Are parents of kids on the spectrum tougher?

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My mom was a really tough lady, but that was true even before I was born. When I was in middle school, I had a music teacher who terrified me, just because she was so strict. She would deal with classrooms full of misbhaving kids, taught music for all the levels (kindergarten through eighth grade) as well as music appreciation classes and drama class. She was like the teacher from the black lagoon (not that this phased most of the students). Later I found out that she had a son with autism. What do you think?

My mom tended to overreact and would hit whenever she was disobeyed.

I know that other people, and my children, would characterize me as a "tough lady."

I think that I've always had some definite opinions about child-rearing, but I think my experience with boys on the spectrum has made me tougher, because you have to become immune to so much -- immune to other parent's looks at you when they observe, in their viewpoint, your child misbehaving (when actually the child may have sensory overload), immune to the fact that your tired but you have to work on the same social skills over and over, immune to the fact that your child doesn't participate in thing that other NT kids participate, etc. I totally value my son and his characteristics, his abilities, etc. I wouldn't have him any other way. But that doesn't mean that I don't have to do a lot of adapting, and all of that adapting just might be why I'm "tough." Also, having to fight the school for every little bit of the IEP tends to make a parent "tougher" as well.

My mom was tough. She said "no" a lot and did punishments. She didn't let me have sweets either nor more than one desserts and she didn't get lot of junk food and wouldn't let us snack when bored. She tell us to have an apple or something or have left overs if we are and we end up leaving the fridge empty handed. Obviously we weren't hungry in the first place.

My parents are never tough with me. They are very kind and gentle people, almost to a fault. They used to lose their tempers with me sometimes, but that was only before I got diagnosed as being autistic.

Are some questions prone to lead to unrealistic generalizations and stereotypes?

My parents aren't too tough, from what I can see.

My parents aren't overly tough on me, if anything, they are tougher on my (diagnosed) ADHD sister.

I know my mother isn't.

I'm the parent of an autistic child but I'm as placid as a kitten. My daughter was only diagnosed 6 months ago and I'm trying to learn to be tougher so that I can be a proper advocate for her. At the moment I hate anything to do with confrontation and conflict, but I have to learn to not be afraid to speak up so that my daughter can get the right services and stuff.

Nope, my mother is the opposite of tough.

I think I'm seeing different interpretations of "tough".
Some people seem to be defining tough as in discipline, not allowing the child to get away with anything, very strict and possibly a little scary.
Others seem to be defining tough as how I would define strong - as in a parent of a person on the spectrum needs to be a strong advocate, , they need to be strong to be able to handle public criticism in regards to their children and possibly themselves and their parenting skills.
In the first definition of the word tough, in relation to my parenting of my boys on the spectrum, I have been the disciplinarian in the family, I have tried to hold fairly high standards in regards to behavioral expectations; but I hope that they also have felt that I am a soft place to fall, that home is a refuge and that they know that above everything else they are loved and accepted for who they are.
In the second sense, I have definitely had to become a strong person through all I have gone through in my life and when it comes to my children - the analogy of the mother bear and her cubs is definitely appropriate. I will never stop fighting for them.

My mum used to be tough on me but is more understanding now. Her ex-boyfriend was on the spectrum.
I think parents with autistic kids have another sort of toughness about them. They have to put up with crap that ignorant observers say. They may have to raise their kids on their own. And they need a lot of mental strength and patience to deal with their autistic child.
Either way they have survived many battles and are much stronger because of it.

Yes, basically this. I was trying to explain it. Mothers of autistic children really are the 'mother bears'. "Insult my child and I'll roar in your face and whack you with my sharp claws." My mother is very defensive of me, even when she didn't know I was autistic. I'm glad I have her.

Wait, was this about the different kind of tough like dealing with s**t and sticking up for yourself? I took it as tough as what my mother was because she made the rules and had us follow them and gave out punishments if we broke them and she said no a lot and didn't spoil is with things we wanted.


I have no idea if my mom was tough or not.

Last edited by League_Girl on 29 Nov 2010, 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

that is what a parent is meant to do... i wouldn't classify that as tought, i'd call it parenting. there are probably good reasons for all the rules, i know i don't let my as son and daughter eat much treats or deserts. that's because they lose it when they do so it's not worth getting them all wound up for.

as for tough as in strong, well yes we have to be. we have to be strong when our children meltdown in public or freak out because they don't get what they want or don't understand things as quickly as we'd like which causes problems for both them and us. we have to withstand constant critisism and being looked down on from other parents who think we have failed our children because they have not yet developed the social skills they need. we have to hold ourselves together when dealing with behaviour issues we can not fully understand and figure out what to do with it. it' hard to teach the same thing over and over again just to see them look up at you blankly and know you aren't making any ground. we have to stand up to the schools to make sure our kids get what they need. we have to deal with extra grief from the child because of their as, and whatever behaviour issues they have. heck i've been bit, licked, poked, hit, punched, kicked, even purposely peed on. i've cleaned feces paintings off my walls more times than i care to think about, replaced things that they destroyed in a rage while having a melt down and lost things that meant a lot to me because to them it's just stuff. i've been kicked out of public places and chastised for things i can't control. i have been shunned by other parents when i informed them that 'no, he's not having a rough day he is always like that'. i get the evil glare from women every single time i go out of my house with them. i've been evicted because my child screams too much. i've had CAS called on my because my child injures himself(well he used to before his medication). i've argued with doctors and been told by (formerly) close relatives not to come to their home if i 'have to bring him'. i had to give up my career to stay home full time because no one else could handle their care, lost most of my friends and often have no where to turn for moral support because it seems like no one else understands. it is hard to deal with a child who has the maturity of a two year old and the brains of a seven year old. and yet, i am strong enough to still be here to be supportive and loving for them. i wouldn't expect any less of myself. i have learned a great deal of self control and learned to think outside the norm because what my parenting instincts tell me to do is often incorrect because of the as. i would sell my toilet if i had to, to make thier lives easier. i love them with all my heart and i have been pushed beyond what i thought my limits were so often and still be able to calmly try to fix things over and over and over again. i have learned that as my mother always said, patience is a virtue. i have to be strong and tough because if i wasn't i would fall apart under the pressure and even though sometimes i feel like i will, i can't let them down like that because if they don't have me then what do they have? it's not exactly the job i had hoped for and it certainly is more challenging than what i expected when i chose to have/take in the kids but i sure as heck would not trade it or them for the world.

I want to give you a hug. I'm sure one day your children will appreciate what you do for them, or they may feel that way already. My mum has only had to defend me in front of my siblings and get into arguments with my teachers. And now she has an adult that acts like a child that loves her and wishes she didn't have to be such a burden to her all the time.