Accepting who you are

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Hello this is my first time writing on this forum.

(This may not make alot of sense since i am writing this late at night)

Have you ever wondered why people find what you are doing to be weird most of the time in which the action you are doing is like breathing to you and you never found it weird at all? Also i felt some self hatred because of being outcasted and bullied without knowing why Let me give you a few examples:

1) Pacing up and down constently around to think without noticing it lost in thought.
2) Sometimes walking around an object the same way over and over.
3) Wearing the same type of clothes (hoodies and jeans most of the time)and shoes (i probably wear between 1 to 2 pairs of shoes i switch occasionaly between each pair but at the end of the day i feel confortable in them i cant explain exactly what i mean.
4) focusing on something so hard that if somebody where to distract you that you would instantly shout at them or get angry very fast at them.
5) Randomly having racing thoughts in your head and being able to imagine places secenarios ideas and making up stories in your head.
6) When listening to music gives such a deep meaning to you that it is worthless to try and explain to anybody else who tries to understand you. It is like the music itself is deeply connecting with your soul and you just want to "feel" the music moving through your body with every change of beat from high to low every unique sound. I sometimes dont even listen to the whole song i just fast forward to most parts of the song that have that unique sound at that specific moment (hard to explain).
7) Being very resistant to parents and school (school was a nightmare for me no friends due to me being "strange").
8) Also its weird when you know what your trying to say but it is a struggle to express it through words.
9) Talking to yourself constantly think about life philosophy make up my own observations therioes (pretty fun to do sometimes)
10) social awkwardness people call you a freak, moron, guillable, ret*d.
11) Always thought i was different i always thought to myself why a certain joke was not funny, why certain people would cry over something as petty arguements i never understood it social interaction.
12) I laugh sometimes when i should be crying it feels like i can never cry i find things that are not supposed to be funny to be just the opposite.
13) I watch cartoons everyday play video games obssessed with it i can concentrate on the things im interested on for very long (sometimes i just zone out i dont have to "try" to concentrate it just have happens and its intense sometimes i can spend hours and hours without realising it)
14) When i am talking to someone i feel comfortable talking about what im interested in which is very small ie(games,card games, chess etc) but without realising people call me self centered but it was never been my intention to be it is just natural for me ( hard to explain)
15) i cant lie and any women who is nice to me and friendly i instantly get attached to almost overprotective of them as if i need them and i cant let go of them but on the other hand it seems like i dont really pay attention to them or care about them when i in actual fact do. Relationships have been bad because of this i.e complaints of obsessiveness being clingy but then sometimes i can totally forget and not care sometimes. Always believing that everyone is good and taking everything seriously (this has been a downfall) (hard to explain )
16)if someone touches you on the shoulder you freak out and panic.

i.e number 15 its very hard to rellate emotionally and to communicate with another person even though i dont really know what they are feeling i just do thing robotically im not

16) you cant get to the point always long winded sentences always have to talk from start to finish with every detail.
17) when easily fustrated you can get very pissed sometimes very angry sometimes leading to violent outbursts
18) very impulsive distracted easily being bored
19)Not very good with hand eye movements and falls alot clumsy.
20)had to do speech and therapy classes
21) cant show emotion very well i can only laugh and thats it when someone is sad i dont react approprialty sometimes i have a straight face most of the time.

For some reason i knew i was different i thought i was ret*d at one point. I started hating myself and always thought why am i different from them. Get depressed very quickly i never fit in at all.

The reason why i am writing this is because i want people to be aware that if you have any of these traits or not within you (maybe some others as these are just some of mine) please do not go in any guilt or self denial/self hatred that you were cursed in life. Hopfully you would slowly need to come to terms with realising that having Asperger's is not really a curse in life and that you have to live with it and no matter how much you try and deny it you cant get rid of it or reject it or try and change yourself because society school etc will try and pressure you into changing into someone that frankly you know yourself that you are not really sooner or later depending on how long you have been through life it will feel as if you just give up and realise not alot of people will understand you that well no matter how many times you explain. Soon you will have to come to terms with the fact that it is what it is and you are who you are. Even if it means going through a very challenging life (feels as if it is you against the rest of the world) and looked at as being cold apathetic as having anger problems etc as long as you accept it yourself and understand yourself as you are and enjoy life life because it is not a curse but a unique blessing a box full of suprises. No matter what people says who cares.

sorry for the long post sorry if it doesnt make sense.

I am what I am, and I love myself. I did not when I was younger.

I do not know how to be anything else, and I cannot say what it would be like, better or worse, to be neurotypical. I think NT's would say it is better to be like them, but they do not know what it is like to be me. Most of my problems did not come from me, they came from either how they treated me, or made me think that there was something wrong with me, just because I was not like them.

I LIKE spending time alone, and thinking, and immersing myself in sensory experiences which NT's don't seem to appreciate. I don't care that I don't have a lot of friends. I am happy when people accept me the way I am, but am also happy to avoid anyone that doesn't. I like my distinctive way of seeing things, my creativity, that I am very empathetic, that I an honest, and that I have a good ability to focus.

I hate feeling like an outsider, and uncertain of myself in many situations, but I don't feel I would be better off to be one of the mass produced NT's of the world.

MAYBE I would accept it, if the world did not make me feel punished for it when I was younger.

Most NTs think they are special. Not one of the crowd. Ironic really...

I was deeply depressed and increasingly suicidal for years. I framed it this way: society has no place for me. I will always be the odd one out. I will never have friends, a job, a happy life. I will always be bullied. I wish I could just leave.

I had two quite detailed suicide plans and one day I had a blackout during a deep depression and found that I had walked to the place from which I could execute plan A.

Standing there, oblivion a few moments away, I felt a tremendous sense of loss of hopes and dreams. And I realized that I was letting them win. And I had real moments of happiness in my life and the thought came very clearly and unemotionally to me:
To hell with all of them. If a thousand people are all going one way and you are going the other, then they are all wrong and you are right.

That was the moment when I chose "accept" and began a new life.

There was a fragment of a Bob Marley song that used to play in my mind's ear, with the lyric reversed:
Live for others, you will live in vain. Live for yourself, you will live again.

This was not about selfishness, but self-acceptance. Don't let others define what's right for you don't let go of what you know is right. Go after the experiences that bring you joy with everything you've got.

That day was thirty four years ago. I have certainly had plenty of sorrow between then and now, but so much happiness, too. Accepting myself was the beginning of an intense struggle for a place in the world. If I could do it over, I would try to make that choice earlier.

Last edited by Adamantium on 04 Mar 2013, 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've accepted my autism for the majority of my life, but it took a while for me to accept another aspect of my personality. Though I have the appearance, and mannerisms of a mild mannered and sensitive celebrity, I couldn't fully accept it until late 2009. People around me were treating me like an idiot and I came to the conclusion that it was because of presence I gave off. I had the horn rimmed glasses that I didn't need in hopes that my immediate family would treat me like an intelligent human being. I faked the Mojo in order to hide my unworldliness and innocent nature. I faked the Punk Rocker image to get back at someone who dropped me as a friend at an Internet site. I've finally accepted that my mum was right about my Mick Avory-like nature and even chose him for a proper role model.

I've never had a proper role model until late 2009 because 99% percent of the adults in my life were poor examples of human beings towards me. It's hard to resonate with either of your parents, when you're being emotionally and mentally abused because of your autistic traits.

The flavour (if not the details) of your story are familiar to me.

My song is Jimmy Barnes' 'No Second Prize'.

"No one can tell you exactly what you have gotta be
You've got to stand your ground and fight to save your life
It may be hard, but ooohhhhooo its the only way
Always remembering there ain't no second prize
There ain't no second prize"

To me, my feeling when I think that song, is that I have only ONE life, it is MINE and I have every right to be here, and do what I want to with it.

Cheers to us!

Thanks for posting this, it was just what I needed to hear at the moment.

im 19 at the moment and to be honest it has been very difficult for me. I have been through alot of isolation and been outcasted laughed at bullied. My sister always says to me when i walk into a room peoole always would come up to her and say how okd your brother? Does he have special needs? School is worse because you know you do not fit in anywhere people make fun of you. It really felt self hatered always wondering why do i even bother anymore. I could never relate i just could not understand it. I tried but to no avail it felt as if people were laughing at me and taking pity on me. My sister gets most of it people telling her most of the time he is ret*d or does he have problems? Prleople laugh when i drop things stutter walk very weirdly i cant walk in a straight line very often. Bad motor skills etc. If any of you are going through the schooling system please hold on and fight and just get through it. Even if you might have self doubts lowed self esteem just keep on moving and fighting because it took me a long to realise that my life will not get any easier and that there will be challenges in my life because of thi@/s. Have courage and be yourself dont reject what you are because at the end of the day you only have one life so you might as well live with it and accept the life that you are given. I am so honest and i cant lie and i really feel very deeply about. Certain people but when i try to reach out and show it i fget rejected called a creep etc and it hss really damaged me emotioonally it has made me shut off completey. Somedays i dont know how to manage i always think am i the only one in this world. I have put up elwith so much abuse in my life no one knows how i really feel inside. Its like i am on my own island and i had hopes that in the future that i might be able to be accepted for who i am . However it dawned on me that i might never find anyone who will ever understand me and that if that was to be the case i would have to also have to try and understand her which would be hard and difficult for me.

I think some people on this site understand exactly how you feel. I suffered similarly when I was young. It was only when I was about 29 that I really reached a point where I stood up and claimed my right to BE.
My life then finally progressed. True, I still have difficulties, but I am happier, and love myself.

You know, I do not believe I ever loved my husband. He is also damaged, and I don't think he knows it. I do not tell him. I just live and act like a loving wife, and he buys it. I do not see the point in discussing it with him, it will only upset him. I enjoy the sensations involved with intimacy, but I don't feel an emotional bond with him. We have been together 16 years, and have children. He has post traumatic stress disorder, and is quite messed up. If he did not get so angry sometimes, and hurtful, then I would be satisfied to spend the rest of my life with him. (and not hate him so much)

My point is 2 things: Firstly, the nightmare you feel you are living in will eventually subside as you learn to avoid the wrong people, and to protect yourself from their harm, and to reinforce your self esteem. You may find accommodation, or a job or something that helps you to find your strength. And focus on your STRENGTHS! You are better than the people around you in some ways, so try to identify those ways. This will help you see your own worth.You HAVE worth, or you would not exist.

Secondly, the world is not divided into 'AS' and 'NT' only. There are many kinds of people with many kinds of experience, outlook, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses. If I waited for a NT to sweep me off my feet, I probably would still be alone, if I had not suicided by now. My life is not how most people think as regular life goes, but it is better than it could have been. Do not give up that some unusual girl somewhere might need and want someone unusual like you. You really never know.

And one more thing. I also am very honest. In this world, I often feel like honest people are victimized and taken advantage of. I have been robbed and used many times, sometimes knowingly. I am less inclined to let that happen now. I am more skeptical and careful of people, but I have made a conscious decision to remain HONEST no matter what. I decided to live up to the personal standards I have set for myself in my life, based on my own ideals. I have only this life that I know about, and I will be the one to decide who I should be.
In this world, it takes strength to be honest. That is a good quality you have. I know it, even if some smug dishonest NT's do not.

And welcome to WP

I also can relate to a lot of this. It wasn't until about 5 years ago (so about 26 years old at the time) that I started to 'accept' myself. It's not a on/off switch, and if it were then it'd be switching on and off all the time. I imagine it'll be a choice i make for the rest of my life to forgive my faults and be ok (i'm also very ok with not achieving the "love yourself" state but that's my aversion to cheesiness)

Last edited by CaelFrost on 04 Mar 2013, 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry, I forgot to state that I love that you started this thread, even though you probably were feeling negative about it at the time.
I was surprised to see the results of the poll and it gave me a huge lift. It reinforced my belief in myself and made me think about my place in society, my rights, and the difference between the harm caused to me by others and by myself.

Thank you.

Accept.

But I reject the idea that I can't change or improve.

I accept who & what I am, more and more so with time & learning, but am still free to improve myself via whatever ways work - diet, exercise, meditation, meds, knowledge, practicing things etc all continuously make me a better and better version of myself that I can accept even more.

Do you think the reason most people are treated as outsiders or called mad is simply because they are being true to themselves and are behaving very naturally or they are being REAL. These people are unfortunatly being labelled and rejected from society becausef being very intense emotionally or highly sensitive above the norm. And whatever is not norm is basically treated as a disorder, problem that needs to be rid of or controlled managed etc. For example :

1. When we feel anger we really feel the anger. On the other hand when we love it is love at an extremely deep level almost obssessive we become immensly attached with the object or subject wheter be it academic music art etc

These people as having ADHD,bipolar disorder, AS,etc

Its really sad because people who are labelled with any of the above are seen as mad crazy immature weird freak or a menace to society and needed to be controlled by imprisonment drugs to stabillize moods or to get rid of the "problem". Unfortunately for the person in question it might lead to seculsion isolation feelings of self hatred and because of this go into a period of being withdrawn self harm because of self rejection with would lead to an intense inner struggle with oneself etc.

I want to know what you think on this matter? Personally when i
get angry i get very fustrated and have a short temper however when i feel deep love for something or someone i feel so obsessive if it is a person i would be so affectionate towards the person and every thing to it. Because of this i would be called many names and would emotionally withdraw because of this. Has anyone had simillar experiences?

If you like who you are, accept it. If you are unhappy, change it. But never use "i am what i am and will always be" as a way to justify laziness. I remember years ago when I said I'd never be able to socialize or fit in, and I look at my life now and I'm amazed at how much I've improved. That's because during the time in between I didn't accept my flaws, but instead tried to fix them. And things have mostly worked out.