Whats a good 'cool down' time and procedure after meltdown?

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After my BF has a meltdown I dont know what to do. I dont know whether to leave, to stay, to talk or keep quiet. After the fallout when we separate I dont know whether to keep in contact by maybe one text a day or stay quiet altogether until he reaches out to me? (BTW I suggested he has Aspergers but he is not at all embracing it. He would prefer to 'label it' as black and white thinking...and his meltdowns he prefers to call 'frustrations'). I know everyone is different but suggestions and how others handle it may be good to hear. Can anyone help?

First of all, whatever he decides to call his meltdowns are irrelevant. They work the same. Maybe one day he will become open to the idea that he may have Asperger's, maybe not. You still have to deal w/ it in the mean time.

Ask him what he needs. Do it right after. Ask him what he needs. Comply, if possible. Then ask again much later after he recovers. He will have a better insight then. Maybe what he thought he needed at the time didn't work so well and he needs something different.

You can also ask him on a regular day, when he hasn't had a meltdown. You may find that the answers differ. You may have to try each thing, and see which works best. Once you figure out what works, make sure you check in from time to time to see if your after-meltdown routine needs tweaking.

What I need differs from meltdown to meltdown. I usually need to be left alone after. But who initiates contact usually depends on if I feel angry or sad after or guilty. If I am guilty, I wait for the other to initiate, I may feel like they need a break from me and I don't want to bother them. If I am angry or sad, I am ok w/ coming back and initiating contact when I am ready. For all I know, your bf is totally opposite of me, so u can't take my experience as typical.

That's a tough one. Depends on what it's over I suppose. Lots of times I feel stupid or embarrassed afterwards. I'd mainly want to feel understood I think. In my childhood records it says I responded well to sympathy talk after exploding.

I would suggest staying but keeping quiet and letting him calm himself down. And whatever you do, do not question any odd activity he may use to calm himself. At least not that night. Also reach out to him when he has calmed down. If you wait for him to do it, he may have a very hard time doing so and may feel rejected when you don't.

When I have a meltdown, I retreat to my corner to deal with it. I don't want to talk, I don't want to be asked what is wrong, and I certainly don't want to feel like I have to justify my feelings to anyone. And I will usually take a piece of woven fabric (denim or something) apart thread by thread. And went absolutely bat-crap crazy on my husband when he asked why I was doing that.

Thank you all for your excellent replies. This last meltdown he literally ran away from me, as I was trying to catch up with him, (we were walking home from a restuarant)...he then jumped in his car and sped off. When he did that I got concerned and texted, voicemailed etc ten times to get him to stop the car as he had been drinking. And I was concerned. When he came back I asked him if he would talk to me, he was so angry at me he threatened to call the police if i asked him to talk again and told me to leave my key in the morning. When the morning came he was still very angry, wouldnt talk to me...but didnt ask for my key nor did he tell me to pack my stuff and leave....That was a week ago. I have connected with him via text since then...(nothing very friendly from him)...I had hoped that he would phone me and adress that last bad meltdown, but nothing. historically i have always been the one to reach out to him...this time i wrote a short email telling him that altho I'd liek to call him I would prefer him to do so when he is able and that I dont know how long that may be. He said that he is hurt and time will heal, so I dont know whether or not to call him like I have done previously or not. but his grudges can go on forever. The part about feeling guilty...i wish he did feel guilty but instead he says he doesnt know when hes mean to me...is this possible????
I know I can reach him and I think once I do we can have a very long term thing because when we connnect, we connect really well.

I personally prefer to be left alone so I can calm that down. That being said, I had a meltdown at an Autism group, put my hands over my ears (I couldn't talk; so couldn't say "it's too noisy") and walked off. I didn't want to make a scene or anything like that.

So Im intugued how it feels to you when you are in a meltdown...perhaps if i knew how it felt it may help me deal better. My BF actally ran away from me...and wouldnt talk to me aside from a break up threat.

An odd thing occurred to me while reading your post: It reminded me somewhat of the questions I had in my own relationships with people who have "issues" of one type or another. In retrospect, at least one of those was with a person that, in hindsight, I rather suspect has Asperger's.

What helped me greatly was getting involved with and learning from others in Codependents Anonymous. It may sound strange, but my experience has been that particular program and support group helped me learn how to relate in a healthy way to an addict, to a mentally ill parent (my particular case), or to a person with Asperger's.

Just my experience though - anyone else's mileage my vary