Fed up with aspergers stigma & how the System deals with

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After 3 years of successfully rejecting the stigma of aspergers Im still doing OK. I made the decision and want to find out how common this is. I accept I have aspergers but I dont like it, rarely tell people about it and if I do I tell them its not great, it ruins your life.

Everyone's different but it seems there are a lot of meek aspies who think aspergers is totally a good thing with some "challenges" and accept the stigma and label. I dont agree with this. Trying to pretend a bad thing is good seems silly.

I dont get involved in asperger training as I think its patronising and unhelpful as professionals see aspies as the "wrong" people who need to change and dont acknowldge society's or NT flaws. This is dangerous as aspies can get blamed for failings in society (eg the aspie graduate who cant find a job is accused of laziness).

Even going to a "social skills class" would destroy my confidence - Id feel like a victim. I dont actually need social skills classes but if I did they wouldnt work. I am genetically different and "learning" this stuff would be like trying to load MAC software onto a normal computer. You cant train people to be extraverts - it cant be done - it often results in stress and an aspie who acts neurotypical can often burn out. Ive found that NT people often have no empathy with me and can be quite petty and tribal, its like they need help.

I was once put in a group with aspies with learning difficulties (I am a graduate). Please dont anyone take offence to this but its clearly patronising and unsuitable to put graduates in groups where people cant even read or write - it drags them down. This happens to quite a few aspies (kind of like how a normal intelligence Roma child in eastern europe was put in a class for people with special needs). Another reason why I reject the label and stigma.

I only have problems because I dont really work enough to gain a good wage and dont have friends (when your work moves around the place friendships are weak). My career history puts overconventional employers off). Im pretty socially skilled and with a decent wage would be excellent.

Most aspies are fine with decent cash coming in - but its getting a job thats the problem.

On the subject of romance, many aspie men dont do well not due to their fault, but because a lot of women (maybe 70%) wont date low status aspie men (usually the ones who dont have any real work). There is now scientific evidence for this. But training classes and councillers and therapists always make out its the aspie men who dont have good chat up techniques and need to learn how to romance a woman etc (if she doesnt like you whats the point)

I am an actor (unpaid) and have appeared on stage in front of 90 people and you need to be socially skilled for that. Ive won awards for my acting. Because my aspergers has prevented me being a success I call myself an "actor" to compensate for this, even though Ive never done professional work, its still my identity and saying you dont work means you dont have an identity which looks bad and leaves you without direction.

Im not overly blunt and straight talking but to those aspies who are, we need it. We're often told we need to be more diplomatic and "better communicators" We live in a currupt and failing society (failing banks, Expenses Scandal, Hacking Scandal, horsemeat...etc). We need straight talkers to stand up to the System. Please dont anyone try to argue the System does work after whats happened.

As a person who rejects the label Ive been quite successful but I feel alone in this. It does hurt when other aspies tell me Im "wrong".

l hear you. l felt that way in Special Ed in school, l only had an ADHD diagnosis but we were all grouped in together. And in those days we we were even put with kids who had mental retardation(just the 90s).

So by 3rd grade l was being pulled out of special ed by my teachers.

l wouldn't take offense, the culture has to be that way so as not to degrade those who actually need that kind of help. l've also felt that way about the mental illness system, at least community based.

l can't really complain because it was free but l know l was being asked to come to groups with people much lower functioning for me. The deal was that if l did l'd get free medication (l had no insurance at the time).

l had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and later concluded the label didn't fit me anyway(7 years ago and have been relatively stable and med free since).

Anyway, l think some people in both the LD and mental illness world feel this way. Of course we sound like aholes if we complain. But it is important to understand that some people really do require the kind of assistance they offer and the reason for the patronizing attitude is often justified by some patients.

You sound like you know when your social skills need to be improved versus when you're jst being treated like an insubordinate child, though. l'd agree with you and l think some aspies are treated that way by the system, it's a shame some think the "proper" social skills they learn are anything less than brainwashing.

l'm even treated this way by some other NTs, told where l could "improve' and l don't waste any time LOLing at them.

But this is because l genuinely know when l'm being rude versus when l'm told to "stop being a smartass" to make other people look good(l think you do too).

You might have to go your own way. Maybe only tell close friends about the label, l talk to a few aspies online who rarely talk about it. We had a friendship before l knew they had AS, when they told me it was no big deal and l could talk about my own issues.

Hi Especially,

Sorry to hear you were put into a class with people with LD. I actually work with people with Ld now and I know the area well. I completely agree with you we cant degrade those who need these services but some parts of society cant seem to accept aspies are not LD people.

Yes the "treating people like a child" is needed with some people with LD and Mental health..but if a high functioning aspie comes among them the professionals should treat that person as an intelligent individual and not talk in the cliched and stereotypical way they often do (treating the HF aspie as a person with LD they have just taught). Its about personalisation and treatig people as individuals.

Another reason I reject the AS label is the bad image it has due to gun nuts and fraudsters being outed as AS people. Im guessing you're from the US as you mention 3rd grade in your post, so you'll have heard of that school rampage Lanza guy who has been described as having aspergers. Few people want to be seen as "oddball loner".

I am doing what your friends are doing - only letting people know I am AS after knowing them for a long time. However sometimes it could help to be honest as the AS would explain my otherwise up and down life.

When you say therapies won't help because therapists only want to change you into an extrovert...have you ever tried one on one therapy with a psychologist who specializes in autism? Mine actually did the opposite. I went in there and asked for ways to build my stamina and tolerance for social interaction so I can function better (essentially asking him to make me more NT), because my job was taking too much of my energy so that I was unable to do anything but go to my job and come home and rest until it was time to go back to work. He said there was no way to do that, and instead helped me find ways to make sure I was getting enough downtime (by figuring out how much I need and working it into my schedule as a non-negotiable and helping me to accept that not getting as much done as an NT would doesn't make me lazy). All he has done basically is work on getting me to accept my limitations and be willing to work around them no matter how odd "my way" of doing things may seem to the NT world. Example of something simple, just to give you the idea: I can't pull out into traffic going left, because crossing two lanes and judging how fast the oncoming cars are moving in both directions is impossible for me. I feel really stupid when there are cars waiting behind me and I realize too late that I could have gone. And then the NT reaction is to honk, which makes it even worse. So instead, I turn right and turn into the first place I can turn around on the other side of the street, allowing me to make a right turn and be going the direction I need to be going. However, my therapist's answer was not working on my "driving phobia" like many therapists would do (and have tried in the past), he simply said, "That's a pretty good way of doing it...it's good that you recognize that you can't tell how far the other cars are. You shouldn't see that as a problem, but a good solution that you were able to come up with on your own". So the therapist didn't make me feel stigmatized at all...which is not to say that I don't agree that society definitely should make room for us the way we are, instead of forcing us to either fit their mold or be outcasts. I just think that SOME of the people who are trying to help us might actually know what they are doing and be on our side.