Confessions of an NT sufferer in autistic culture

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Everything you say about us is right, dammit. :/ (Half joking...not everything is right about each one of us, but at least some of it is probably right about most of us.)

In my recent return to this world that I had a brief infatuation with and left, I was exposed to the idea that there may be many people who self-misdiagnose with AS largely in order to revel in the joys of identity.

If such NT posers exist, I'm just like them, except in the strategy with which I went about seeking the phantoms of "identity" and "goodness" and general narcissistic gratification.

I came here over a year ago, hearing about it from my aspie friend/boyfriend in the midst of wanting an identity, wanting to be special, wanting to be good...all the same things most NTs in our society are conditioned by each other to want and seek out in all the wrong ways. My strategy at the time was to admit my NT-ness, revel in my interest and curiosity about the variety of human perception, and admit to an envy of autistics for their gifts and their identity. My dubious semi-hidden agenda was to present myself to autistic culture as an "enlightened" NT who "saw beyond" the disease model of autism to the point of even seeing autistics as superior to herself, and who didn't fit all the worst NT stereotypes. Why would I do this? If I felt that I couldn't be special in the world at large by virtue of my normality, I could at least be special in an alternative world as an example of "abnormal normality."

Yup...I invaded autistic culture in search of specialness, identity, moral superiority, effectively using you guys for the gratification of my own ego.

And here I am, back to play the same game after I put together a few things I read recently (the Aspie suicide, the prevalence of BS among "psychologically healthy" people, and Alfie Kohn's critical look at the cultural systems of reward/punishment/behavioral manipulation and competition as sources of burnout and corruption in normal people and the possibility of alternatives that bring out the better side of human nature) and developed a strong infatuation with my current developments in personal philosophy. And back I came for yet more narcissistic gratification. Back to playing my old game of trying to present myself as enlightened.

And by posting this, in large part I am continuing to play, although if I want to I can try to BS myself into thinking I'm morally better than I think I am by making up a secondary excuse of giving you all an "informative" perspective of the phantom-ridden and confused inner world of an individual modern NT as a person and not as a stereotype, with which you can do what you will. lol...

So don't reply to my post, especially not with any positive comments, or else you'll be once again victimized by the crafty emotional manipulation of an inadequately treated NT sufferer.

Don't worry they is light at the end of the tunnel just ask the guy to replace the blown bulb...

Ummm, Ha Ha ! ! We get the joke. Really. Now go away.

I'm confused.

My analysis of myself:

A human being with a selection of weaknesses and failings that are fairly common in my culture. That's about the best that can really fit. I doubt I'd qualify as NPD, but I have some of the same weaknesses. Autistic spectrum, NT, assorted neurodifferences, whatever...put them all together and take a closer look and all that's left is a vast multidimensional space, in which coordinates cannot be precisely defined with any neurological or psychological categories. You're right, NT is meaningless, because people are too different for there to be really much of a "typicality." Yet people are also deeply similar.

Identifying with being an "ordinary person" was among my last futile efforts to find meaning in this kind of externalized view of "identity."

In a sense both terms are meaningless.

By focusing on the differences between people, it's easy to divide a group into smaller groups. When you have a sufficiently sized group of people that share the same description in a certain category, you are able to label them.

But there really are no clear boundaries between any of these artificial categories. These illusory groups and/or identities only separate people. When it comes down to it, we are all different. But then again, that's the only thing we all have in common.

I remember an old slogan from my school years. It could be seen on T-shirts and posters, and was part of an educational program designed to educate kids about love and respect.

"We are all the same, because we are all different"

Well, you seem to have a gift for self analysis and seem to know yourself very well. And you're honest with yourself about your intentions. Those things alone makes you unusual in any group, ASD or NT.

Maybe you are in denial about yourself and you actually have traits of AS?

Well thanks for being honest!