anyone else feel bad after standing up for theirselves?

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I usually feel bad after standing up for myself. My dad and i usually go to costco on the weekends and talk to the [people giving out samples. He knows I have no social life and this gets me out of the house. It appeared I was making friends with quite a few of the people who give out samples..even got a few numbers...although peoples tone with me has changed and they are more distant(and one of the people who i am friendly with told me people are talking about my dad and me being freeloaders).

Anyway, the past few times we have gone there, this one woman ellie has been saying ''you again??'' Today she said it again and even added in ''you guys always come here and never buy anything''(we have bought stuff btw), and instead of ignoring her I said ''so what's it to you? I dont appreciate your snide remarks''. I was particularly mad because she said it in front of all of her friends. She said ''i was just joking''. I know she wasnt and my dad who is a great man and very NT agrees. Nevertheless I felt badly after standing up for myself and even tried to make small talk with her out of guilt..of course the b***h that she is ignored me..so my guilt left...although im sure if i stood up for myself about her ignoring me id feel bad for her again

I do. That's because I'm for some reason very afraid of people getting disappointed and/or angry with me.

Yes, I easily feel guilty when doing so. I guess, I just do not want to hurt someone's feelings, even if they do that too me. There were just a few exceptions in my life and they were people who betrayed me and (later) bullied me on a regular basis as they really gave me the impression they are not worth the feeling of guilt and/or the slightest form of respect...

I never feel bad about it. I never could figure out the rules for acceptable snubbing that most people are so good at. I say what's on my mind and it often causes problems for me but that's the only thing I know. One of the things that just does not compute for me is someone putting you down and trying to embarrass you (basically causing you emotional distress), like in your Costco situation, being socially acceptable, but if I turn around and say "f**k you c**t" all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. It's like people DOING bad things to you is ok but SAYING bad things isn't. It seems to me that actions can cause actual harm but words can't. Why are bad words worse than bad actions? Makes no sense to me.

Robert Greene's 50th Law of Power (feel free to skip over the more cultural reference parts) discusses this. Greene's arguement is that we are socially condictioned to feel bad about offending other people since we feel they have power over our lives. While he does'nt take this arguement much further in that book, he does argue that you should never feel bad for protecting your interests, since everyone else is doing the same thing.

Here, you have the example that the "sample people" at costco are angry at you. I would expect that they would be angry, since you never buy anything and take their free samples. She's not even standing up for her own interests, she's making a rather insulting stand for her low paying employer. In a perfect world, her loyalty might be commendable, but the reality is that she's in a low status position and she feels that she can strike at someone of lesser percieved status.

Costco puts those samples out, and you take them. You're not breaking the law, you state that you do shop at Costco, and I don't think you should be the least bit upset about it.

Actually now that I think about it I did feel sorry for people on rare occasions but not often. One time really stands out for me. mind you this happened ~22 years ago. I was at a all night restaurant with another guy and it was probably around midnight at the time. When we went outside this group of 5 guys just started to mess with us. They were obviously just looking for a fight and 2 vs 5 seemed like pretty good odds. Anyway one of them punched me in the cheek so I hit him back then moved up the street to separate them. Lawrence, the guy I was with, grabbed an onlookers skateboard and ended up with 3 of the guys and I was just up the street with 2 of them. I kicked one of them in the chest and threw the other one down and was on top of him. The guy I had pinned bit my finger and I still have a scar from it. I grabbed his head on the sides and slammed the back of his head into the pavement and started pushing his eyes into his skull with my thumbs. He started screaming and for some reason I just felt sorry for him so I stopped pushing his eyes with my thumbs and let him up. Lawrence had knocked the s**t out of a couple of them with the skate board and none of them had any fight left in them. Shortly after we drove off and were almost immediately pulled over by the police. They asked if we knew anything about fighting in the street (this whole thing took place smack dab in the middle of main street). I told them 5 guys jumped us and they just said have a nice night and let us go. I don't know why I felt sorry for that guy, he deserved what he got but for some reason I did.

Yup, I do feel bad in these situation. I don't really like defending myself, but I do it when I should. Most of the times I feel a bit bad about it afterwards, but I know I had the right to say something.

I think it's something that you get more and more used to as you do it. And I also think it helps build confidence. So I try to defend myself whenever I need to, quite sure it has helped my build my confidence the last few years.

That happens to me A LOT. That is why I am VERY VERY non-confrontational. People can make me feel so damn bad that I don't want to confront so they don't confront me and make me feel bad, mad, etc. It is very frustrating.

Never feel bad about standing up for yourself, if you show people you'll defend yourself (verbally), they will think twice before acting like a total a** to you.

That's how they switch it over on you. They act rude towards you, then act all innocent when you tell them what you think of their remark, thus putting negative attention on you, and getting positive attention on themselves because "You were a dick" to them. Not saying that is what she did, but I see this sort of thing all the time.

I don't handle confrontation and conflict well. Then I second guess myself and replay it continually.

Logicalmom, do you also ask yourself these questions:
"What if I would have acted differently?"
"What if I would have just avoided this place?"
"What if I hurt someone's feelings?"
I often do so when thinking of an event where I acted that way.

Absolutely, Sylvastor, as well as:

What will happen 'if and when' I have to face that person again? (I will do my best to avoid this possibility).
Was I in the right? Did I say the right thing?
Will anyone who was watching recognize me and what do/will they think? And I am worried about what they think because I am not sure if I was in the right or if I came across incoherently while I was speaking - I am analytical and indecisive, so when I do speak I will analyze it to pieces. I wonder why I chose that incident or moment to speak up. Sometimes I don't make a lot of sense and I will think I am speaking in a calm manner but the other person is going "Okay, okay, calm down."
Have I started something and now am I going to have to worry about "more" conflict?
Did I make sense?
How do I behave now, if I see them - should I smile and try to be nice, do I ignore them, what do I do?
And then I am angry for being put in that position to begin with - why do people have to be nasty?

I "act" out the event, replaying the scenario. I talk out bits of the conversation. My vision is affected when I am upset, and it is not great at the best of times in a busy place like a Costco, so I am never sure about people's faces and reactions while I am speaking. I get disoriented, and I try to put it together later. I really don't like it. I am not a young woman and I don't have the hang of this, which makes me even more self-conscious because I feel the expectations that "I should" as a mature woman. I feel like a kid.

I think you typed down nearly all the questions that I have.
It is always interesting to read how similar yet different people on the spectrum are.