Moving out!

Post Reply New Topic

I said too my dad earlier "don't you think the time is right for me too move out". And my dad flat out said " NO".

I don't get it I am 23 years old so why is my dad making my choices for me? Is it cause I have aspergers? I am unemployed currently.

Grrrr why do all parents have this attitude about there children with developmental disorders .

Where would you go if you left the house, say, in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping? Where would you work?

My mum and dad should just buy me my own house.

Sorry... but that isn't moving out on your own... that is living in your parents home still. I get where you are thinking... but that isn't the same as going to work and supporting yourself and paying your own way.

I can understand why your Dad is bulking at this idea. A house is a huge purchase...

Uh, no they shouldn't. You wouldn't learn anything from that. This sense of entitlement is the problem with youngsters today.

Get a job, rent a place, save a deposit for your own house.

You will value it more the long run anyway as it will teach you the worth of hard work and money. [/old man talk]

this, and the fact that you're unemployed, are two very goof reasons why your parent thinks you aren't ready.

Maybe your dad should help you start moving towards independence. Help you get a job. I was fired from all my first jobs due to poor performance, but eventually got the hang of things. I lived with different room mates for several years. The last one I had was neurologically impaired due to a brain injury received in a motorcycle crash.

But eventually after many years of struggling I became fully independent. I've been gainfully employed with the same company as a nightwatchman for 13 years now and have lived in the same apartment for the same number of years.

I wasn't able to just move out and make it work. It took a lot of years of baby steps. Maybe you can ask your dad about helping you learn to live independently.
See if you can get and hold a job and live at home more as if you were a border renting a room. Do your own commuting from and to work, buy your own groceries and supplies. Pay your own phone bill etc. Cook your own food. Do your own laundry etc.

You'll have to be able to pull all that off before you're ready to move out. You have to prove to him that you can take care of yourself.

Last edited by briankelley on 06 Apr 2013, 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And then what?How are you going to survive in a house all by yourself? What are you going to do about groceries and utilities and the like? If you're expecting your parents to buy you a house and then take care of all that for you, you're asking way too much I think. If you can't make it on your own, you'll have to stay at home. Independence is something you're going to have to work and suffer for. Unfortunately it doesn't come on a silver platter.

Sorry but this shows you aren't thinking maturely enough to manage on your own yet.
Unless your parents are super rich or royalty, its not the way things work.

Do you still depend on your parents for anything other than just housing?
It might help to list all your needs and how you plan to meet them.
Shared housing might be a starting point when you are ready to move.

I think you are lucky that your parents don't kick you out at your age. I know many parents kick their children out of their house in their late teen. I wonder why you would want to move out unless your parents or siblings are unbearable or something.

I think moving out = independence. So if you are expecting your parents to pay for your new house, then it's not really independence and there's no point in "moving out" as far as your parents are concerned. They might as well keep you with them and keep looking after you. That's easier for them.

When I moved out I realized how hard it was to live on my own. Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, preparing meals, worrying about bills, worrying about rent etc plus working all had to be handled. Even now I'm not really good at handling all that. But we all have to learn to do those things eventually.

Warning; Long post but I'm talking about all this for a reason that I explain at the end. Everybody else can skip over it if they want, but I would really like Jamesy to read it if he doesn't mind.

From what you said it didn't sound like your dad is making your choices for you at all. You asked him what he thought and he answered you. I didn't see you say you asked him for permission and he denied it, nor that you told him you were moving out and he some way or other forbade you from it.

You are 23 and if you have the ability to get a job and pay your bills and take care of yourself including your own cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc then you can move out anytime you want to no matter what your dad thinks or says about it. If they have some sort of custody over you because of something then that's a different story. It would be up to them then and short of calling a lawyer or going to court there may be nothing you can do about it. Bottom line is that unless your parents have some legally binding hold over you or a guardianship of some sort, they can't do squat about it if you walked out the door today and told them you were leaving to live at the airport and chant with the Hare Krishnas.

The other thing I want to address is the buying you a house comment. Were you actually serious when you said that? Why in the world would they take on a mortgage, insurance and upkeep on another home for you to live in it when if they are going to continue to support you it would make a whole lot more sense to just let you stay in the room you have? Granted, sometimes parents buy houses for their kids. As a matter of fact, my in laws bought us a house an anniversary gift several years back. They could afford to do so, they wanted to do it, and so they did. We didn't ask them for it and we certainly didn't feel entitled to it or that they should do it for us in any way, shape or form. In fact when they first told us we both declined it because it was entirely too big of a gift. We eventually accepted it though.

Lets say your parents are sitting on a gold mine somewhere and can afford to just buy you a house because at 23 you want one. If they buy the house and it's free and clear and they give it to you then depending on where you live you may or may not have to pay a tax on it when you receive it. You will also have to pay property taxes on it every year, you will need to pay for homeowners insurance, you will need to pay for utilities such as power, natural gas (if it has gas), water, possibly sewer and garbage as well, cable or satellite, phone and/or internet. Those add up over $600 a month and as you are unemployed you would either have to do without them or find a job really fast. You would also need upkeep on the home and that includes a termite contract from a pest control service, yearly service of the heating and air conditioning equipment, either lawn care or the equipment to care for the yard yourself - lawn mower, clippers, rake, edger, weedeater. You would need to have the money put aside to pay for an emergency repair to your home that the homeowners insurance either doesn't cover or is applied to your deductible because if the some of your roof blows off during a storm you don't exactly have a long time to wait to get it fixed before you cause a lot more damage to the house by doing so. You will need to keep it either painted or if it has siding, pressure washed every few years.

You would need furniture too. I'm assuming you live in your room at your parents house, so you have bedroom furniture but you would also need some furniture for the livingroom and diningroom even if it's just the bare minimum. While many houses do have appliances in them when you buy them, just as many do not. You will need a stove, refrigerator, and hot water heater at least, and more than likely a washer, a dryer, a dishwasher and you would need to make sure the water heater is in good condition because those are frequently just replaced when the house is sold.

Once you have all that taken care of and some furniture, how are you going to eat and pay the bills? You will need to work because government programs really won't give you enough to pay all your utilities as well as insurance and property taxes and many of them won't even accept you into the welfare programs if you own property. This will mean getting a job. To support a house of your own you will need to work at least 40 hours a week. You will want a job with medical, dental and possibly optical insurance and a retirement plan if you can get it. Do you have experience or education that would allow you to get something like that? You will need to probably work at least 40 hours a week to pay for your expenses unless you are simply hired on salary with a benefits package. Of course that would be the best option but it would really depend on what field your career is in because some fields don't do that very often and only pay on an hourly wage or even just commission. You will need transportation too, and that needs to be a car and not just public transportation because you will need to bring things home from the store quite often and you will also need a vehicle to be able to bring things like your lawn mower or tv or computer to a repair shop when need be.

A car is a whole other set of expenses. I'm assuming you have a drivers license but if not you will need to learn how to drive and get your license. That's not very expensive but you'll need a reliable care because you don't want to lose a decent job because of car trouble and not being able to get to work and I'm sure you wouldn't want your parents to buy that for you on top of buying you the house, so you'll have to buy it. Without money put back for it to pay cash at the dealership, plan on making monthly payments of several hundred dollars. This will also have other expenses too. Insurance of course, at least liability insurance which is required by most states and many finance companies require collision as well. You will also have to keep your car serviced and pay for gas weekly. You'll need to either have cash put back in savings or viable credit because cars break down unexpectedly and many times the problem isn't covered by the warranty. You'll have to pay to have it fixed, plus pay for a rental care to get to work and back while your car is in the shop.

Also, because a house is a valuable asset and it will be in your name, even though you are a young, healthy man, it is advisable that you draw up a will when you have something like that so that if you were to, God forbid, die in an accident or something the state wouldn't take all your assets, they could be given to your family or whoever you designate.

So, if your parents have that kind of disposable income and you can see your way clear to take care of all those things that I've listed above, then I'd suggest you go to them and explain how their outlay would only be in the expense of the house itself and you would take care of everything else and see if they will do it.

Oh, when you look at houses that are for sale and you see one you like and may want to buy, you should get it inspected first. Depending on your location it may be cheap or it may not. But it's very important to do that because sellers aren't always honest.

Now, my whole wordy post above was written to show you all the other expenses involved in owning a house that nobody ever things about until they either buy one or are getting ready to buy one. I would honestly suggest that if you do want to move out, then you should find an apartment that you can afford or rent a house. You can get a friend to move in with you and split the cost or even find a roommate through a service. Renting a place to live has so many benefits. The landlord takes care of maintenance, upkeep, repairs, emergencies, insurance, taxes, etc. Window gets broken by the brat next door playing ball too close to your yard? No problem, call the landlord and he will send somebody out. Toilet needs snaked? Call the landlord. Fridge stops working, call the landlord. You pay for nothing like that in most situations.

For real, I'd see about getting a job first and saving some money and learning to be more self sufficient at home right now before moving out. I don't know what all you do there, but I know that Mom's tend to still do everything for their grown kids who still live at home, or at least I do that for mine. If you don't already, then start doing your own laundry and ironing and putting it away. Be responsible for remembering it on your own without being reminded to. If you don't already keep your room clean, dusted, vacuumed or swept, the windows cleaned on a regular basis, and your bed linens changed weekly, you should start doing that yourself too. It's difficult for a Mom who is used to doing that to stop and let the man or woman who she still sees as her child do the things she sees as her responsibility to the child, but speaking from experience I can say that it's something that does need to be done. Find a job and start giving your parents money toward your own food and lodging there, pay for your own things such as video games, computer stuff, clothes, toiletries, internet, Netflix, iTunes, etc. Also start putting back some money with every paycheck to save so you will have a good size nest egg when you are ready to move out, because you may have to pay first and last months rent plus a deposit.

If you get a job and keep the job and start taking responsibility at home, your parents will be impressed with you and start to see you more as an adult instead of a child. It's difficult for parents, I have one your age as well and three more slightly younger, so I know. Only my oldest is moved out right now, but my 18 yo son is looking for a place with a friend of his and my 19yo daughter is looking for a place with her fiancé who lives here with her (she has a garage apt attached to the house) and even though they are grown I will do my best to entice them to stay home just a little bit longer, so don't let it bother you when your parents do the same. It's hard to let your kid leave the nest, however I have doubts as to whether or not my 18yo will stay moved out very long. He is just like one of those guys in "Mama's Boys Of The Bronx". If you haven't seen the show, find it on the internet. Grown men who live at home and who can't seem to function without calling for their mothers every 5 minutes to iron something, bring them something, find something for them, clean something for them, etc etc etc. Then again, like those mothers on that show, I always spoiled my boys more than my girls.

I've had entirely too much coffee this morning as you can tell by my long and wordy post, but I hope it can help you to see what all is involved in being on your own so you can start concentrating on the areas that you need to work on so that you can be on your own before long. Because honestly, until you are mature enough to be able to take care of yourself including bills and household stuff and also make decisions for yourself, without someone else telling you what to do and when to do it, you aren't mature enough to be out on your own.

I don't now if I'm read this differently; but it sounds as though your dad is saying that he doesn't feel you're ready to move out?

I don't think he's making a choice for you. You asked him a question and he gave you his answer.

Why should he buy a house for you? You want a house, buy your own.

Depending on where you live, how about building your own house and moving in it?

There are more and more people turning to very small houses (often called tiny houses) that may be about the size of an efficiency apartment. The cost of building can be about $10,000 or even less. The cost of energy for heating and cooling would be very minimal.

Think about something in size of about 15 feet by 20 feet. If done right, it's surprising how big such a house can feel.

There's one house about about two blocks from my office that is about 15 x 25 feet. It is built next to the alley behind the house that the owner lives in. He is currently renting it out at a pretty low price to a local college girl who's parents were killed in an automobile accident (if I remember correctly) about two years ago.

If you live in a typical neighborhood, you might be able to build something like that behind the parents home relatively inexpensively. It would hopefully boost the price of the home enough that if they sold the house, it would cover the cost of the tiny house. It would also be close enough to the house that they could keep an eye on you if they need while giving you a good sense of independence. And with a small house, you won't need to spend much in the way of furniture. For that matter, if you try, you can probably get most of your furniture for free -- I have a really nice reclining chair that a neighbor gave me if I hauled it off when they bought a new one. And your father might be interested in helping you accomplish some goals as well as to help prepare you for living away from home at some time in the future.

For what it's worth, I'm thinking about doing that myself, but for different reasons. Right now, I have the farmhouse that I grew up in. It's a big house with five bedrooms (six if you include the large closet that was my bedroom when I was about four or five years old). It needs a lot of repairs that I'm not good at doing and I can't begin to keep it clean.

My nephew and his family need a place to live and really want to move into the farmhouse. He's much better at do it yourself projects. He'd be a much better fit to the house than me.

Also, my oldest brother and his wife live in a house about fifty feet from the farmhouse. My oldest brother has really gone downhill in the last couple of years and needs someone better at odd jobs than me to keep an eye on the two of them. My nephew would be much better at that.

Heating the house hasn't been a problem, but that' because of the gas well. I'm not sure how much longer that gas well will have enough pressure to provide gas for the two houses (the farmhouse and my oldest brothers' farmhouse). When the gas pressure is too low to use, that big farmhouse is going to get rather expensive just to keep warm.

So I'm thinking about building a small house on the farm about 20 feet by 25 feet in size (including a screened in porch -- one of my favorite features in a house) with good insulation. One bedroom. A small bathroom. A small combination living room, dining room, and kitchen with a pantry. And a porch. I just can't decide if I want the porch on the east side to catch the sun in the morning, the west side to catch the sun in the evening, or the south side to catch the sun in the winter. And with a small house with good insulation, two or three cords of wood might be enough to keep it comfortable all winter long.

Here's some pictures of various tiny houses:











Get your father to help you build something like one of these next to the alley and get a job to pay him rent on it.