Aspie Women - Ever Been Accused of Being Horrible?

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Hi everyone

I have a son diagnosed with AS.

I am in my early 40s, undiagnosed, but suspect I may have Aspergers.

At the moment I am on a journey trying to understand myself and work out if I am on the Autistic Spectrum.

One thing that has cropped up all my life is how I act in social groups. I generally try to cover my awkwardness by trying to make people laugh or act a bit outrageous. However I always analyse my behaviour afterwards and wonder if I made a fool of myself. Sometimes it's OK and sometimes not.

I was once accused by a man at a party of embarrassing my husband by deliberately mocking him (my husband) in public. I was mortified as I thought we were all laughing and joking about our spouses. Perhaps I went too far but was not aware of this. I would never try to be malicious or humiliate my husband on purpose and it hurt to be seen that way. My husband was annoyed at me - not because of what I said about him, but because I made the man so uncomfortable he had to speak out. Afterwards I felt quite upset, as I felt the man had made an unfair judgement of me and didn't even know me.

I have also been told that I sometimes make people uneasy/unwelcome in my house by speaking abruptly to my husband. I do get very stressed when I have people round and this comes across as being unpleasant. When pointed out I feel very ashamed.

I can get riled up on political and social justice issues if they crop up in conversation and can be very forthright which can offend people. This has happened a few times and I feel embarrassed afterwards.

Those who know me well know I am not a mean or unkind person and if I come across that way it is unintentional.
They find my strong personality and lack of social grace endearing. However I think some others don't like me or find me annoying.

Now I'm scared of social gatherings in case I overdo it, express too many opinions or upset people.

Can any other people with AS relate to any of these experiences?

Thank you.

In my (limited) experience, many women on the spectrum tend to hide under the radar...at least with Asperger's syndrome, anyway. I think it's really under-diagnosed in women because we tend to be a bit more skillful at hiding it for longer. Might be because we have a leg-up wiring-wise for social intelligence, or because our society tends to really discourage girls from being too antisocial as children, so we have a lot more pressure to learn how to fake it than the boys do.

I've always taken the approach of just remaining largely silent if I'm interacting with more than one person in a given situation. I can (sort of) stay on top of what's going on (& whether I'm being offensive or inappropriate) when I only have to keep track of one person at a time; if I open my mouth when interacting with more than one person, I run the risk of being overwhelmed by how much I need to keep track of—& commiting some sort of social faux-pas. I manage to pass it off as just being really shy, which folks tend to find more endearing than stand-offish.

So, while I don't share much in the way of your experiences, I am quite certain that something similar would happen if I decided to actually interact more in a group setting. The people who love me are folks who happen to find my idiosyncrasies endearing & tolerable, but, yeah...not everybody is as forgiving, & with new people, I've found that it's better to be an observer than a participant until you have a chance to interact with them one-on-one.

I've also found that Paul Ekman's research on microexpressions was really helpful for helping me figure out if somebody's being put off by me—it's given me a lot more confidence in social situations, because it teaches you how to spot people's emotions in their faces, even if they're trying to conceal it (& their voice isn't giving them away somehow). You might consider reading his books/taking his training programs....now, I actually enjoy looking at people's faces when they talk to me, because...holy s**t, they're actually giving you valuable information with their face! I never realised how much information I was simply oblivious to....because nobody ever thought to teach me what specific facial expressions mean (& more importantly, what they LOOK like).

Just my two cents.

Short version? Yes. Not necessarily with teasing (which I try to refrain from), but sometimes it seems like no matter what tone I try, I'm likely to come across as offensive if I'm talking about something I'm passionate about. I don't particularly want to relate specific experiences...

I do seem to be getting better, but I feel like I have a long way to go.

Yes I have certainly been 'accused' of presenting in a way that is not how I intended. People have said really cruel things to me about what they think I am like. I think the worst ever situation was many, many years ago when I was 14. I was on holiday laughing with an adult who we had become friendly with when she hit me in the face. I had obviously said something to offend her, totally misjudging a situation. I still look back at that with horror. No one has a right to hit another person but how badly did I present myself unknowingly? How many times have I done this through my life?

I've had many times where I thought things were peachy keen and everybody liked me and I thought I was doing well socially only to abruptly find out I was wrong by someone yelling at me or bursting out in tears. The thing that I can't get over is that in order for them to react so explosively it must have been something building up and their outburst was the last straw. Like they've finally had it with me. People don't seem to believe I was clueless no matter how shocked I am so they conclude I'm a jerk.

Often it does seem to be that I offended them with what I thought was light-hearted joking. Sometimes I even thought I was doing something nice for the person and they go off on me. Inside I'm a person who only wants to do good by others. I'm also very sensitive to people being upset so when they're upset at me it's terribly upsetting to me, yet it seems to happen time and again. Almost everybody in my life (coworkers, classmates, family and friends) at one time or another have gone off on me. Sometimes in groups. One time, I was the only person at work who wasn't invited to a co-worker's wedding. I really don't fit in anywhere I go. Whenever I do feel like I fit in, it's only briefly until I realize I was mistaken.

I'm also in my early 40s like IndigoIndigo. I didn't really figure out I has Aspergers until two years ago. I suspect my son has it but I'm trying not have myself or anyone else label him and just letting him be him. I definitely will check out Paul Ekman. I still may not know how to respond appropriately but it sure would be nice to have a clue what the other person is thinking before they're yelling at me.

Well, almost same age and same case, too. I hide my asperger using the sense of humour. If you make people laugh, they pay less attention to your oddities. The problem with that is that's very easy to overdo. The line between using humour, mocking at somebody and hurting somebody is a thin one.

I have gone too far many times. Though last years I'm doing quite well holding back in the right side of this line.

Right now, I avoid using humours when it comes to some subjects (politics, religion, and so). And, as a general rule, I don't do ironic comments about specific people (or a specific group of people) anymore (unless it's a humorous compliment). Sometimes it's a bit frustratring to have the perfect one-liner, and have to bite your tongue because you can't say if that would be going too far or not.

I see the asperger as a set of advantages and disadvantages in comparison with NT. For example: I'm very good analyzing (sometimes I feel like I was observing people around me through a microscope). That means that, if I want to stick the dagger (in the sense of mocking or kidding at somebody) I know exactly where to stick it. That's the advantage. The disadvantage is that I'm not able to say how far (in the sense of embarrassing somebody) that will go. So, at the end, I have renounced to this kind of 'fights'. If somebody makes some jokes about me, unless this person is going too far, I don't fight back anymore.

And, if some day some jerk is going too far, this is the perfect moment to unchain the mean side of the force and enjoy all that you have been holding back all this time

Taking teasing too far is a very Aspie trait. I score low on the empathy scale, and I can be a bit like you, although I am reserved in socialising situations and would rarely tease too far then, it would be at home just within the family more. I haven't been told I am horrible, but have been told I am difficult by my husband. But I do think that's because I am so analytical and have such a good memory that he often can't win in in debates!