The Catch 22 of Being Aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Today, watching a rerun of the show "Monk"---the episode where he takes care of this kid and he bonds with him--the character Monk makes the comment, when he realizes even though he wants to adopt the boy but can't because of his ocd:
I want to change, I don't like change, I want to change, I don't like change...

I almost bust out crying, watching him in his misery. It reminded me so much of how us, as aspies, have this very same misery......

I want friends, but I have a hard time around people, thus don't want to put myself in amoungst them

I want to change, but I don't like change.
Even though it was a show, it cut close.

These are the things that I keep telling myself. "I want to change, but I don't like change".

I don't think Aspies have trouble with people. I think People have trouble with Aspies. That IS the idea behind sites like aspie affection. You want to have times when you can be alone, have your quirks recognized and heeded, etc....

It is like the woman that called me a jerk because I wouldn't let her eat off my plate. I even offered to buy her fries! SHE was the jerk for trying to eat off anothers plate. I had no obligation to do ANYTHING for her.

It is like the mother worried because her kid won't hug her, smile, etc... If that is merely how the kid wishes things to be,why should she worry?

And autistics don't like to be crowded, etc... HEY, the AVERAGE american used to feel the SAME way!

As for monk, that IS a shame. It is HIS personality that attracted the boy, and allowed them to communicate so well. He certainly did better than the foster mother that kidnapped another boy, chopped off a finger, and might have hurt the boy Monk wanted to adopt!

Steve

I feel your pain. I REALLY do!

I have went around and around with my family about all the things I have depressed about: all the things I so desperately want to do but can't.

I will talk to my brothers about wanting to live a better life. Wanting a life with more money and better living environment. And they always adamantly reply "Well just do it, then!!" And I pause because there's just no way to explain it to them. There's no way to make them understand the trap AS has me in. I despertately want a better life, a good job, the ability to talk uncluttered with people and a modicum of success. But I can't have any of it. NO matter how many times I try or how hard I try, I simply cannot have even the smallest of things. Nor the smallest of comforts.

"Well, if you want to be a part of society then just go out and be a part of it." they say. Easier said than done.

"If you want financial independence then go out and get a job." they say. Easier said than done.

Yeah, and when Corporate America starts appreciating intelligence over social skills, maybe aspies will be able to get jobs that allow for financial independence.

I have found myself feeling lonely, at times, then not wanting to be around anyone at the same time

I am so glad I'm reading this. I do have some friends, who are very understanding. They don't know why I'm like this. We've been friends, the group of us, for ten years, and I only found out I have AS last month. I haven't spoken to them in about three months. I miss them so much it hurts, but I just can't do it. I just can't pick up the phone, or even send an email. That's why it's so comforting to be on this site. I actually feel less lonely because of it. It's amazing to see that some people aren't just "understanding", that you guys actually "get it".

Exactly, Corvus.
It drives me crazy.
I have been making an effort..or so I thought, at being sociable. Only to be told one time by my son that it was obvious I DIDN'T want to talk to anyone. And this when I thought I was doing GOOD.
Or smiling more.
And then swinging back the other way and saying, screw everyone, they can all kiss my a**, this is who I am and that's the way it is.
I feel schizophrenic sometimes.
Not giving up, though. Just confused.

I don't understand how some NTs can be around people ALL the time, though. Don't THEY ever feel like just being alone?

Yes, many of them do. 'NTs' aren't a hemogonous group by a long shot!

I think I agree with everyone here but it wouldn’t make sense to post a reply to individual posts just to say I agree. However, SteveK’s post is the one I agree with the most. I think people are just as uncomfortable with us, if not more and don’t know how to take it. We’re different and I think they pick up on that and they think it’s them.
They can’t connect with us no more than we can them.

I believe it’s up to the individual to make the best of AS and try to over come as much of it as possible though. The whole social thing is very difficult for an Aspie, believe me I know, but if it means doing it to avoid being homeless and relying on someone else financially, then I think behaviors can be learned just enough to survive. Maybe not in all cases, but surely in most.

However, I don’t believe I would have come as far as I have if I would have been diagnosed with AS before the age of 25. I’m 42 now and was just recently diagnosed but let me tell you, getting to where I am has been one very long, very rough road. It’s still rough, just not as bad. I really believe it would have hindered me even more though to have known earlier in life that I have AS. I probably would have told myself I can’t do it. The best thing I ever did for myself though is take communication classes at a community college about 14 years ago. It was hell but it ended up helping a lot in the long run.

Not knowing I had AS, I forced myself to do eye contact the way I was taught, look just below the eyes and I practiced the whole social thing to get myself to where it was acceptable so I could get a job. I don’t have a great paying job but it’s enough to get what I need and keep me in touch with society so if I have to get another job for some reason, I can.

It’s all an act though, I put on an act every day at work and some days it feels almost impossible but somehow I still seem to manage. Most days though I have to come home and whole up just to regenerate and prepare myself for the next day.

Nirrti Rachelle, add corporates in other countries to the list, too. I have two friends with Aspergers who recently got jobs after ages looking and they are doing well because someone has finally shown faith in them and given them a chance even if their social skills are slightly lacking.

Droopy, I pretend to be "normal" most of the time each day to keep my job, but every 12 months or so, I have a breakdwon because the effort eventually wears down all my defences. This is a heavy price that many of us pay and I don't thing regular society realises how exhausting it is. Then again, I think a lot of NTs also wear masks to get along in society so I think it is a general societal problem rather than just NTs not understanding us.

It's like being more sensitive to pain, but being allergic to painkillers.

What a coincidence! I was musing the SAME thing this morning! My father has gotten FAR too senselessly arogant lately, and said you can NOT concentrate on the road if you are on the phone, etc.... Frankly, I KNOW when it is affecting my driving.

That made me think of things I had to work at, etc... If I knew about AS when I was three, I probably would have tried HARDER to learn ANY foriegn language. I probably would have worked to do even BASIC math much faster. I probably would have IGNORED some social expectations. BUT I wouldn't hve tried to push any ability to multitask, etc... I don't know where I would have ended up. The fact is that even NT people don't necessarily have all the limits they are supposed to. Why should AS people?

3 and 8 were probably 2 turning points for me there. I don't think 25 would have been a turning point. By then, I already figured what I could/couldn't do.

Steve

Hey, I know exactly what all you guys mean. I feel a lot of these way myself a lot of the time. Asperger's just doesn't get the attention it needs, and when it gets any attention, it isn't understood the way it needs to be. I'm a senior in college right now, about to graduate and start looking for a job, I'm reading a book about helping aspies find work and keeping a job once they get it, but even there, it seems that just as many more questions and challenges arise out of findingout what to do and what not to do. There seem also be a lot of contradictions in the matter. Such as you hve to converse with your coworkers, but with certain ones and not with others. Or "safe" topics to talk about with almost anyone, but certain people you can talk about work realated things only and such. There's just so much inconsistency. But I'm sure if we all seek and find the help and clarification we all need in this matter, and we persevere when the going gets tough, as I always do, we'll eventually make it through.

Well-put.

You can say that again. Things tend to be portrayed in media as simple good or bad, and departures from the mainstream/average aren't depicted as equally valuable/valid ways of being. Problems garner attention-unless it's a "triumph over the odds" that ends with success type story. For example: "This person with AS is doing well in some ways, but has great difficulty in other areas"-that's worthy of discussion in my mind (since that's my sort of situation)-but that doesn't "make the news". Extremes & "pushing the envelope" (for good or ill) crowds out stories of the "in-betweens" in life. In-depth reporting on the honest complexities of a variety of people (instead of targeting assumed demographic stereotypes) would be beneficial. People get online looking to read & write about "how it really is" for many issues, bc. traditional media aren't enough.