NT/Aspie dynamics

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Hi, I'm new here. My wife has Asperger's+ADD.

We used to think that certain symptoms were just ADD, but now we realize she has Asperger's and it's playing a bigger role than we thought.

We've kind of got a system for the ADD, but what I can expect from her Aspie side?
How do I deal with it in a way that doesn't exhaust either of us?

The main issue we've identified is her difficulty intellectually and emotionally comprehending certain experiences, leading to really painful communication for both of us, and then me feeling depressed. I try to explain something sometimes, and she doesn't get it. So I try another way, even drawing pictures. Then I start feeling like I'm a teacher or babysitter and that kills all the romance for me and then I'm just drained. Surely there must be another way. Or maybe the gap is too wide, I don't know.

I'm educating myself about Asperger's, but text books don't cut to the real thing. I want to hear real stories from real people, NT's and Aspies.

Aspies-what is it like living with Asperger's? I
How does your spouse/gf/bf support you?
How do you also support them? Do you support them?

NTs-how do you make your relationships with an Aspie work well?
What works? What doesn't?

Help. Thanks.

[/quote] NTs-how do you make your relationships with an Aspie work well?
What works? What doesn't?

Help. Thanks.[/quote]

Hard question. I am NT and it didn't work with my specific individual, but maybe if I didn't have expectations of reciprocity, accepted the cruel things he said about me (but that wasn't the AS, i was cause he was an ASS and I am sensitive) and really discussed things without emotion that may have helped. Cognitive empathy is one thing, but actual mindsight is very important need of NT's so I would say get therapy to deal with the stress and loneliness that can occur, also have a good circle of friends and family that can provide you with the mindsight and empathy without having to explain it or ask for it, that way your "cup" is full when you give to your wife without having an unreasonable need on her...you can focus on the traits that brought you together in the first place. Get support so that you can support her. Also, know she does not mean to hurt you or misunderstand, it is her biology. Welcome!

Having Aspergers for me isn't difficult at all, but apparently it's difficult for my family to watch. They think it's so horrible that I'm constantly teaching myself new things, exploring possibilites and learning through trial and error with my special interest. They would rather have me doing something else that I don't enjoy so that I can appear more normal, social, and "happy" which to me just seems like "Try to act normal, don't make us look bad!". They spend all their energy trying to convince me to do things 500% out of my comfort zone that I have no care in the world to do. They resent me because I'm different.

Sometimes I try to see things from their point of view (which is pretty hard). I try and see myself as they would, they think I'm just a shell of a man, never living, doing the same things day by day going through the motions, never truly "loving anything or being passionate about anything besides my special interest". They don't understand how happy I am and that I don't need their "help" on conforming to what everyone else wants me to be.

Nobody supports me, I'm usually the emotional rock or supportive one.

Yes, I'm very supportive in every way I can be for my loved ones.

creampuff-your expectations are not unreasonable! My wife has been a bit cruel at times and that's due to anger issues (ADHD related). It's under control now with medication and therapy. I don't think I can live happily in a relationship without mindsight practice or a certain degree of empathy/acknowledgement of my feelings. We're both getting professional support. I've definitely hit a crossroads though. I have a full life with friends, hobbies etc. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but that doesn't mean that what she does, doesn't hurt. And I do think I need reciprocity to be happy, or else my desire to give also wanes (I think that's natural, unless I want to take on a different role with her like a parent - not!) What were the main AS symptoms you had to deal with in your ex?

Tsproggy-thanks for your feedback. I'm happy to hear that you are able to accept and be happy with yourself and with AS. I think it's wonderful that you can enjoy your life and your interests. If your family tries to change you to the status quo because they are worried about their image, that's their problem. No need to make it yours! Keep on keepin' on then.

If anyone else has advice, its most appreciated!