do neurotypicals pull this manipulative bs in dating?

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I remember something in a world mythology class im still taking, the teacher talked about some manipulative s**t she pulled. For example, the whole "play hard to get" s**t, getting money from people, etc. "Forcing guys to talk to the females first, instead of taking the advantage or being friendly. The whole bs "let them call you, not the other way around". Now ignoring the whole idea of you not knowing whether someone is interested in you due to that (both ways), what about people who are too shy? Are you going to pull some subcouncious signalling BS? WTF? Interesting as a guy I remember over a summer thing (cutco-selling knives door-to-door; I failed at it) mentioned something similar; that you don't ask the girl 'yes or no' but 'go to x or y' to change their thought pattern; or more accurately how easy it is for her to resist or the like. Basically phrasing the debate. Do people really do that (jokes about neurotypical women aside; which based off some sites are based off truth..)

What do you think?

Last edited by Warsie on 16 Feb 2009, 12:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

all my husbands and other companions and everyone I dated before and in between have been NT, so I suppose I know a few things about their habits.

yeah, they do. No kidding. When they said "Alls fair in Love and War" they really mean that.

Merle

...

.... yes?

I think someone needs to read The Game...

ive heard of that and other stuff from PUAs. I was wondering about the women doing this. Discussing this on the internet is one thing, but hearing people discuss it IRL..

also speaking of the game

Yes, they really do.

damnit, i lost

That's kind of cheating...I thought you were only supposed to tell people the rules of The Game if they asked about it.

I play dirty.

my FEW dates always ended boringly "ok bye cya!" because i did what everyone told me to do "just be yourself"

OKAY, me myself is a moron sitting there ranting on about dinosaurs and politics.

"where did i go wrong??"

Honestly, it all depends on the person. Some single girls I know "NT's" are constantly analyzing if the guy is playing a game and then they start playing the game because they think the guy is - it's a stupid vicious cycle. Girls think that they have to play hard to get because they don't want to seem "too easy". Guys wait a few days before they call a girl. This is a generalization but it can become a stupid common conversation among people when they have a date and then the guy waits to call them. Why do they wait? I believe it's part of the game.

The older a person is, i have found the less they do that. People need to be upfront and honest - perhaps blunt. If they don't like the person and don't want a relationship, just communicate that instead of playing a game. A lot of NT's don't know how to be blunt either. That is another problem. I think game playing is perhaps easier than simple blunt and honest communication.

I am NT and was drawn to my husband because he did talk a lot about astronomy and politics. I love those deeper discussions. That is why I married the guy!! I am also not into game playing.

ZEGH - you are not a moron talking about those things. If she doesn't like it, she is not the one. You wouldn't want to date someone you can't talk to about your interests. Please don't try to be someone you are not.

I have had many dates end just like that. They were boring to me because they didn't seem to have any passionate interests. Now that is boring.

Just make sure while you are talking about those things, that you have certain questions planned for the other person regarding those issues to see where they stand or what they believe. That is what I have encouraged my husband to do before social events. He does it now and it has helped.

I don't post on here regularly anymore, but Natesmom, your post really spoke to me.

I had an issue with someone regarding this about a year ago.

(keep in mind that this woman is an Aspie)

She insisted on someone who could communicate directly, which I tried very hard to do. Yet at times, I would wait 2 weeks to over a month to get a reply to an e-mail I sent her. She told me my personality wasn't good enough. Specifically, she wanted someone who could direct and support himself, which I had been doing from day 1. She said things in a very confusing way, for reasons I wouldn't know.

I tried to keep a friendship going with her, and she agreed to it. But she went from being open and friendly and saying whole paragraphs about how she was doing, to being secretive and antisocial, and maybe getting something like "just life as usual", if anything at all. And there was no reason behind it.

hehehhh

Anyway, your teacher.... How long has she been single? Divorced by chance? A little bit of play and flirt might not hurt, but do the whole date thing that way? no... .. . . .

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 16 Feb 2009, 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have trouble understanding some of what you said.
Yeah love has to be kinda subtle and there are inherent gender roles. Depresses me too, but sometimes these factors are less than usual, and all you can do is try to learn.

that picture reminds me of the time, i was at an anime con in a theatre and a girl dressed as naruto ran in and yelled "attention everyone you just lost the game!". she yelled that just to be funny.

as for that manipulative stuff in dating i don't get it.
if i was interested in a guy i would do my best to talk to him first (but that would be hard since i am quite shy)

Yes. They do. Which is one of the many reasons dating, to me, is NOT FUN at ALL.

As much trouble as I've ever had figuring out ANYONE's intentions, and as much trouble I've ever had figuring out if someone 'liked' me to begin with, trying to read someone you're dating is virtually impossible, by my standards. It seems people (and by people, I mean NT's) get scared when they begin liking you too much, and start playing this retreating game. One day they're very obviously interested, and the next....well, I've had people stop calling me for days, get way less affectionate, and even start getting too friendly with other women. And of course, at that point, I cut them off. At first, I'd cut them off cos I figured I'd done something wrong to push them away (since I apparently do this a lot), but even after I learned that some of these individuals were still very interested, and this is just the nature of 'the game', I KEPT cutting them off for such behaviour, because I can't stand mind games. I'm very straightforward, and if someone I'm interested in ISN'T, I lose interest really fast.

Aspies do these things, too, but I think when we do, it's for different reasons. Back when I was way less socially adept, I was known for running away from people I was too interested in before they had any clue I even liked them. Don't know what I was so scared of, but I was, and while part of me wanted to be with them in a BIG way, another part didn't ever want to see them again. The few Aspies I've dated have been the same, especially the one I'm with now....who despite the fact, or perhaps BECAUSE we were friends before, was beyond terrified to make a move at first, and dragged out over a few months what could easily have been done in a day. Maybe someone else could have seen why he was acting as he was, but on this one I was completely mystified, and actually assumed he was just massively stressed out over something else that was going on, and was acting weird as a result.

The way I handle things these days is apparently extremely off-putting to NT's, and scary to a lot of Aspies....because I can't flirt, I just say it outright....for instance, when I realised what my current boyfriend was on about, I told him, 'if I'd known, I would've just thrown you down and started making out with you on the spot'....the very IDEA of which sent him into a panic attack!


In the same vein (and to end this mini-novel I'm writing), to the person who puts people off talking about his dino and political fixations.....don't play it down. People aren't honest in dating, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be. You are who you are, and they need to know it. If they don't like your interests, you're not meant to be a couple, and better they should find out sooner than later. It's not you, and it's not them....you just don't click, and you probably wouldn't even if you didn't have Aspergers. They just wouldn't realise right away.