Friend with undiagnosed asperger's - how to help?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone,

If you suspected that a friend of yours might be on the spectrum, what would you do?

More specifically, if neither your friend nor his parents ever suspected that he might be on the spectrum, but his behavior was starting to border on self-sabotage, what would you do to help, if anything?

Back story: Last year, I worked as a foreign language assistant at a high school in the US (will provide proof to moderators if requested; keeping this post general to protect the identity of the people involved). In one of my classes, there was a boy that I'll call Severus. Here are some of the things I observed about him:
- difficulty with eye contact, hardly ever speaks, hardly ever responds to questions
- no initiating of social interactions, next to no social reciprocity
- encyclopedic knowledge of favorite topics (history, animals)
- amazing reasoning abilities (but so detached from emotional issues that he is perceived as cold/cruel by classmates)
- importance of routine and patterns (takes a long time to get used to new situations, wears same exact jacket every day, not aware of clothes being compromised by dirt, wear and tear etc.)
- impressive verbal abilities (conversant in two foreign languages due to his extremely logical mind; on the other hand, he's unable and unwilling to discuss emotions because he says he does not understand/disagrees with his peers' understanding of emotional situations; for creative writing assignments, he ALWAYS uses animals as the characters) -- I could go on for another page or two...

Severus' parents don't understand his behavior, but at the same time, to my knowledge, they've never considered that he might be on the spectrum (all family members hold degrees in STEM subjects - the entire family is slightly withdrawn/shy/aloof/extremely nerdy, in the best possible way). I didn't think it would be necessary to bring up the subject at all since things were looking up at the end of last year.
However, I've been gone for eight months now and I know that Severus, now a sophomore, has been boycotting his English class and generally not turning in assignments. He also sleeps a lot (I know that's typical of most teenagers; however, he just spends most of his days in a somewhat vegetative state - it's one of the things making me fear he might be depressed). Also, Severus used to send me 2-3 e-mails per week (discussing politics, history, animals), but those e-mails stopped completely a few weeks ago.

Please tell me what you'd do. Would you bring up the possibility that he might be on the spectrum to his parents? I don't want to ruin my relationship with them, but most importantly, I don't want to ruin my relationship with Severus. He's like family to me and I would do anything to protect him, which is tremendously difficult from the other side of the world. I need to know whether informing his parents of that possibility would cause him more harm than good.

I'm worried they might think I'm trying to pathologize their child (not true, it doesn't matter what label they stick on him, he's still the same Severus), and I'm worried that he might think that I'm betraying him by sending unwanted attention his way, or that he might think I'm judging the way he thinks.

So - what do I do? And if I tell his family, how should I go about it?

Thank you for your time.

P.S.: Last year, I asked several teachers whether Severus was known to be on the spectrum, but while some of them said that it would explain some things, all of them told me that they had no such information in their records and I don't believe that anybody followed up on it.

why tell his parents?

Have you asked your friend why he has stopped emailing you? Maybe there is a reason that has nothing to do with whether or not he has autism?

I'd tell him when the time is right. And his parents. It may piss someone off, but it's better knowing. Only you'll know when/how is appropriate or necessary to say it.

Why tell his parents? My reasoning is that since he is a minor, he would have to go through his parents to get the help he might need. Another reason is that I know his family well and they are very supportive of him in general. Since I know how much they worry, I also think it would be cruel not to give them that information. Thirdly, I am uncertain as to how their son would handle it (in my experience, knowing that you are not the only person in the world who thinks/acts a certain way has always been helpful, but I wouldn't want to claim to know if that's how Severus feels).

Yes, I have asked him why he hasn't responded in such a long time, but it hasn't led anywhere. I saw him and his cat briefly on Skype last week, though, which meant that he had to get up much earlier than usual, so it seems unlikely that he's stopped e-mailing because of something I did. That's why I'm currently thinking it might have something to do with his worsening situation in general (maybe, with everything else that's going on, he simply doesn't have the energy for friendly interaction anymore).

First its impossible to diagnose him like this.
A psychologist who would know his background (how he grew up, any family history, etc) would be extremely helpful to rule out other causes.
Family history is very important, we don't know what goes on in his home life.
You both are on 2 different sides of the world? Maybe cultures differences?
I would never his parents, that's just snitching and they likely would look at you as trouble.

If you think your friend is comfortable enough with you, then bring it up to him yourself. There is no need to get his parents involved, that could be devasting, i have what culture they are not all cultures are accepting.

If he is on the other side of the world, can you watch live through a computer screen to see him in a vegetative state? I'm confused on that

- I know it's impossible to diagnose him like this and that I'm in no way qualified to do so. However, I've spent a lot of time around people from the autism spectrum and I'm simply recognizing certain behavior and thought patterns that strongly remind me of former students and family friends who were diagnosed, and the clues are just adding up. My question was whether to tell his family about the existence of asperger's so they can decide whether to do testing.

- Thank you for your opinion, though, Chloe33, the reason why I haven't said anything so far is exactly what you said: I don't want to seem like I'm "tattling" on him.

- Although I live on the other side of the world now, I used to have plenty of time to observe my friend's behavior and surroundings because I spent a lot of my free time with that family.

- Cultural differences -- well, in the US, where he lives, there is a lot more autism advocacy/awareness than where I live; also, I know a couple of other kids on the spectrum that go to his school and they mostly get to take regular classes. That is also not the case where I'm from. The family itself doesn't have any kind of cultural background that would prevent them from being understanding.

It might be beneficial to bring it up in sort of a sidelong fashion, as in, "Speaking of [insert present topic of conversation here], I know this kid/have a friend with autism (even if you don't) and I was thinking about how similar he and Severus are [insert list of symptoms]..." and then leave the response up to them.

That sounds reasonable. Right now, I've heard from his parents that the guidance counselor has been informed and that there will be some sort of testing. So maybe I won't need to bring it up after all because the school is taking care of it. But if not, I think I'll do exactly as you say.

Thank you for your reply. The reason i ask about cultural differences was to make sure that he wasn't from a country such as South Korea for example, where a child making eye contact with an adult would be considering not good. Or from a culture where the norm would be to be introverted.

From what you describe, it does sound like he might have Aspergers or is dealing with something.
He sounds extremely gifted, as does him family if they are all STEM subject degree holders.

I my opinion, i would talk to him personally about Aspergers. You obviously value respect him, so the best would be to directly talk to Severus himself about Aspergers.
You can always have a general conversation about ASD in general and see where it goes from there.

I really believe that to approach the parents would be the wrong thing, as that may end up hurting Severus since he may wonder why you did not just address it with him first.

Well, thank you for YOUR reply! I really appreciate your help and insight.
I understand the cultural concern you brought up, but that really shouldn't be an issue at all in his case. I've spent a lot of time with his family and met his extended family (grandparents, aunt/uncle, cousins).
He is extremely intelligent indeed. One of the reasons why I think he hasn't been tested before is that he's been able to compensate for his mental state with his intelligence, another is that he's extremely quiet (one of my relatives with Asperger's would scream uncontrollably and throw himself on the ground when he was upset, so people HAD to notice, but Severus just stays silent.)
The reason why I haven't brought it up with HIM is that we talk about a lot of things (we debate history a lot, and he explains scientific phenomena to me), but he seems very uncomfortable whenever anything emotion-related comes up. So I'm afraid that whatever I can do to bring this up might worsen the situation. Do you have any idea as to how I might be able to avoid that problem? In a few months, he'll be staying with me for a while to explore my country (he speaks the language fluently... when he speaks). I was thinking about strategically placing some reading material on the subject in his room.

Okay i changed my opinion putting this together.
It seems like little Severus really just wants to be left alone and doesn't want your constant affections/attention.
You seem so concerned about ruining your relationship with Severus yet it seems that Severus is trying to distance himself for a reason.
You are an adult. He likely doesn't want to continue in a relationship with an adult across the world who was his former teacher.
You worked over in the USA last year, why did you leave work?

You seem to have an extreme attachment bordering on obsession to this student for some reason. Its possible Severus is freaked out thinking you might be a pervert.

Also i question are you remote viewing as you stated you haven't gotten emails back from him, however you skyed and saw him and the cat, yet it seems despite that no conversation took place between you two. You know that he got up earlier than usual and were able to view him and the cat yet no discussion? Did he not realize his camera was on? Remote viewing

Honestly i would just forget about Severus and move on. Like you mentioned, all of his family is that way, they are all successful and hold STEM degrees, i don't think that Severus is any different. It seems like he wants distance from you and is wigged out by your intrusive nature regarding him. My Cop meter is going off on this one

My strategy would be to just mention AS to them without bringing up Severus. Are you in email contact with his family? Maybe you could email them an article about AS just as an 'interesting article' without mentioning your thoughts about their son.

Hey, maybe one of them will see themselves in it!

Re: "Why did I leave work?"
Because I only had a contract for one year. That's how these programs work. You go abroad for a year, then you return to university in your home country. No exceptions (unless you feel like paying a four-figure fee and then get kicked out of the country anyways). As a foreign language assistant, you're not really a teacher, which is also why I spent a lot of time with several families in the school community, particularly the family of Severus because we had many shared interests.

Re: Skype
Yes, there was some communication. He definitely knew the camera was on, and he chose to come there (I was talking to HIS FAMILY and THEY told him that I was online, and against everyone's expectations, including mine, he decided to get up for a few minutes to say hello). Why did I know he got up earlier than usual? Because I talk to his parents about three times a week for extended periods of time, and because I spent some time at their vacation home, so I know their general schedule.
Also, what in the world is remote viewing?

Re: The whole family
Yes, they're all like that, but Severus sticks out even by their standards, and they've frequently expressed frustration and helplessness about the fact that they don't seem to be able to figure out what's going on.

I can sort of understand why what I might have written in the background information sounds somewhat off-putting in connection with the label "former student", but at this point, I'm more of a family friend (which might explain why I'm thinking about talking to the parents).
If you go back to my original post, certainly you'll see that my problem isn't the fact that Severus has stopped e-mailing me, but the fact that, over the period of the past eight months, the situation for the entire family has continually gotten worse and it's putting a strain on everyone, which is why I wanted to know if bringing up the idea that there might be something more behind it than typical teenage behavior might be helpful to any or all of them.
I appreciate your concern for the people involved, but please don't jump to conclusions so quickly. I am seriously just trying to help and I'm trying to avoid stepping over important boundaries, definitely not the opposite. The only way in which I am "obsessed" is that I need to know whether I have done everything possible that I can to make the situation better for these people, who have been incredibly generous to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Edit: Also, @Ettina: thank you! That's another thing I've been considering.