, "It's okay to double-park here; I won't be bothering anybody," while an autistic person would think, "Double-parking is illegal. I will have to find a parking lot, even though it is far away and I will have to walk a long way." And if that makes him late for his appointment, then the two competing rules of "Always be on time" and "Follow traffic laws" will cause a good deal of stress, because either way he feels like he's done something wrong.
When I was younger, I was ridiculously legalistic, a teacher's pet. I followed rules because they were rules. I would never even have considered cheating on someone, because of how wrong it is. Nowadays, I'm more flexible: I've studied philosophy and ethics, and I've found basic standards, things like the value of human life and the principle of fairness, and when exceptions to rules make sense; now, I understand that cheating on someone is wrong because of the pain it causes and because you are breaking a social contract you have made with your romantic partner, which will cause them to feel betrayed. I am asexual, but I'm open to platonic romantic relationships; I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, though, so I've never had the opportunity to cheat on one. I know people do; I understand theoretically why; but I can't see any logic in it.
Having studied philosophy helps me to make ethical decisions without having to depend on hundreds of thousands of specific rules. My mother, who is also very likely autistic (though not diagnosed), is still in the rule-following stage, to the point that she is a non-Jew attracted to Judaism precisely because of the Jewish scholars' codification of the many rules that make up proper behavior. I don't know that she will ever be capable of more abstract behavior. But, like me, she couldn't even conceive of cheating on a romantic partner. It just wouldn't be natural to her.
Not every autistic person is like my mom and me. It's not impossible for an autistic person to cheat on a partner. Autism would make it harder to juggle lovers, and most of us are such creatures of habit that things like that just don't appeal to us. But--we're human. We're diverse. And just like we're capable of choosing to do the right thing, we can also choose to do the wrong thing. Autism doesn't dictate our actions; it's more like we do what we choose to do in an autistic sort of way. If somebody with autism wanted to cheat on their partner, autism wouldn't force them to choose one way or the other. We've got free will just like any person does.
By the way: Aspie or not, he's cheating on you. Don't let him step all over your heart. Asperger's neither explains nor excuses that kind of behavior. Find someone else.
29 Jan 2013, 10:45 pm
