Welcome To My Life

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Hello random stranger, (Greetings from behind the computer screen)

Instead of the typical rant about the symptoms I present as a possible Aspie, I will simply BLOW YOUR MIND. (Possibly.)

Let me begin by saying that I have not been diagnosed with Aspergers, I implied before ^^^, and by this post, I simply want to provide you, whoever you are: an Aspie, NT, dog, etc, with an intro to who I am.

Who am I you might ask (or be thinking "Who is this nutjob?". In this case, you may continue onto the next post and erase these few seconds of your life.)

I am eccentric.

I am a dreamer.

I am an avid artist.


But overall, I am an enigma.


An enigmatic conundrum bound by secrets wrapped in puzzles and dipped in mystery~Me in a Nutshell

Yes of course, I hope you realize that I am being rather metaphorical. Which is the parallel of one of the symptoms of Aspergers. I am not: a zebra, a literal, black and white thinker. No, I am a vivid rainbow, in fact. Please, if you must, call me Q. That is all I ask.


Now, it appears I am babbling yet again. Let me cut to the chase, my life can be composed of a few simple events.

Except, they are not quite simple.

My life is defined by these events where it affects me to the point of asking myself everyday: How is the weather?

As trivial as this question may sound, let me elaborate by saying that I classify these events as periods of time that are variables. They change and cannot be controlled nor predicted. The events can also be considered to be moods. These events are what I call: thundering, the storm, the drizzle, my rainbow

Thundering~now this is before the storm. This duration of time varies and where I am most irritable. Anything ticks me off where I am at the point where I could explode any second. Lightning strikes, are the sarcastic comments I may direct toward someone. Towards the end, I need to release.

The Storm~a bittersweet moment. Yes, this is my release ,however, it only lasts for a few fleeting moments. And in this small duration of time, anything can happen. Sometimes, I do not even remember what I did, who I hurt, or what I said. During this moment, I scream, I shout, I die inside. I hit things, I break things, I punch things. My head aches, my body shakes, chaos. This is where the pacing begins. I often babble random nonsense and repeat the same sentences over and over again until it all makes sense somehow. I usually grab something, anything to have a touch of reality. Then, I fall, to my knees. And on the ground, I begin to rock with my hands covering my ears for the world to simply shut up. Thoughts are racing through my mind as I feel I am dying.

And then, all is calm...or so I think...

The Drizzle~an endless aching throughout my body. Physically: sore from the damage toll. Emotionally: numb from all the tears. Mentally: confused, so many thoughts were bubbling before. Now?

Nothing. I feel nothing, I see nothing, I want nothing. I am dead on the inside. This can last from seconds, to hours, to months. I want it to begin, I want it to end. Sometimes, it can be comforting, a safe haven where I lock myself within my mind. I block the entire world out where I simply exist. I fantasize, I ponder, I dream. I do not speak during these periods. I am silent and emotionless for days on end. I simply stare right through people. I go to school, I come home, I eat, I sleep. That is all asked of me and I fulfill such chores. Now comes the fun part.

My Rainbow~the period where I am happiest...however, this can be dangerous. I jump, I giggle, I roll on the ground, I blurt random facts and quotes from my favorite TV shows: House and Big Bang Theory. I pretend to be characters from my favorite anime shows. All is well. But as fore mentioned, this can be dangerous. I could hurt someone, or myself. I do risky things while caught up in my excitement. But I savor this event the most hoping for it to never end...it always does.


All and all, I am still me, and you are still you. Anything can trigger such events. Thundering can depend on my mood, my time of the month, if something is not how I like it, or if something does not go my way. What triggers the storm is something that pushes me over the edge. An accumulation perhaps or simply what someone said. The drizzle simply happens where I am put into a trance. For the rainbow, it comes and it goes.



Now onto a different topic, how others view me.



I am named so many things: Rude, Insensitive, Cold, a b***h, Loser, Weird, Nerd, Narcisstic, Sarcastic, etc.

Do I listen to what they say? To some degree...I hurt, I swear, I cry, but they never see. Who are they? The kids at my school. When the storm does come, I "go to the restroom", lock myself into a stall, and release.

I do not understand people. Society continues to baffle me each and everyday. Everyone expects so much. They ask for things I can not give. So they take. They take my dignity, my self-worth, my happiness. For what? This I still do not know.

I know a lot of things. I can recite the Preamble, I memorized all the president's last words (along with other famous people), I remember strings of info people find to be menial. But I do not know what makes people laugh at me...

Is it the way I walk? How I apparently have a weird gait that looks like I am shuffling across the floor.


Is it the way I talk? How I use "big words" where a child my age should not be able to use.


Is it what I am interested in? How I am obsessed with anime, Yu Gi Oh cards, Pokémon cards, etc.


Is it what I am not interested in? How I lack all excitement for the trivial gossip and latest fads.


Is it what I wear? How I wear clothes that I find comfortable over stylish.


Is it my intense need for order, routine, and sanitation? How I often become upset over "simply" missing the bus or "just because" the lunch lady put my mashed potatoes in the wrong spot on my tray.


Is it my lack of eye contact? How I come off as rude even though I have trained myself to watch people's lips as they talk.


Is it my staring? How I observe my peers to recognize their quirks, interests, strengths, idiosyncrasies, and way of socializing?



Only a glimpse into the many questions I ask myself but still no reply. When in a social confrontation, I become nervous and may present odd behavior to others. I do not notice, however, what I call normal, is weird. What do they mean by weird? When I am nervous, upset, or angry, I often:

Pace
Babble about random strings of info
Repeat words
Rock
Sway
Fingers twirl
Hyperventilate
Sing favorite songs' chorus


Honesty. I despise all forms of lying which include the smallest white lie. But, apparently, I hurt others' feelings by being "too honest". I do not mean to do so because when someone asks if a pimple is noticeable or if an outfit makes them look fat, well then I tell them that it is the biggest zit I have ever seen and that regardless of what they wear, they are obese. Somehow, this is offending. Just recently, my peers have tested my brutal honesty by asking what I think of them, so I did. Then after they stopped crying, they asked about our teachers. So I told them...now I think I may have got some of my teachers fired...


Humor. My humor, to me, is hilarious. To others, they say I am funny but rather cold, dry, and mean. I do not laugh at some jokes because I may not grasp the concept, or I simply find it to be stupid. My peers laugh when I am honest but I am simply not trying to be funny. My humor includes science jokes as well as mocking our political leaders. When people really laugh, it appears to be directed at me, but I am not quite sure. Society appears to laugh the most when the jokes involve the torment of an individual. I stray away from such humor.


Perfection. Everything has a specific place. If a possession is out of order, I literally take 15 minutes to adjust it to be exact. If I do not, then an itch at the back of my mind continues to grow until I fulfill this duty. I have a compulsion to finish things. Even though I presented my Photo Story project for science class a month ago, it was tossed into the pile of my other "unfinished" projects. I become upset when the volume dile for any appliance is not an even number. Playing card games is nerve wracking because I have to order my cards by suits, sequence, color etc.


Repetition. I use to have to count the syllables, words, and punctuation of sentence structure I or others said I use to count my steps how I count notes in music. If I were to quicken my pace, I would go from eighth notes to sixteenth notes. Now I have dimmed this down to a minimum where I repeat quotes from TV until things feel "just right".


Routine. I have a specific routine for everything. I have a certain water fountain I use, a specific spot where I sit, and the people I associate with at different times. I do everything on the count of 10 because this is my lucky number. I rosin my violin bow 10x. When I had long hair, I use to pull the pony tail and count ten seconds. My watch would be adjusted and I would pull on the tassle for 10 seconds. Before eating, I said Grace 3x then proceed to fix my tray and fold my napkin 10x. From bathing, to praying, to emptying my book bag, I had a routine for. When such things become disrupted, I release.


Food. I am a very picky eater. One example of food that is a triumph to eat is salad. I first pick out all the white lettuce that is appropriate crunch and width. Then, I find all the cucumbers properly circular without skin to my liking. Next, I find all the red peppers that are cut as the same length. Then I would separate each food into their individual spots on my tray. The only dressing I use is Raspberry Vinaigrette.


Expression. I apparently always look upset. I cannot smile 24/7 because I often twitch when I smile. My voice is sometimes flat but when talking about my interests, infliction is conveyed


But the world does not cater to me. So to fit to others' needs, I classify things into two categories: right and wrong.


Right: speaking up
doing chores without help
smiling
laughing
walking straight
being polite (which includes white lies)
socializing with family members


Wrong: being too quiet
being too loud
needing to hear directions repeatedly for simple tasks
making my weird noises (I "erg" when I am upset and "hrm" when I think and "nya!" when exasperated)
ranting
wearing clothes that look like I am "hiding"
frowning
being alone
slouching (this is how I stand)
bragging
being gracious with gifts (hey, I can't help that I do not like saying thank you after all the ugly Christmas sweaters)


No matter how hard I try, nothing is perfect for this world. I see myself as an escape artist. I daydream constantly, escaping to my world of Forevermore, the land that outlasts oblivion. I listen to the same songs over and over again and create my own stories to go with the lyrics. Solitude is my favorite past time where I can be alone with my thoughts. I am an artist where I draw everything I see, the beautiful things in nature (I can not draw things from my imagination). I watch the birds fly away. I envy them. I wish to leave this hell I am living and escape, to fly away. Day by day, I am losing touch of reality and falling into my own fantasies.


Little by little, I am defying gravity.



Recently, after a teacher watched my release during a storm, I was reported to the school professionals who are "helping" me. I may be on suicide watch and marked as depressed. Now, I am seeing a social worker who has no clue who I am. Please, any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


Yours truly,
Q (Defying Gravity, Forevermore)

So much is similar ... and yet so much is different ...

Hello and welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks for the reply! And just wondering, what is familiar to you. What is different? Oh, and sorry for the long post, just realized there is an introduction forum, too! Silly me Thanks again for reading!

Similar:
- I don't understand people either.
- My mother has mentioned that I walk differently than most people, with my legs brushing together. I don't really notice it.
- I don't really like fads and gossip and all the stuff average girls are interested in. Just thinking about that stuff makes me feel queasy.
- I don't care for fashion at all either.
- I like science jokes and jokes about political leaders too!
- I'm a picky, and I'm picky about the way I eat.
- I like to daydream up stories too. It's one of my favorite pastimes.

Different:
-everything else

Other:
- Don't worry about the long post. There are no rules about post size. If someone ever complains that you make an overly long post, just don't worry about it. The only thing you really have to worry about is the fact that some people might skip over your posts if you make long posts.
- This site will probably help. There are plenty of friendly people here you can talk to. You'd be surprised how much talking helps, even if it's just over the internet.
- Don't worry about missing the introduction forum - there are 70,000+ people on this site, I'm sure some of them missed it when first joining too.