Effects of adult diagnosis?

Post Reply New Topic

My 53 BF is textbook Aspergers. I am very familiar with AS... (My son, nephews and ex husband are all Aspie). Ive been dating this guy for a year now and we are in love. He has approx one meltdown per month from the six month mark in our relationship. (before then there were zero). I endured an unexpected meltdown on Feb 13 and by the 14th I guess I had had enough abuse and I broke. I told him that I cannot be with someone who cannot apologize or look within anymore....as I have been apologizing for both of us, for the last six months since the meltdowns began. I finished with....'and by the way, you have Aspergers!' Since then...he's been in meltdown. His temper is shorter than ever and his very disrespectful, rude behavior is unbearable! I know he loves me so much, I see the love (and the pain) in his eyes. He tells me he loves me very much. I also love him...I thought he was "the one". I realize the only way we will get thru this is if he gets out of his denial and tries his best to try to understand me and my world. Am I expecting the impossible?

Is he doing anything to avoid those meltdowns?

One thing that my wife and I do successfully is to set aside "together time," in which I'll stop working on my special interests and go out with her somewhere and do something. For instance, we went out to see "Quartet" this past weekend, even though I was busy with something else that could have easily taken up the entire weekend.

You appear to be another in a long line of women coming on here deciding that any selfish, abusive jerk they meet must have AS. Wonderful.

He's not only selfish and abusive....he's very much a black and white, literal thinker, super intelligent, rigid as far as scheduling plans etc, uses words that NTs do not use in everyday sentences, has special interests, only talks about his children, marathons and work, the aspie like list is endless...so hes not just absuive and selfish. Also he has chosen me as his partner. tho my first choice would be to be with him forever...i dont know if i can stand many more meltdowns without remorse or apologies. I sooo wish he could get his head around being an aspie and accomodating for some of the traits that go with it. and as he and i are in a relationship i so wish he could consider me more and be there for me as well. Sounds like the impossible I know!

This man hasn't had an "adult diagnosis". He has simply had the word Asperger's slung at him like an insult in an argument. There is no reason for him to accept it, especially as you've already broken up with him.

The subject is "Effects of adult diagnosis?" but there is no question about that in the opening post.

The question is "Am I expecting too much?"

Since you have described him as selfish and abusive, but your expectation seems to be that he be caring and kind, I think the probability that you are expecting too much has got to be greater than zero.

A wise advisor once told me that a good relationship is based on the expectation that your partner will never change. If you like them just as they are, go for it. If you would like them if the became an imaginary, improved version, then there is trouble ahead. If you accept and love them as they are and then things get better, that's a wonderful. If things stay the same, that's wonderful too.

If they are selfish and abusive and things stay the same, will you then rebuke them for not becoming someone else? Will that make a positive and happy situation for you?

For me, figuring out AS at 30 has been an absolute blessing. But I was just pointed in the right direction then did my research and figured it out myself vs. being told by someone I had it. Due to the nature of AS, I might have been an a-hole about it in return depending on my mood at the time... like my family members who are also very AS and denying it are towards me still. I'm going to seek an official diagnosis in part to shut them up about "self diagnosis bs," and in part so that they'll slowly begin to accept it in themselves, learn about it & deal with it.

From the books I've read so far, if you can convince him to read just ONE book then he'll know full well that he has it and won't be able to continue denying it to himself and you and world etc and can then start working on not being such a dick about it. That book would be "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome," by Dr. Tony Attwood.

I still have an upward battle in trying to get my brother to read it so that it can benefit my nephew most, but also himself. He's being too stubborn to do so so far. But I KNOW that once he does things will change. He'll likely go through some initial shock and such as he realizes so many of these traits in himself, but so be it, I think it's way better knowing than not knowing. No, I KNOW it's way better knowing than not knowing. He's in his late 30's, not as old as your bf but still old enough to be very well set in his ways. Regardless of how long it takes, I'm determined to make him read this book and start sorting things out - especially since it'll benefit my very aspie 8yo nephew most.

Convince him to read the book and prove he's NOT an aspie w/ knowledge of it if that's what gets him to read it.. because once he reads it, he won't be able to deny it to himself any longer.

It probably wasn't the right thing to do to bring up the fact that you think he has AS in an argument. In fact, I'd say that was a very bad idea.

Perhaps it would help if you apologise for doing that and for jumping to conclusions, then explain gently to him that you thought that because you see a lot of the same traits as in the other AS people you know, and suggest that it might help him to discuss this with a professional to better understand the causes of his temper loss and methods of reducing his stress reactions. No matter how certain you are, you should not insist to him that he has it, but let him pursue diagnosis further at his own pace. The fact that he has reacted with extreme stress to your comment suggests that he acknowledges he may have it and is having trouble coping with that. Your question about how this relates to discovering AS as an adult is an important one, because if you have struggled most of your life without understanding why and built up maladaptive coping mechanisms then the realisation can cause emotional devastation. Imagine having to reframe your entire life history and behaviours and all of the relationships you have had with others with this new information. Before I discovered I had AS I had no idea why I became so overwhelmed or had so much difficulty relating to others and while diagnosis is really helping in terms of explanations and tools to better adapt, there is a big period of rocky emotional stuff involved too. The older you are the harder it is because you are reframing a longer period of life. It's overwhelming, so it's not surprising he has gone into denial.

Even if you feel he has mistreated you because of his AS symptoms, if you are interested in continuing the relationship and helping him work through the difficulties, I think tactfulness and patience is really important here. You will also have to decide how long he is worth waiting for, and at what point you will step away if he continues to flatly refuse to investigate the possibility of AS or the possibility of finding ways to lessen his meltdowns.

Good luck with it.