Passive Aggression

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Has anyone figured out how to tell if someone is being passive aggressive with you? I recently lost a job partially because people were being passive aggressive and I was not picking up on it or understanding what was making them act that funny when I did notice (so I would write it off as them having a bad day or something)...

I have been told by my psychologist, whom I am not yet sure I want to keep seeing, that this is normal competitive behavior between females in the workplace and that I just need to assuage their pride at every turn in order to make it work... except that I can't even tell what it is that I say or do that might hurt their pride until it is too late (such as after I am fired and I have a month to think about it all).

What I don't understand--Why don't people just treat one another how they'd like to be treated? If I were prideful about something, I would welcome someone showing me that I am wrong because I know that being prideful does not help me or anyone else accomplish anything of any true importance and can actually cause a lot of damage if I am, indeed, wrong.

My main questions--How can someone tell if coworkers are being passive aggressive, and what is one supposed to do about passive aggressive coworkers without taking the fall themselves in the end?

If they're not nice to you, it means that they don't like you. One of the reasons might be they're envious of you (if you're more capable, more hard-working, better looking, etc.) However, when you're good with people, as in having good social skills, even if they envy you they'll respect and be nice to you.

Detecting passive-aggressive behavior is one of the hardest things for me. I still get it wrong or am not sure a large part of the time.

Unfortunately, passive aggressiveness often comes with a smile and a friendly, helpful-sounding tone... like when my trainer told me "everyone here works at their own pace" and then turned me in to the manager for being too slow.

There is no way to detect it nor to understand it. All you can do is maintain a high index of suspicion (which I know, is draining) and presume that everyone is mean and all out to do something bad to you, then you will be on alert to watch out for it enough to analyse the possibilities behind their actions and motives.

It's not fair, but that's how it is for us out there.

I've heard Silicon Valley is a paradise for Aspies, so unless you can move there and get a job (or somewhere like it, with a lot of Aspies and Geeks) you will always have this problem.

Only other option, is to get a job where you are able to work independently and not fall victim to "office politics".

I think many people are passive-aggressive. People who are capable of that will always be like that towards someone from whom they don't benefit and whom they regard inferior to themselves. So in my opinion they themselves have a problem.

It's hard to tell what others think of you. In general when someone doesn't like you, you can sense it. I have quite a few people at work who actually don't talk to me or greet me. I know certainly they are being passive-aggressive. So if you feel someone's "having a bad day", then it's quite possible that it's because of you. I've had my work sabotaged a few times at work. That person (I can't prove it's that person, but I know it's that person for sure) is trying to annoy me and also trying to make me look bad in my work. I reported it to my boss and he acknowledged that he believed that someone was playing a mind game. In this way, when something bad is detected in my work again, at least my boss knows it's highly likely that someone is actually trying to destroy my work and reputation. Still, it's really stressful that I have to hide important things at work so that they won't be sabotaged. It's so wrong that I have to protect my work from my colleague(s).

Someone who is being passive-aggressive often don't look you in the eye, make small slightly rude remarks and try to negate what you say quite often in conversations if they talk to you. You can also sense their general less-than-friendly air towards you. There must be more indicators, but I can't think of any now. If you don't have any bad intentions towards them, then you shouldn't have to feel guilty or try to please them. It's actually their problem. You just have to come up with ways to protect yourself, possibly consulting your boss or HR.

Well, that's not good, then... I am supposed to be decreasing my anxiety... my psychologist told me that I should stick with academia, but I have very high standards for that -- mainly, that I get a hefty stipend and get into a great program -- there is little point in taking on debt at a little-known institution if I don't know if I'll be able to find a job afterward. This recent job I was discharged from was hiring people with two PhDs for work a high school freshman could do. Because I am currently disabled, but not enough according to her to get ssdi, I would have to get an office job that requires little physical movement, little talking, and not too fast a pace. Those jobs are pretty rare, if they exist at all...

"You just have to come up with ways to protect yourself, possibly consulting your boss or HR."

Actually, my boss was being passive aggressive because I had made a suggestion that she thought was a good idea, but when she tried to get my coworkers to adopt it, they wouldn't, and of course that damaged her friendship with them, which is apparently more important than the work itself. So, basically, I had a crappy boss. I just wish that there had been a way to know sooner that she was like that. I would not have let her stress me out so much, making me think that I was a slow worker when I wasn't or that people thought I was rude when they didn't (until she approached them and asked them to come up with some examples -- which only one did, and it was a pitiful example -- "She asked me a question about something someone else wrote that I printed out to help her, and I didn't know the answer. She could have asked the person who wrote it." -- which was easily cleared up -- "He was not at work at the time, so I figured I would ask you in case you knew. I did not mean to put you on the spot, and I'm sorry to have made you feel that way.") When I went to HR about the issues I was having with my manager, my HR person said she would talk to my manager, but apparently my manager did not want to hear it, and my HR person was not good at her job since she let herself be cut short and let me get fired for doing absolutely nothing wrong accept for making a complaint to her about my manager's behavior. And of course they can get away with it because I am poor and from a poor family and cannot afford to sue them -- plus, they chased me out of the building before I could print any evidence from my computer, even deleting my email account and blocking my home one so that I could not contact too many coworkers, who had also been instructed to cease ties with me -- a few were connections on LinkedIn, but they were no longer as of the next day, except for the VP whom my manager could not tell to do something like that... but I have no proof to give him even if I do contact him. It's pretty messed up.

This is something I struggle with too. Nothing makes my lip curl more than a veiled barb coated in a honey voice. When I catch something ideally I'll try to casually call them on it in a matching tone. In actuality, I avoid those people whenever possible and rant away internally.

I can only detect passive-aggression if it's kind of obvious, and even then I sometimes can't. If it's anything that could be perceived as insulting, it's probably meant to be. Usually if someone is passive-aggressive toward you, they are envious of something you do. I would just be nice to the person or people, and give them compliments. If you really want to make them stop, I have found that most people who insult you in this way will compliment you if you degrade yourself. So if you say something like "My work today was terrible," they'll probably say "No, it was great!" unless they're really jealous...then they'll probably agree with you.

I would just try to avoid them.

The trouble is, even if you are OK at picking up that someone doesn't like you, is being sarcastic/condescending/bitchy/insulting/jealous/belittling etc., that still doesn't help you to know that they may be creating machinations behind your back, to make you the fall guy for something or put you in a bad light with the boss - as you have already found out. They only have to start pointing out your quirks, weirdness, differences, lack of team spirit etc. to make your boss suspicious of you and make them take a dislike to you. Once someone superior takes that viewpoint, your card is marked.

Questions I’ve been asking all my life, and I still don’t have any good answers. Even when I do know what’s happening, the best I can do is walk away.
That’s a good attitude if you’re a cashier or in whatever field with only short-term relationships.
Most people are nice and cooperative when I first meet them, and then they’re gone so it never gets complicated.
It doesn’t work in long-term relationships, like co-workers. The misunderstandings pile up over time, and it degenerates until I get fired.
A lot of stuff goes right over my head, but even when I understand a problem perfectly, it doesn’t help.
Most people don’t like it when you try to educate them.

Let me know if you ever find a way to manage it.

Here is the Wiki for it:

[Passive-aggressive behavior is a category of interpersonal interactions characterised by an obstructionist or hostile manner that indicates aggression, or, in more general terms, expressing aggression in non-assertive, subtle (that is, passive or indirect) ways. It can be seen in some cases as a personality trait or disorder marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed, resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
Passive-aggressive behavior should not be confused with passive resistance (also called conscientious objection). In conflict theory passive resistance is a rational response to demands that may simply be disagreed with. Passive-aggressive behavior should also not be confused with covert aggression (a behavior better described as catty), which consists of deliberate, active, but carefully veiled hostile acts and is distinctively different in character from the non-assertive style of passive aggression.[1]
Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, hostility masquerading as jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-ag ... e_behavior

I would have trouble with the hostility as jokes, as some are so serious when joking. It's hard to tell with people what they are really thinking most all the time.

Do the co workers act passive aggressively towards eachother also?