NT question re: not understanding vs. not caring

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Hi,

I have a question: I had developed a very close friendship with an AS man and since he opened up, so did I (I know big mistake). I stuck around for a long time (he also had some delusions & paranoia). I understood AS and tried to be kind and open, forgiving for a lot. But he would say cruel things (unintentionally), had meltdowns (unintentionally) make jokes at my expense (intentionally), put down my dreams and aspirations (intentionally) be very unsupportive to me and finally dismissive (intentionally) & looked down on me (all the while keeping up the mask and being super supportive to his other female friends). Then he would get angry when I would get sad (I couldn't help my expressions or feelings). Of course, I was replaced. But when I broke away, he sought me out (only to make himself feel better, not cause of me). It saddens me cause I really cared for this person and would have been a support (his family was not).

I wanna know: 1. I understand that sometimes he did it unintentionally, but is it that he also knew what he was doing and didn't care. 2. Do AS men get pleasure out of causing other people pain? 3. Are all of AS adults like this, because I feel so hurt and traumatized that whenever I meet and AS person I feel afraid and close up (whereas before I had a lot of understanding and empathy and loved the humor & would be super inclusive) 4. Is there a type of person AS males pick out to be cruel to, since they can chose to be so kind to others. 5. Or was this just that I knew him so well his mask slipped off?

No two people with AS are the same, we just have the same neurological condition that can manifest in a myriad of different ways. Whether or not he enjoys being nasty is down to his personality not his AS. I suspect that you don't understand AS as well as you think you do. I would guess that he became overwhelmed by your attention and, most of the time, had no real idea what your intentions, beliefs, values etc were (as well as being unclear himself what he was feeling about things) and, as a result, his frustration at himself for not "getting it" and his frustration at you for thinking that you have a handle on AS and, consequently, him may have been vented as anger or nastiness.
Being with someone too saintly can put pressure on anyone but especially those who do have to deal with the fact that they go around upsetting people they rather wouldn't - it can feel too uneven.
It is tempting to see bad behaviour as the "real" person because that's what NTs are like - when the mask slips you see the person inside. With AS it's different - many of us have a hard time knowing what we think or feel about something and, often, the more important or pressing the issue the more frustration can lead to a sort of mini-meltdown where the negativity inside has to come out and can be misinterpreted (usually with good reason) as an attack.
I have similar problems with women. There is a certain type of woman who tells me she totally gets AS and that I should be delighted at having met such an enlightened soul. Sadly, in may case at least, they are just deluding themselves because they like me for the more everyday reasons - I am clever, not unattractive and single. I feel like I am protecting them from themselves because, despite how charming I can be, I absolutely need down time and I WILL make mistakes which can come across as arrogant or insulting whether she cares to believe it or not. Very few women, in reality, are prepared for a relationship where one person's emotional needs are so at odds with the other.
Bottom line is this - relationships, hard as they are for NTs, are much, much more difficult for people with AS and, as a result, the people who care for them. It's often not fun and can be one-sided. My guess is he feels just as bad as you but doesn't even know exactly why.
I am hoping to meet someone who is as crazy as me and who knows it so we both get to acknowledge our mutual efforts in respect of each other. The movie "Mozart and the Whale" deal with this, albeit in the context of an AS/AS relationship. May be worth a look.
Hope my ramblings made sense to you

No.
Emphatically, no.
Some people have blue eyes.
Some people are pigs.
Neither trait belongs to AS or NT.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. If he knew he was causing you pain, and continued to intentionally harm you anyway, then it sounds like he's just a jerk (and that's putting it lightly). Maybe it's because of his family, maybe he thought he was doing the socially acceptable thing, but it sounds like he understood that what he was doing was wrong, yet still did it anyway.

I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum, because everyone is different, but I personally don't believe everyone with Aspergers is intentionally cruel or seek out people just to hurt their feelings. If I were you, I wouldn't distrust other people on the spectrum just because this bloke traumatised me. I guess, in a way, it's comparable to dogs or some other animal, I wouldn't hate all dogs if one bit me, neither should you.

I promise I am not a troll, I am just in pain and just got out of this. I am sorry!

1. I apologize that my pain came through but this year has been very difficult .
2. I appreciate the kind words, you were not gullible
3. I am not a saint, all the cruelty made me get mean
4. I just wanted to hear from the AS perspective what was going on
5. I appreciated everyones comments
6. I'm sorry

I am so sorry to you all, this "friendship" has really messed me up so I was referring to him specifically when I said, big mistake, cause he used it against me. It all made me clinically depressed and I was searching out for answers. I would never try to bait you, I keep messing up. I am so sorry...

If he truly has AS it sounds like he might have something else as well. He sounds like a narcissist to me.

Thank you for your reply, I know you don't have to. I never thought of that, maybe. I was so confused.

Please don't feel bad about asking questions here. This is supposed to be place where people can be open and try to get some help with whatever is bothering them. Even the guy who said you were a troll admitted to being grumpy. Take no notice.
I hope you feel better soon and are reassured that men with AS are similar to NT men in that we can all be jerks sometimes.
People with AS should know better than anyone that it's tough to be alone with something that is making you sad. In future, try to do what we are often told by therapists etc - don't allow other people's behaviour to make you feel bad. So you had a relationship that didn't work out. You shouldn't blame yourself. Be the captain of your own ship and set sail for future happiness.

Narcissist sounds likely. Or a sociopath. How many ways can you spell pig?

Thank you both, I know, that is what was bothering me the most that I was once a sensitive, but strong woman and I couldn't figure out how I allowed myself to become so affected by it all and started to believe all those things. You are right, some space and time and I'll regain myself. You guys give me a little hope in humanity, NT & AS.

Tahitiii, no dumb posts, I appreciate your patience and I can understand how you guys can be weary and on edge...that is how I have been feeling lately!

"Be the captain of your own ship and set sail for future happiness." Rooster - I love this quote! I am beginning to pull up anchor!