Adults: repeating questions...repeatedly!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I've read tonnes on here since I first said hi, ages ago, so a massive thanks. I normally find everything I need... And that you've all contributed more than I feel I can! But I'm having an issue...

It's all in the title essentially, but I'll give a demo below for anyone who is fortunate enough not to live with me... and anyone searching the forum who may find it useful.

Me: can you hear that humming?
Saint: no
Me: that's awful... Why does a TV make that sound? Baby, do you understand?
Saint: I can't hear it
Me: it's really irritating, I can't stand it...wait let me mute it... Can you hear it now?
Saint: it's fine
Me: do you understand? Can you hear that? Baby?
Saint: no
Me: can you seriously not here that? Really? How can you now hear that?
Saint: did you hear my answer?
Me: yeah but...

This can go on for around an hour... And even include breaks where I try to distract myself only to go back to apologise... And instead start asking the question again ("no, but really...can't...). I am trying to get better for the sake of our relationship! But I do genuinely struggle to just take on board the answer. It's like I need to talk it out... I don't know. I don't have much insight into myself on this issue. I usually do have quite a food insight into myself.

It can include any topic, usually one that distresses me emotionally, or when i'm emotionally anxious, or due to sensory stuff, and usually to do with:

The feeling of my clothes, and how I need to discuss why they feel different
What are you thinking... What are you feeling right now... Are we getting on right now?
The fact that an item has not been placed back in its correct location in the house...

Basically you name it... I just wondered if anyone had experience of this, any solutions, whether this is a AS thing... Or a bad 'me' thing... And why it happens???

Mostly I try to cut myself off if I realize I am asking the same question over and over again.

As far as the humming, I totally hear it. Drives me nuts.

That's my tactic at the minute too! It's incredibly frustrating.

It doesn't always happen... As if I'm honest I *think* I only get really stuck in a loop with my partner, and earlier in life maybe my family. I am told in wider society that I don't repeat myself more than other people do.

Is it the same with you or do you find it happening in all social environments?

Do you have any idea why you get into these cycles?

Glad it's not just me with the humming! Lol

It almost sounds like a difficulty with cognitive empathy/speaking the same language issues...

The TV thing sounds like you can't understand how he can't hear it and keep trying different ways to get him to, so that
(a) you affirm the fact you are not "crazy"
(b) you can then move on in the conversation/action that you wish to do (but can't if they can't hear it)

As for continually asking what they are thinking/feeling, etc, I do that a lot, too. I assume this is because we aren't good at reading them, therefore the only way we can know is to continually ask them to tell us directly. This can be frustrating for a partner who doesn't like questions and isn't even good at knowing what they are thinking/feeling nor how to articulate this in words.

It sounds like you are seeking connection with them, but there is this "language barrier" between you two.

Perhaps it also stems from years of never being believed about stuff (sensory stuff) and now since you are getting to know your Aspie self more, you are more convinced that you do indeed experience different sensations, but want others to confirm it still. After a while, you won't need anyone else's confirmation to know that yes you DO feel things differently, whether others do or not.

As for repeating the question, I wonder if maybe that happens simply because you haven't received the answer you want/understand, so you keep asking over and over hoping you will, coz you still have a need to know it before you can move on with your thoughts/actions. This could be tied in with an Aspie's tendency to perseverate on a thought (to be stuck on a thought and unable to shift easily).

It's been awhile since I've been in many social environments outside of therapy or my family. I do recall occasions in which I'd get into a loop and then I'd start reminding myself of Rain Man and cut myself off. I never had anyone say anything directly to me, but I had heard second- and third-hand that I could be "too much" or "best taken in limited doses."

I do get into these patterns with my mother because she often doesn't understand my questions and her answers are full of irrelevant or superfluous information, and she tends to repeat those answers rather than explain anything.



I think it's what I said about my mother. People would give me answers I couldn't make sense of so I'd try to ask again until I got an answer I could understand, realized I was just going in a loop and stopped myself, or they told me to stop.



CRT televisions have this high pitched whine that's just horrible. Before I came to this forum I don't recall ever hearing from anyone else who could hear it.

For different reasons I remind myself of that movie, too, not very comfortable viewing!



That really rings a bell with me. It's almost like I'm frustrated that they can't just answer the question. It's really more like I can't process the answer, or that it's the wrong answer... So therefor I can't have expressed myself well.

Thanks for that, Verdandi

I do score pretty low on cognitive empathy! Even for an Aspie But I am more empathetic than most people but only once I understand how people are feeling, so affective empathy is high. Interestingly I can empathise more with films... But I think this is because there are visual cues and also music. Otherwise I'm still completely confused by who is doing what and why. I spoil the film for everyone else by asking! Lol.



Definitely!! By her own admission, she often jokes that I'm not great at reading her... But equally she's unusually subdued when it comes to expressing herself... And often doesn't even know what she's feeling. Twice as hard! She doesn't use facial expression or voice tones as much as most people.



I haven't found anything on why we get stuck on a thought... It definitely happens sometimes and not others, for whatever reason. I didn't know if that was an Aspie 'thing'. Thankfully she is great at talking things through... And does have the patience of a saint!

Hello, sound like you are looking for a validation from the Saint, as the Analyser mentioned above.

Could it be that the frustration created by the sensory overload is what fuels the cycle?

Can you try to insert an extra section into the mental loop:

Can you hear that? I have acute hearing, Saint has not.

So answering your own question before you vocalise, this is a more practical answer than a flat "No, I can't" and I'm not knocking your partner's responses.

I have the frustrations too but I'm able to control the urge to repeat the cycle.

Older TV sets that have a tube instead of a display (LED, LCD, Plasma) have a high voltage transformer (called a flyback transformer) for the tube. The sound always drives me nuts. Thankfully TV set's went all solid state. Though depending on the quality of electronics today I can hear the electronics doing it's thing in modern low quality switching power supplies.

I'll try that... I may sound crazy answering my own question... But only as crazy as I do repeating them, right?! If she offers a more developed answer it seems to add to the overload with unnecessary detail. I think I agree that it's probably linked to sensory overload. I do really struggle with that at times. I don't know how on earth it wasn't noticed when I was younger!!

Thanks for the input. It's interesting how much I can identify with what you're all saying.

I've done the same thing and I try not to. I can also hear them and they irritate me sometimes. I used to think everyone could hear them until my grandfather died and I was at his house and my family had the TV on mute and the sound was annoying me. No one could hear it but my cousin knew what I was talking about because she could hear them sometimes too and also used to bother her. She isn't on the spectrum. I discovered about half of the population could hear it because it's at he edge of the normal hearing range. Everyone can hear in different sound range. Some are just below normal and some are above it and I am in the normal range maybe at the top but not above average. I also remember one of my NT brother's hearing it too because he went in his bedroom and turned it off so of course I would assume everyone else could hear them.

Usually other sounds drone the sound out so I do fine with TVs. Some of them are just so loud I can hear it over the noise.