Have You Always Been All Alone?

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I think I'm asking this to confirm that I'm not alone in being all alone.

Even though I was diagnosed at a young age and put into special schools for kids like me, no one ever took me aside and told me pointblank in these exact words, "you are autistic" much less explain what that was and what it would mean to me during my lifetime. I just knew I had behavior problems, not otherwise specified. I think in general, no one wanted to use the "A" word in those days.

I don't remember thinking anything about being all alone until I was starting adolescence. I remember there was some kind of 30 second commercial, like one of those public service bits. I don't know what it was for, but it depicted a woman who was all alone. I remember it showed her getting a movie ticket and in a shy embarrassed way saying, "one please". Then it showed her in bed with one hand splayed out on the pillow next to her, while she traced the fingers with her other hand... I guess imagining/pretending it was her significant other.

I got two distinct messages from that thing.
1: I was going to be all alone just like her my entire adult life.
2: That was not supposed to be a good thing whatsoever.

It wasn't until I was in my late 30's that I really started to be really bothered by and question my being totally alone.
And by that time I wasn't taking my childhood experiences with clinics and special schools into consideration. Everyone else has someone, why don't I? I don't think I was really longing for a companion, I just was bothered by the fact that "everyone" had someone except for me.

Finally autism was brought to my attention in a way that I could relate to, I got my pediatric and school records from my mom the aspie packrat, and did one of those head slap things. Duh. I guess that's what happens when you put your past too far behind you.

But I digress. Have you to experienced being completely totally alone, your entire life, outside of family, co-workers and acquaintances (if any)?

Last edited by briankelley on 31 Mar 2013, 8:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

We are all ultimately alone.

Awwww, that's horrible! I'm sorry to hear it. If you count spending more than a few weeks inside in your room, only leaving for school, food, bathroom alone, then I FIT this.

Nah, not really. I've always been a fairly happy camper in my solitude. Theses days I cherish it. It's only the outside world and them that's ever been a problem.

I've only got the friend I live with, a friend who I email daily, an ex work colleague I communicate with every so many months via text who visits every so often and an aunt who lives round the corner in my life. My Father has Alzheimer's and lives in a care home and I have to oversee his care but don't feel we have much of a relationship any more as he can't remember who I am any more plus I don't like him as he's been a bully to me and I still feel the same vibes coming off him.

I don't have 'acquaintances' as people don't generally see me as someone they want to get to know

My face doesn't fit with most people so unless I've got to know a person well I am very vulnerable to being alone if I lose contact with the few people I do know

Most people - ASD or not, seem to be able to go out and about and make natural connections with people they come into contact with going about their daily life eg neighbours and work colleagues; they take it for granted that it will happen in fact. I am not usually able to do this as people just don't take to me; I'm not average, outgoing or attractive enough. Whereas the average person would get a smile of recognition and possibly some small talk I would get the person pretending they hadn't seen me in an 'Oh it's her' kind of a way. This does not encourage me to bother with other people myself.

What it does demonstrate clearly though is that most social connections are made on very shallow criteria.

Last edited by nessa238 on 31 Mar 2013, 8:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

Where's the "forever alone" meme when you need it?

Is that true? Wow, I'm even worse than I thought. I have never got to know any neighbours, in fact where we live now they give me looks and are not nice. Mind you they do un-neighbourly things anyway, and I am such a private person I don't want to have to know people just because they happen to live next to me.

I don't go out making connections with anyone. My husband told the clinician who diagnosed me, that if people are rude to me I am rude back. I found this odd, that he stated it as if I shouldn't be, that it's not the done thing. Why shouldn't people stand up for themselves if people are rude, and that is something that I would imagine everyone believes irrespective of ASDs.

Although my last employment was over 8 years ago, my employment history has only ever brought me one invitation to something outside of work - which I believe was to make up numbers for an activity (horse riding), and I was sent on an in-house assertiveness course, because of my bluntness and faux pas they thought would score as aggressive (more fool them because I came out passive lol) and frequently saw colleagues looking down when I said anything.

I never initiate conversation with people I come into contact with and if they initiate it, it's very forced for me and I want it to end as quickly as possible. I have forced myself into situations I hated for the sake of my children to have socialising opportunities, and it has been mentally the most exhausting thing.

I have never taken anything for granted because of my personal experiences. I thought most Aspies had similar experiences with socialising, if not, I'm amazed it took so long for me to get diagnosed.

Probably I have, and I have a feeling that it will stay that way for my entire life. It does feel horrible. I have never felt I was part of a group or anything. Somehow others are connected but not I. I have always had a few people with whom I occasionally go out. However, even with them, I don't feel real connection. I know they are sensing my oddity. That oddity will always be a barrier that prevents me from connecting with the outside world. My parents and siblings are all I have, but they will not be there forever.

So, you are not alone in that.

I'm just going by the type of things people say on WP really.

I've had mixed experiences with neighbours. On the one side they've given me lifts in their car in the past but also would act as if they hadn't seen me sometimes when I looked over to say hello and this drove me mad! It came to a head when I had a go at the man for putting 'love' in the Christmas card they sent me. I took it round and asked why they'd put love as they didn't even like or respect me and said i had Asperger's Syndrome etc etc - a general rant. His wife brought round some eggs from their chicken as a 'peace offering' some days later. We now exchange hellos in passing and she once invited me in for a drink when I took their Christmas card round but it's very forced and she made this comment about people who were neighbours not being friends as if she thought I needed to know it! FFS I didn't want to be her friend! - they were so ignorant they couldn't even return a basic greeting half the time! And when I mentioned I'd set up an Autism Support group her face dropped and she immediately changed the subject like it was completely off limits! Is saying hello every time you see someone an indication you've moved on from neighbours to friends or something?! I always thought saying hello was just basic manners!

The neighbours on other side are more working class and the man has a glare that would wither at 50 paces. We exchanged jsut hello occasionally with them with an undercurrent of 'you are weird please keep away from me' coming through off them both. Then I had a go at him for something that got to me (which would seem inconsequential but got to me at the time) and he told me there was no need to swear and then to shut up. We've taken mail in for each other since then and I signed a petition that was brought round by another neighbour I didn't know and his wife and she was friendly then.
So it's like I'm never taken seriously by people, just tolerated and I occasionally tip over into rage about it all.

The not being rude back to people who are rude to you is something I struggle with a lot myself. You're expected to just ignore it or be excessively polite back in return to show you aren't going to let their bad behaviour affect your own. I find it very hard though as it feels like I'm letting them win.

Last edited by nessa238 on 31 Mar 2013, 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've never exchanged Christmas cards with any neighbour. Once I overheard the neighbour's daughter saying to the neighbour's grandaughter about her ball "if it goes over the fence I won't be going to get it back for you". I knew it wasn't because she couldn't be bothered, it was because they don't like me (not that I've every given them any reason to other than keeping myself to myself). They have never said hello to us. Once the postman was about to ask us to take in a parcel for the neighbour, the daughter lives over the road and she literally sprinted over to take it before he could pass it over as if her life depended on it. I may not know what people's ulterior motives are, non-verbal communication and stuff like that but I can pick up when someone dislikes me. They've done a few things that have proved so, but I won't bore you with those.

Ideally I would like to live in a totally detached house with the nearest neighbour at least 200m away.

Ha,ha, your neighbour probably envisaged you inviting all these "weird" autistic people round and started to panic lol!

I never considered that as an explanation for her reaction

I thought it was due to her feeling bad about the fact they'd been offhand and judgemental towards me without knowing I had Asperger's Syndrome. They are a typical middle class family - she is/was a librarian at the local University and he's a lecturer there. These types are usually left wing and pride themselves on their PC (Politically Correct) credentials, so me in effect pointing out they'd been treating an autistic person in the manner they had probably made them feel guilty. In a way I liked it as it showed up the utter fraudulence of this left wing pc stance - most of it's utter rubbish! they can be just as judgemental and nasty as anyone else! So she basically didn't want to talk about a subject ie autism where she had been shown up as judgemental - this is what I saw as the reason for her alarmed look.

True. Ironically I think this is more difficult to accept when having autism.

I've never had anything to do with my apartment building neighbors. I avoid them entirely, I guess I mainly just don't trust them. I'm afraid one of them might try to take advantage of me in some way I suppose. And I really don't know how to start something up anyways.

Last edited by briankelley on 31 Mar 2013, 10:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I feel alone all of the time. When I am with family, at a party, at work. It's all the same. It's not a sad, horrible or terrifying thing. It just is.

I remember someone once wrote something like, "I never feel more alone than when I'm in a room full of people".

Even if I am with a lot of friends in a noisy room, I am alone.