What do you think of this communication style?

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I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to this communication style.

I am very talkative and expressive (more so now than ever before). When engaging with the conversation partner, I do best when I can just listen to a string of auditory information without paying attention to anything else and, if in a noisy place, look at the mouth to aid my auditory processing with lip reading. I don't pay attention to non-verbal cues at all because I have to consciously think of it to interpret at least a little bit, which is often too overwhelming because speech is what I process first. However, I listen to the literal auditory message and if something does not make sense, I ask. Sometimes it all goes over my head and I just zone out (usually because people are not conveying the whole message through speech). Sometimes I half-process what the person says, but don't have time to clarify. I answer with any random association that comes up in my head; I say the first associated thing that comes to mind. That's how pretty much all of my conversations go.

I feel comfortable with phones as long as it is quiet around me, because I don't need non-verbal cues. Most people here dislike phones and have difficulty making phone calls, but I don't really have that much trouble with it. I just come up with a message in my head, call the person, say the message, and answer their questions about the topic if they have any.

This all logically ties in and I would think other people on the spectrum would have similar ways of communicating... what's your opinion on this? Can you relate at all?

Last edited by MathGirl on 03 Apr 2013, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I also like the phone.The only thing that bothers me about the phone is that it interrupts what I'm doing at the time if it's an unexpected phone call and I don't like that. Anyway I understand what you're saying....you don't have to worry about facial expression or body language on the phone-there's tone of voice but I'm better with that and it's only one non-verbal cue.

As to the other stuff......you know how I communicate. lol.

Lol, you're the first person to respond to this and you probably have the most similar communication style to mine! I decided to make this thread after I called someone and asked her if she thinks I'm autistic and she said "my first response would be no, because you can make phone calls and do all this (i.e. referring to my work with the organization, I think)". It's probably hardest to tell by phone with me because my inflection is well-rehearsed and I can say something that requires less thinking with a lot of expression.

I'm better with tone of voice, too, and Temple Grandin's the same way.

I think we do have a similar communication style.

Does anyone else have anything to say to this? I'm just curious how this way of communicating can be interpreted, whether you think it's a possible autistic communication style or whether you see it as something else entirely.

I dislike the phone only because I have difficulty hearing, even if I'm in a quiet environment--words still seem garbled. Not sure if it's me or the cell reception, though. Seriously, this even happens with landlines. I think that's a separate issue, however.

The majority of communicating for me (whenever possible) is text-based: e-mail, SMS, boards like this. Regarding what you described: most of the time, that works pretty well for me too IRL (with the other stuff, non-verbal cues don't come into play at all). I prefer to look right at a person to make sure I am hearing them correctly. Tone of voice and other stuff is secondary, if I pay attention to it at all.

Ever see THE INVENTION OF LYING? A world that was sort of like that would be ideal. Just be direct and honest so we can all get on with our lives (but I really don't want to hear that you just spent the last hour masturbating ). You know, a happy medium of sorts.

I think that the majority of people on the spectrum process conversations this way but aren't as self-aware of their processing experience to be able to describe it as precisely and succinctly as you do.

I've noticed through reading this forum and through meeting others on the spectrum that difficulty with reading/using non-verbal cues is rarely mentioned by people with ASD: it seems like in general that they don't even identify that it's an issue for them, even when I can plainly see that it's an issue for them as I can read body language well. Instead, they will say things like "I can't seem to make friends" or "People keep saying I'm being rude, but I don't know why". It seems like NTs are able to process social information using multiple "channels" (verbal and nonverbal) and because of your (and other's) difficulties with processing multiple social channels, a lot of information gets missed. I am not surprised that you are very comfortable on the phone since it only seems to use one social channel (verbal language).

I'm a bit of an anomaly in that I don't have much trouble processing non-verbal cues. I came to this realization very recently that this was something I had learned earlier on and thus have not thought about it as much as other people on the spectrum might have when trying to figure out their specific difficulties. I used to have major sensory processing issues, and these gradually faded away for some reason (I still have no idea why): they stopped altogether when I was 19 and put on meds for the first time. I think I began to notice non-verbal cues as these sensory issues started fading (around grade 4), as I remember beginning to notice other's reactions to me around that time...but never before then.

This is actually a huge detriment to me because as someone who is supposed to be helping other people on the spectrum, I myself have failed to acknowledge that most people on it have difficulty with nonverbal processing because I barely remember it being an issue for me...but now, I realize that this is a very real issue for most people. I was talking with V. the other night (she wants to work on her social skills and has asked for my help). I told her that there have been countless times when I'll be with her at an event where there is people she knows...and she'll approach a person/group of people and start to talk with them but I can clearly see that they either aren't welcoming her or they aren't interested in what she is talking about or that they want her to leave. I asked her if she was noticing when they do this and she told me "maybe I would if I knew about body language". It was then when I realized that it's something she has difficulty with. Another girl I am mentoring is the same way but she has much more difficulty: she will want to talk with me or someone else and not run out of things to say...and not recognize when people are bored, annoyed or if they are busy or need to leave, whereas V. runs out of things to say or gets distracted and then leaves.

I have a theory that each person on the spectrum has different levels of "cloudiness" in their social processing and they differ in their ability to process the "wholes" of their experiences. It's why I am able to process a lot of social information, but others on the spectrum may not, and why I find that they often greatly differ in their levels of processing pragmatic information. I think that, personally, you have a lot of difficulty with processing "wholes" and thus with understanding pragmatics, but you are at a great advantage as you recognize how you process information, are able to explain it well and thus are able to inform others about it. I don't know anyone else who is able to do this.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

I can relate to that quite a bit.

Especially the lip reading.. as my best friend of ~15 years is deaf so I've done a lot of lip reading in our conversations over the years, then in some of my jobs as well due to noise, and so lip reading during conversations became the norm for me. I never realized I avoided eye contact with people as I merely thought I'd picked up a habit of reading lips from communicating with my deaf friend(s).

And I can relate to the rest, too, as I think I've done all of those things at different times.

What the OP says makes sense and I can relate.

I can only focus on one aspect of communication at a time and naturally it is always the content of the other person's speech. I actually don't like the phone because the quality of the sound is usually not the best and it makes it harder for me to understand what the other person is saying, which makes me rather anxious.

Yep, I tend to focus on peoples mouths when they talk to kind of lip read them if there's background noise. Also my comprehension level goes down when there's background noise. Sometimes depending on the background noise and what the person is talking about, it gets to the point where I have to fake understanding what they're saying.

@anneurysm: Thanks so much for responding! You always have great insight. I actually think that the only reason why I am so good at explaining my own experiences and applying this knowledge to situations is because I have read a great deal of ASD literature, along with people’s writings online, and have also interacted with people who have a lot of insight into these things. After carefully thinking through it, I have been able to put everything together into a coherent, logically sound whole that I could then apply to others on the spectrum who I interact with, as well as myself. I can now evaluate each of my behaviours or other people’s behaviours and fit them into this model, which allows for possibilities as well. I have, albeit unconsciously, constructed a similar model of NTs. A lot of things overlap between the NT and ASD model, yet some things are different. Much of the NT model is very theoretical and not instinctual to me, as I’ve never experienced those states of mind, so I often can’t actually display practical knowledge of this model. However, what I can do is to bring to mind the commonalities between the NT and ASD constructions, commonalities that are more instinctual to me, and behave only in ways that are concordant to these commonalities or intersections. This way, I can ensure that the communication is optimal between the NT party and me.
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This bit is addressed to other people who have responded, as well as to anneurysm. The thing about the phones bothers me because it does not fit the other parts of the ASD picture, the way I have conceptualized it. I also have trouble hearing on the phone sometimes, but I realize that I could always explain to the person on the other end that it is difficult to hear him/her and that I might have to ask the person to repeat what he/she was saying. When I talk to somebody on the phone, I usually have email as backup, so if there is anything that needs to be clarified/followed up, that can subsequently be done through email. I still prefer the phone, though, because there is way more reciprocity via phone than via email, as people often delay responding to emails. A delayed response makes the reaction less representative of the more visceral, immediate reaction that happens upon the initial reading of the email.
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To address the rest of what you said, anneurysm, I very much agree with your theory and it has been part of my autism conceptualization for a while. One of my primary goals lately has been to disseminate my awareness and understanding of this experience. While I cannot speak on behalf of each individual, I can at least learn about the person on the spectrum who has difficulty self-advocating and then propose what the explanation might be for his/her experiences and how to go about managing it. Your ability to read non-verbal cues also makes sense, as it explains why you often act and think in a way that I can't track down nor understand. I've noticed that it seems unnatural for you to think through a literal channel.
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I'm glad some of you could relate! I lately feel alone in my experiences, as I either meet people who are very confident but seem to have fewer symptoms than me and overall to a lesser degree, or those I feel have more similar experiences to mine but have a lot more trouble expressing themselves and navigating their environment.

P.S. in case you didn't see this:

I then found a blog by someone on the spectrum who says that he hasn't met a single person on the spectrum who enjoys using phones even a little bit.

P.P.S. I find it fascinating how few replies this thread has gotten, and most of the replies were from people who can relate. I'm just curious about those who can't relate, especially to the phone thing, and why. Maybe I haven't stated this clearly enough...

Yes, very much can relate to a lot of what you describe .

You are very talkative , your contributions are also relevant to the conversation , and your level of expression is increasing . Do you find your study of ASL a contributing factor to your rise in expressiveness ? And/or do you find it has helped with your non-verbal or emotive understanding of others expressions ?



This is a particular strength of yours , you do inquire , and your questions are particularily relevant and precise in aiding not only your own personal understanding but also in advancing the conversation constructively .

You do not let social conventions inhibit your investigative process . This i'm convinced is your ultimate super power . You're ability to discern sense from nonsense and view facts independently from imposed associations is awing .

( will post more randomly as things come to mind , am working atm )

In regards to why others are assuming that people on the spectrum are uncomfortable with phones...I think it may be because these people are assuming that most people on the spectrum are introverted/isolated and uncomfortable with all forms of social contact, including talking on the phone. It's a stereotype that I find that many people tend to hold, and to be honest, I used to hold this stereotype as well. This is, of course, untrue because there are extroverted spectrumites like yourself who actively seek social contact.

The woman you were talking to may have a very limited conception in her mind about the capabilities of people on the spectrum, or has only seen the behavior of those on the spectrum in limited contexts. In other words, she has either worked with those who are nonverbal or someone with AS who avoids social contact, so she could be surprised to see you breaking the views that she holds. It's possible that the person whose blog you have read could also hold the same misconceptions.

As for the lack of replies to this thread, again, it is likely because you described your experiences with this communication style in a very self-aware way. I've noticed on this forum that simple, direct and general questions seem to get the most responses...things like "are you comfortable using the phone? If so, how do you process it?". It's possible that the lack of self-awareness of others on this forum could be why others are not relating and responding to this question...in that the issue is likely one that many members here can relate to, but I agree in that the question itself can be rephrased in a more clear and direct way.

I'm glad that there is some support here for my theory, as the issue of social processing differences among people with ASD has been on my mind for quite some time. I think it's due to a longtime desire to at least conceptually understand and to be able to communicate better with those who process the world in different ways than I do. Posts like these are extremely valuable to me as I am continually reframing my concept of how you perceive information and perhaps how most people with pragmatic difficulties operate so that I'm able to communicate with them in more effective ways. This can be hard because I don't know which specific parts of a social experience I am processing well and which parts that the other person (with "cloudy" processing) does not. Like yourself, I am also creating a "model" of how many others on the spectrum communicate...which I know is a way that I'm often far removed from. I am now very curious to what parts of the NT model you are confused by, and what some of your theories are regarding this, as well as perhaps some examples of acting/thinking in ways you haven't been able to grasp...but maybe that's a whole other message or thread.

I am similar in some ways, but not in others.

I can relate to what you said about being unable to process speech and non-verbals simultaneously -- I can't do that either. If I'm trying to understand someone's words, there no "brain-capacity" left over to pay attention to their non-verbals...I just can't divide my attention well enough. That said, I can go back and forth between the two for periods of time.

Like you, I also have more difficulty processing speech in a noisy environment, because I can't focus on any one sound over the others. But unlike you, I can't lip read in such situations because I can't shut out the cacophony of noise -- I'm way too overloaded and my brain shuts down.

I'm the opposite of you in that I have always found it easier to learn and process non-verbal information than spoken language. This isn't to say that I don't have trouble with non-verbal information -- I do sometimes, but it's not as hard to figure out, keep track of or guess at (when compared to verbal information). I get through many conversations by just responding to people's non-verbals, using pattern-matching with language, delayed echolalia and mirroring, without every really understanding the meaning of the other person's words. It's just much more natural for me to pay attention to non-verbal information than to verbal information.... I can get lost in spoken words very quickly.

I suck at processing what people say. I prefer if someone just shows me what they want to tell me. Also leaves too much to be interpreted.