Good social skills are about being a good liar/pretender

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Studying how those with good social skills go about it, I see they are basically being good a putting on a facade. Being good liars/pretenders. Constantly convincing other people they are in it for their best interest, when in fact they are only in it for their own best interest, not really caring that much about others. Asperger people prefer the truth and are in general bad liars. That results in social skill deficits.



How much truth do you find there is to this observation?

Not much.

Not because it's completely wrong, but because it misses the point.

The idea of being polte can be seen as ritualized lying, and being polite certainly does involve saying things that are not true. For example, polite speech requires that you ask for people's "pardon" when you may not give a damn what they think. You say "Excuse me" when you mean "get out of my way" or "STFU" --but these conventional utterances were arrived at over a long time to make it possible for people to live and work together without killing each other.

In the same way, all sorts of small talk exists to define and reinforce relationships. People are not lying, they are just focusing on something else, something that some of us don't perceive very well. Just because we are not sensitive to it, doesn't mean it isn't there. It seems unfair that we are shut out of it, but that's the way it is.

It's not lying, it's communicating indirectly.

Being good at putting on a facade is absolutely part of it.

It's what other kids are learning in the early grades and why the social communication deficits of Aspergers start to become evident for many in school interactions at that age.

Another perspective--normal communication isn't as exact as Aspies believe or would like to think.

I think there is a lot of wasted effort in trying to make it so.

I think it is definitely the case that in politics (which is properly defined as getting what you want from those over whom you have no power) appearances trump reality all day long. In political situations, the "truth" is the lie upon which most can agree.

I would agree with Slapdash. It's not something you should condemn as morally wrong. And our normal peers are not bad for, I'm not really comfortable with the word lying. They just realize the advantages of it more quickly than most of us do.

For example, it is good for you if everyone around you tells the truth. Then you know where everyone else stands on some issue or another. But you or one of your peers can benefit from not telling the truth. Everyone will assume that you are telling the truth, but you are not.

But there are upsides to aspie honesty as well. If everyone does not tell the truth then things start to fall apart. In that situation, our honesty can actually be refreshing and a better strategy than not telling the truth.

i just do not know.
i ascribe everyone with a plain and indiscriminate set of feebly imagined attributes as average people.
yee gads.

As in the other topic I will reply that a good number of people actually do care about others, and even put others before their own interests.

The reason why people need to read body language and all the other stuff is because they cannot trust each other. They cannot trust each other because everyone is in it for their own best, not the others best. That's what "reading the social environment" is about: through body language, actions etc. trying to figure out what other people are really up to, because they cannot put that much trust in the words other people tell them, if any.

One should avoid letting other people know some details about yourself, because they might use them against you. For instance an Asperger diagnosis. Only let out information that speaks positively or neutrally about yourself. Otherwise you could quickly get in trouble finding a job and a boy-/girlfriend.

Everytime you meet another person you should put on the appropriate facade. Never be truly genuine, unless you want the instant social punishment that goes with it.

Don't be naiive and think you won't be punished as a result of people appreciating your honesty. People use all information they can possibly get to scrutinize and judge you in order to know if you might be of any use to them. They'll use you to the extend that fits them the best.

I think it's difficult to appreciate this social game, can I ask you how you do it?

I think a lot of people are willingly fooled by themselves and others. I think most people know others are lying but they prefer to go along with it because its a way of fitting in with the groups. And when groups form they reinforce each others delusions about who they are.

Pretense is widespread in our society, it is all over the media, it is in our films, novels, TV. Basically we all love fiction to the point that we present ourselves as fiction.

I have taken to writing fiction and I hope one day I will make money because lots of people want to read my lies.