Being elusive...

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When it comes to socialising and making friends I tend to find that I have times (maybe a few days here and there) where I feel very social and will spend those days communicating with people. The result is that I will occasionally make a friend. However, I tire quickly when I socialise so my 'social mode' as I call it does not seem to last for long. After a few days or even a whole week I will become tired of socialising and want to disappear and be on my own with my hobbies for a while (usually for several weeks or so). At those times I am very hard to get hold of as I won't answer the phone, I take ages to getting around to answering emails (and won't always answer those either) and I get rather upset if people just drop around unannounced when no appointment or arrangement has been made before hand.

This can result in any friendships I have made coming to an end as the people involved think that I am ignoring them because I don't like them or am not interested in being friends with them.

The problem is I am just too tired to strain my brain in order to make social chitty chat. Plus I really want to recharge from my previous socialising by indulging my interests alone for a while. i also need what I call 'brain space' where I like to have to poke around my head, muse my own thoughts, reflect on anything I am studying or just sit and daydream etc. I can find socialising at these times distracting and I can get most upset when people try to force me to socialise when I don't feel like it. If I am forced to socialise at those times or I am forced to socialise too frequently I can actually become exhausted and depressed as a result and will voluntarily withdraw from any relationships as a result.

As a child teachers were always overly concerned that I did not always mix with the other children (when not in social mode I am quite happy to be sat playing by myself even now) and used to force me to socialise when I did not want to. I was actually contented where I was and I used to find their actions to be most distressing. At 37 nothing much has changed and if people in my life are not forcing socialising on me my therapists take over where they leave off...

It is driving me mental as I feel like I am trapped in a world that is obsessed with people needing constant social interaction. They seem to think I don't want to socialise because I am depressed. Yes I hate having no bonds in my life when I don't have any friends or relationships (my family is no longer in the picture as most are either deceased or estranged) and I like to socialise some of the time, but I cannot take as much socialising as most people I meet (even people with Aspergers) and I can be genuinely happy just pottering around on my own much of the time indulging my passions (I do adore my passions and I get so very upset when I cannot pursue them because I am forced to make inane social conversation instead about subjects in which I have no interes).

I have therapy upcoming and I am most worried to the point it is causing me to have meltdowns, which then results in my exhausting myself which either results in a migraine or a need to keep sleeping even though I am motivated to do things and really want to be up and about doing my hobby stuff instead (I get so drowsy that I cannot physically stay awake any more and have to sleep whether I want to or not). I know the therapist won't understand, they rarely do, they just think its depression.

But I am happier when I can have my alone time...not more depressed. I am also less stressed and I can pursue my passions freely. However, when I have no social connections at all I feel very lonely. I am highly introverted but not a complete hermit.

Does anyone else have similar issues? And how can I explain this to my therapist in a way they will understand?

PN my official diagnosis is not Aspergers, I have not been officially tested for it, my official diagnosis is anxiety, depression and social anxiety. Whilst I can experience some fear of embarrassment in social situations it is minor and does not pose as big of a problem for me as the stuff above does. In fact I will tend to over ride my shyness if I do like someone enough and wish to meet with them or spend time with them and it will fade quickly as I get to know the person. I still can't cope with the amount of social interaction time they need though. It exhausts me and I can't get any time for my beautiful hobbies....

And all my systems and routines are disrupted...
My life is turned on its head and my world turns to chaos.
It's not my world anymore...it's some strange twilight zone dimension filled with people who think rather strangely....and whom are obsessed with social interaction!

HELP

Yes!

I have this issue. I'm told I "drop off the planet" - which usually means im engaging an interest and feeling low social motivation.

This comes over as me ignoring them and being ignorant. This gets people offended and then ends things - dating or friendship.

If therapy or the prospect of it is making you WORSE then I question the reasons you are having it. Its already not working and you didnt even start.

the key terms to spell it out for the session are "low social motivation" "low social reward" or "low social drive" - they pretty much mean the same thing but everyone has their own preferred term.

The issue is you are being FORCED - you cant see the intrinsic reward. I previously could relate but I now set aside two nights a week for "people" - this is one of them. So I will go out alone and some people will talk to me/chat me up. I now see that I do actually need some social contact and that it is possible for an aspie "man island" to feel lonely and the need to interact with others.

My fears of cohabitation remain but I'd just like a house with a garage so i can box - i need a mans room and I think I may cope with it.

I sometimes crave some company but cannot cope with extended socialisation.

I do not wish to cohabit at all, I do wish to have a monogamous relationship with a lover but do not wish to live with them. Id rather they kept their own place and I kept mine. This does not mean that I would love them any less, it just means I like my space and do not want to share accommodation with them.

As I am on disability they (the powers that be so to speak) expect me to undergo some kind of treatment for my social issues etc. I get my disability on a temporary basis with regular reviews as I don't cope well with social interaction and change. The problem is they expect me to be able to over come it or cure it (ie I asked about jobs I could work that would require little social interaction or where I could work from home and the reply was that they would rather I got over my social issues instead...). I have been this way all my life, I'm not sure it is something I can just get over as it seems to be a part of who I am and feeling forced to socialise as much as most people expect is making me miserable. Medications fail and actually make me ill (too many side effects) and therapy just seems to make things worse also as they do not understand my social issues at all. Sometimes it feels as though no one does. I can be prone to depressions but they can often be triggered by too much socialising...this is not understood as it is usually assumed that socialising is good for depression.

Personally I find alone time with my hobbies can be more rejuvenating. I get most excited by my hobbies and find them to be invigorating and energising. However I do enjoy a few hours with a lover now and again...as long as I can get some time to myself and sit quietly with my hobbies if I do not feel like interacting with them. They usually think I am just being rude though! I just need some brain space is all...

Excuse any typos I have a migraine at the moment and whilst painkillers are helping my vision etc is still a bit on the not so good side right now.

Maybe if you got an Aspergers or ASD diagnosis your therapy and disabillity goals will be changed to be in line with your new diagnosis.

Well I think i need living family members to confirm my history as a child for a diagnosis of Asperger's and most of my family is deceased now. The ones who are alive are alcoholics and in and out of prison for assault so I tend to steer clear and won't bring them into it.

They didn't live with the family very often anyway so were not around most of the time.

Secondly, yet another diagnosis would add more stigma to my situation and I have enough of that with the social anxiety and depression label. I am also sick and tired of support workers, therapists and drs talking to me like I am stupid because I am shy and can mix my words up and stutter a bit when nervous. The irony is is that I am just as smart (if not smarter at least academically given that I average A grades) as them.

I am also sick and tired of therapists telling me the obvious or assuming that I am some kind of walking textbook when I am an individual with my own ideologies, philosophies and beliefs.

CBT is too generalised and too over simplified...all I can do it pick fault with the technique. It often replaces one assumption with another instead of working with fact, treats what it views as negative thinking as inaccurate when in actual fact it can sometimes be correct (positive thinking is no more accurate than negative thinking) because it is aimed at pacifying peoples egos so that they can feel the warm fuzzies because they can't cope with not being good at something (I am fine with not being good at things as I have things I am good at and as far as I'm concerned that balances things out) and encourages the hierarchical thinking so prevalent in society that leads to people believing there is such a thing as worthless human beings who are not deserving of basic respect when no such thing exists.

People just have different skills and abilities (which probably has some kind of evolutionary value), come from different backgrounds cultures and are all equal even if their social or economical status is lower than those who hold positions of power or who have money and status.

Hierarchical thinking ultimately leads to discrimination and prejudice and its a form of thinking that should have been abolished in the middle ages along with witch hunts and exorcisms.

Plus, whilst I think that some mental illnesses exist, I also feel that some disorders that are labelled as disorders are in reality, nothing more than natural variation within a species. But because society can be incredibly arrogant it concludes that because it does not fit into the box it has defined as what it wants a normal human being to be that it must be an illness that needs to be eradicated, especially as it creates difference. Society is not always accepting of difference.

I have issues with therapy etc lol. Please excuse my rant there!

For example...look at the example on this page and notice how they exchange one assumption for another:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/expertadvice/t ... s/cbt.aspx

Instead of assuming anything about why the friend did not respond why not just wait and ask them?

And this page:

http://www.aliceboyes.com/cognitive-beh ... echniques/

Example 1: Why don't they just ask the person what they think of the email link?

Example 2: The bosses feed back may be helpful but without knowing more about the specifics of the situation you cannot be sure exactly what the bosses intent was. More detail is needed and this example is a poor one as it does not cover all the necessary variables that may have been involved. In other words it is too generalised.

And so on....

And thinking of oneself as having value automatically implies that a human can lack value...this is not true. We are merely individuals who posses different sets of skills that may or may not be useful in any given situation. It has nothing to do with value and worth!