Answering too quickly=rude and argumentative?!?!?

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My mother asked a question of me yesterday and I answered it. She thought I was getting argumentative and snippy with her. I told her I truly wasn't, and wanted to know what I did to make her think that. She didn't answer, but her boyfriend said to me "You answered too quick." Really?! Has that been the problem all along? I answer questions quickly, and people take it as I'm angry or trying to start a fight? What am I supposed to be doing -- stroking my chin and drawing off a pipe thoughfully before I answer? Help!

What was the question? Context is key.

Mmmm, wait five seconds to answer?

I've had people respond to me like this before.

It reminds me of the adhd trait of impulsive speech, where we're not quick to speak but slow to stop. NT's think longer before responding to something as they don't impulsively say whatever comes to mind. It's also possibly a combination with the AS trait of internal thoughts being verbalized - not so much the talking to yourself type, but where your quick responses are due to whatever it is you're thinking coming right out your mouth almost simultaneously.

NT's perceive the quick speed of the response as you having taken offence to something they said and snapping a quick rude answer at them, or that you're intending to be offensive w/ your reply.

When I gave a quick thorough response to an old boss of mine he took offence to it - not because I'd said anything rude, but it was overwhelming for him to receive the full message in one quick blast vs. slow back and forth conversation and he took it as me being rude or something. It really confused me back then as to why he would take offence to just being given all of the pertinent information in one quick statement so he could make business decisions, but now I understand how that really bucks the social norm and why he wasn't very receptive to my communication style.

I do this a lot, especially at work, the words people use trigger an answer even though they have not finished the question yet. I try and repeat the answer slowly a second time so it doesn't as rude.

You will sound snappy, and maybe annoyed or angry. Quick and snappy, sounds overly assertive, and people will wonder whats making you annoyed. Is it them? Like you are implying the person is stupid, when you are simply answering straight and fast.

You could qualify with something just a wee bit gentler. Smile? Try and pause, especially for people you don't know so well. You might be really pleased with the results.

I think your close friends and family should get used to you, you shouldn't have think about this stuff with them. I take my closest male/veers towards AS friends, at face value. But its a lesson an NT (me) needs to learn - f**k they just mean what they said? Really? I have to translate often. He means what he said, there is not other meaning, no motivation, no loaded message, no reading between the lines.

But a stranger is always gonna get you wrong. And thats always a shame, cos with a tiny but of change they won/t.

Im an aspie I think its nt's who answer too quickly, and love to interrupt you incessantly.

My sister, and a guy coworker, are both convinced its more virtuous shoot off your mouth than to actually hear what the other person is actually saying.

If you're actually interrupting the other person, or even if you're not exactly interrupting them but answer without really hearing what the person is asking-then I dont blame them for being PO'd.

I really don't see what's wrong with that, honestly. Having to wait for someone to answer, unless it's actually a difficult question, would just make it seem like they weren't paying attention to me.

because you're one of us!

But perception is everything, and it's about how the vast majority in the NT world perceive people responding to a question in a split second. It doesn't matter that we have multiple logical rational explanations for it, including the simple fact that it's an AS trait beyond our control at times. The only thing that matters is how they perceive what we try to communicate. We don't have to understand why, we just need to know the social rules to try to abide by as best as possible so that we aren't mistaken as being rude.

I think sometimes some people answer very quickly to show their impatience and irritation. So if you answer quickly, it could be taken in that way, even if you have no such intention. It's not really your fault. Just to avoid that misunderstanding, maybe you could consciously pause a second or two before answering and speak slowly. Just my idea.

...but you imagine how laborious, unnatural and fake it would seem to an Aspie to have to drag out their reply and plaster a fake smile on to make it acceptable to NTs...

Something like this is what contributes to our social anxiety and makes us withdraw completely. It's illogical to play pretend when you are just doing one of the most basic human things, talking to another one. That we should spend all our social time worrying about whether NTs will be offended by us simply answering a question, that we should use even more cognitive resources trying to analyse the style of response.

Hello,
Yes, for me speed of reply, speed of speech and volume can all add up together and trigger a defensive response from people, even ones who know me well.

It doesn't really matter what you are actually saying, it's all in the "tone".

I feel I am often been pulled up by people and have to speak slower and calmer to avoid a confrontation.

This also includes my partner of ten years who gets very animated and speaks very quickly when she's excited, things between us can go bad rapidly if I'm not feeling great and we end up co-existing instead of living together.

Would = Is. I have to be very careful to phrase my answers at times, but honestly, if the Aspie is in a lower social status, in the long run, it might not matter. If the Aspie is in a higher (situational or general) social status...all of a sudden "effective" communication is in.

I'd like to see more research in how social status driven communication is. Good luck modeling that in a lab....

am sure there is lingistic studies in that on JSTOR or whtnot

I have found if a person's self-esteem is low or they feel they are in an inferior position, many things tick them off. They frequently perceive slights when they are not there. The term "you have to walk on eggshells" applies to being around them.

Its illogical to me not to be conscilliatory if what matters to you is the outcome = connections, love and warmth. Its laborious and hard and exhausting for me (as an NT) to be concillatory to my autistic friend but I'm motivated by the kick of success and aha moments. Getting thru to another human being who you think is awesome means you get really nice happy chemicals. My life makes more sense when I get close to people.

For some people, "pretending" and managing to improve relationships lessons social anxiety. In my experience (just mine) it is well worth the effort to get to understand how different people operate and learn ways of connecting and understanding, ways to "pretend". As an NT, in order to connect properly to an AS, I'm "pretending" too. Im using my free will to go against my basic biology and brain wiring (to stop and pause and not react emotionally). But its worth that effort a million times over - I get love andI also get to learn from a different way of thinking. Its two way.