My mind the void

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Ok im not sure if this is some kind of an aspie trait but if it isn't maybe some of you can relate and if it is than good thing i posted it here. This is an intelligence related issue i believe because i feel just plain dumb a lot of the times. Not a dumb in that i can't read or write or understand complex ideas because i can at least i think i can and i love to read books on meditation and zen and spirituality. It more has to do with thinking of things to say related to what the other person said. And also has to do with the content of what i say like how pertinent what i said is. Most of the time i feel completely empty. Its a physical sensation as well. In my head there is a dull heaviness. An example of how this has played a role in my life is well my relationships of course. I hate having one on one conversations with people. My social life has been severely changed in that i don't hang out with my friends anymore because I have nothing to say and if I do its almost always forced. Yes that is a good way to explain it absolutely no spontaneity. My conversations with people go nowhere thus my relationships go nowhere. They go nowhere on an emotional as well as an intellectual level. Sometimes it seems I can sort of force a pseudo bonding. Throwing in fake laughs and doing my best to act as if I mean what I am saying and actually think of some good things to say. Than I just avoid this person because I know it was only a fluke and in reality I have nothing to offer. This problem is present with my family as well. Thats what kills me. It is everywhere in my life. It wouldn't be so bad if it was something that only happened around people but it is when i'm alone as well. Like i sit there or am driving in my car listening to music and all I find myself thinking about is how I'm not thinking about anything. Just a huge empty feeling. Thoughts moving like molases. Sometimes a piece of song or a phrase just replays over and over making up for the lack of thought A desperate sadness that feels as if it is slowly killing me. Eating me from the inside out. I'm conscious of how lacking I am which makes it 100 times worse. When in someones company I will make it a point to try. I can try really hard but I end up just feeling even less than a person after because it seems no matter what I do or try i just can't think of anything worthwhile to say. And I end up feeling like something less than a person and hating myself. Because of this I end up watching tv doing my best to distract myself from this void. I believe this has something to do with some kind of brain damage because i used to do alot of drugs because at one time i did have genuine social phobia. Now however it is something different. I don't feel like editing this any more so forgive whatever errors you see. Does anyone relate?

Is your username reflective of your drinking habits? If it is, alcohol might be playing a part, you can damage any organ in the body with excess alcohol, including the brain.

The other question is, do you have enough going on in your life to have things to talk about in conversation, and to feel fulfilled. Sometimes if you lock yourself away and vegetate your world gets smaller and smaller and you end up with little to say.

Neither of these things precludes you being an Aspie, but you don't give enough information.

Having AS means problems interacting and socialising with people, it doesn't mean you feel empty of things to talk about.

(PS please can you break up your text into paragraphs and a little more punctuation to make it easier to read).

Yeah I can relate a bit with lacking with things to say and difficulty thinking at all. An empty void that is difficult to fill, like If I was put on the spot to give an opinion on things and such, I couldn't.l

Yes my user name is reflective of my drinking and drug using habits that is what i fear the most. That I have cause permanent brain damage leaving me in this crippled state. I can do day to day things such as work a job although not a very difficult one i change oil at a Subaru dealership.

Do i have enough going on in my life? Well i think i do as many of my peers do about the same as me save they have relationships.

Another thing i might add is that I was sober and attended AA regulary for about 11 months.
But this not being able to have conversations made me severely uncomfortable plus they expect you to share at meeting which is talking about a topic for a few minutes maybe longer and i was unable to do this because of anxiety and this condition.

I think this is something called Alogia as having finally come up with a name i asked my psychiatrist if thats what i had and he said yes though there are different reasons people get this. I just hope brain damage is not mine but than again it might be so i sort of need to face facts and come to some sort of an acceptance if that is even possible. Surely i'm not doomed to despair for the rest of my life?


PerfectlyDarkTrails could you elaborate a bit please? Is this symptom only when put on the spot or all the time?

Yeah, most of the time, but also much worse when put under pressure to give answers without any preparation. This symptom does ease if I give the situation it's full focus and get fully mentally prepared for it beforehand.

Yep, I hate it when I have what I refer to as a "brain freeze". I just can not generate a thought. The gears will not turn over in my head.

Aside from Asperger's and/or other medical maladies may be involved, here is my personal experience:

- Sometimes it is due to hypoglycemia. Have I eaten properly, getting enough protein and avoiding sugary stuff?

- Sometimes I am sleep deprived. One of the bothers with aging is the the amount and quality of sleep one gets may change. I recently bought a new mattress to try to address this.

- Sometimes I am experiencing sensory overload. More sights, sounds, smells, and interruptions than I can handle.

- Sometimes I am experiencing depression. Depression can stop my brain cold; prescribed medication helps.

And on top of all of that, as a recovering addict I can say it has been my experience that there is no problem so great that a good stiff drink can not make it much worse

Longdistancedrunk. Are you quite sure, that you don´t have an old, untreated depression hanging there? To me it sounds likely.

Yeah Marky9 it really is the most troublesome of all my woes, thanks for some tips although they are simple they could potentially greatly help. I really should be doing some things like exercising and eating right which i have failed to do (at least for a consistent amount of time) because i'm lazy I suppose. Plus i'm not quite convinced they would help all that much. My mom is convinced those are the keys to a happy life. Really is annoying how often she tells me that.

Good to see a recovering addict here i need to get back into NA though sadly the only thing that seems to help this condition are drugs and not the kind a doctor gives you. Your right about the drink/drug just making things worse they only seem better for that short period of time that one is intoxicated for. And I know that but sometimes when you never feel good that brief illusion of happiness seems worth it.

Jensen, am i sure about it not being depression? No i'm sure that it is depression though i'm not sure why it is happening. Plus medication has never seemed to help leading me to the conclusion that it has something to do with brain damage or something like alogia which could also be from brain damage. I'm pretty sure anyone who feels that they are not functioning at the same level that they used to be would be depressed about it. Ah, brain damage, such a nice thing to think about. Whatever it is I just want to figure it out so I can either accept it or fix it. The toll it is having on me is horrible to say the least affecting every aspect of my life.

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far

Yes, of course, you´re depressed. I hope, I don´t sound too stupid, - but did you get like this after having stopped drinking, or did you drink because you felt this way? After having read about Alogia (Wikipedia), your condition seems different from your description. Couldn´t you persuade your physician to have you examined for this particular condition? Just to settle your mind?

Seconded, especially since OP clearly stated this wasn't always the case. With ASD alone things mostly improve as you learn to cope, you don't just suddenly stop being able to hold conversations well into adulthood.

Jensen well i've most always had social phobia and because of that I began using drinking and drugs as a way to cope. These things helped immensely. At around the age of 18 I had what some would describe as a manic episode. (I don't believe I am bipolar numerous psychiatrists have told me I don't because the episode was brought on by drugs and I haven't had any more episodes) Racing thoughts, euphoria, spiritual and mystical thoughts and feelings. Basically I felt f'ing great. Also due to the mania and other reasons I began using lsd quite frequently. Well for about 3 weeks this mania lasted and than i slowly fell into a deep depression which i haven't really come out of.

That is when this alogia or whatever it is began to appear. Due to having no other coping mechanism I continued to use drugs with no avail. I had some really just horrible trips one in which i felt the devil was communicating to me through the television. Also that same night I straight up asked my friends if I was ret*d. I also began using high doses of adderall regularly.

So to answer your question no I have not always had this symptom or if I had it was to a very small degree. The reason i started using drugs again was because this symptom was still present throughout my entire sobriety. I think before I just had social phobia and possibly aspergers. People including my current psychiatrist have told me they think I may have it. Thats why I posted this here. And about testing yeah thats really going to be the only way to find out about all this. I'm actually scheduled to get neuropsychological testing in a few weeks. So the verdict will be in on if I have alogia, aspergers or depression.

Sorry if that was written poorly that took a lot of energy and I don't feel like working on it any more. I just stopped drinking poppy tea today so I am withdrawing and don't feel to great.

Thanks

You express yourself perfectly well and clear. Your anxiety has really f****d up your life, I can see, and you have taken the hard way to try to cope. No wonder, you´re depressed and desperate. You´re not empty! You´re exhausted!

Now, you are speaking about psychiatrists. They are trained to spot illness, - not life crisis´, nor existential anxiety! If your social anxiety has ridden you so hard for so many years, a psychiatrist will see an "anxiety disorder". In most cases he/she will not deal with the underlying emotions,and experiences. Very likely, the psychiatrist will view the "disorder" as a result of these old emotional things having made permanent changes in the brain and are best dealt with by medicine, so they hopefullt won´t get worse.
A fairly static point of vue, don´t you think?

A psycotherapist believes in change, in dealing with emotions, possibly with the mildest support of medicine. Psycho-therapy, perhaps with body-work included, is expensive, hard, often painful work, but it pays off. With a good therapist, things will open up eventually.
Having a manic episode in a deep depression with anxiety does not mean bipolar. Anxiety does that, when severe enough, and yours seem to be.
Whether you are AS or not, you can work on this to get better.

Since you havent left an e-mail adress inhere, I have to write this officially.

I could recommend, that you initially told all this, perhaps by copypasting what you have written here, to a certain psychotherapist on "Justanswer" and ask for advice. His name is Elliott. He is a college professor, an has 35 years of experience in psychotherapy. I have had some ansvers from him myself.
He is the friendliest man with an openminded non-bullshit approach and a capacity for giving advice. I believe, that, perhaps, you could even have sessions with him. It is not very expensive, and phone sessions work exellent. (Have had them myself).
That would be a start.

I wish you the very best!

There seems to be some truth in what you are saying. Fo My sake I hope so. Even though it will take a lot of work I am ready and willing to do it. I very much appreciated your feedback and wish you the best as well.

Take Care

you too

I've experienced similar, to the point that I'm fairly reclusive. People talk at me, and I make noises in the right places out of politeness, or because I do like the person in general. It takes so much concentration to focus on what they're saying, and to try to respond accordingly. I feel bad because sometimes I wish they'd just zip it for a while, or find someone else's ear to pour into. I have a horrible memory, and naturally respond in a self referential manner which sometimes I can correct and sometimes not.
I don't have high ambitions, so if I'm not pondering the meaning of the universe that's okay. I admire people who do, or who challenge status quos. It's hard for me to reach that depth with distractions pulling me in different directions.
I do have an addictive personality, because it's so hard for me to feel relaxed. When I used to smoke I chain smoked. I drink more beer than I should, and when I had an easy weed supply I took full advantage. I've always shied away from any hard drugs, because there's just an underlying knowledge I'd end up dead. I don't take antianxiety meds because I liked them too much.
I had a such an odd psychotic break in my teens, like my brain was divided. I knew I wasn't being rational, and it was almost like observing myself from a distance. I wasn't told of my diagnosis for many years later, so through numerous self tests I thought I was just? schizotypal.
Please excuse my long self-referential post, but I think I can understand where you're coming from. No good advice, but I maybe can relate.

Yeah that sort of sounds like how it is with me. Though the difference seems to lie in your acceptance of the perceived problem. Or maybe it's just that you've always been that way so know nothing different. This not having high ambitions seems almost Taoist like and healthy in a certain way. Acknowledging your limitations thus not being troubled by them. So what I guess i want to know is how much this "problem" bothers you you.

Another thing that i relate to is the very bad memory. Specifically for like TV shows and movies. Usually needing to review the last episode before watching the next one even if i just watched it the week before. Also my long term memory seems to have suffered some.

I think I know what you mean by the self referential manner and i quite like that description. Though i'm confused as to why your poor memory has something to do with the self referential manner like when you said "I have a horrible memory, and naturally respond in a self referential manner which sometimes I can correct and sometimes not." Do you mean you don't remember not to respond that way? Or maybe I am understanding the whole thing incorrectly.

Lastly were you diagnosed schizotypal? Or was that conclusion from the online tests you took? Or is just what you thought you had before the aspergers diagnoses. And if you feel like it, no problem if you don't want to, describe the psychotic break you had in your teens a little bit. Just to see if its similar or different to things I have experienced.

Sorry for all the questions feel free to disregard any and all

Thank you for your time