Shyness...what's the reason behind it?

Post Reply New Topic

As a kid I was naturally quite shy. More so than most other kids. It seems like this has a connection to Aspergers.

But what is the reason behind the shyness in the earliest years?

Is it due to being intuitively aware of your lacking social skills? But then again, you likely wasn't too aware of this as a kid? Perhaps as a result of a constant 'sensory overload' from the world around you?


Or rather just due to anxiety? In that case, what is the cause of the anxiety... Social issues?

Being withdrawn, quiet, introverted and/or avoidant is not always connected to anxiety.
What is your definition of "shy"?

I think about rather not wanting to be center of attention, being careful about attempting new things, not being the loud type, hiding away, avoiding confrontation etc...

Thank you.
As for your question, a seemingly shy child might be experiencing anxiety/fear of being judged or it might be that they simply don't want to be outgoing.
I think most withdrawn ASD-children fall into the latter, and there's a recorded indifference to sharing interests, socializing etc that is fully explainable with autism without any need for further diagnoses (like anxiety or sociophobia). Though anxiety is a very common co-morbid, it is mostly occurring after childhood. Being loud is not the natural state of all humans.

I'm the one saying thank you

I just wonder if there's a reason why they don't want to be outgoing...i.e. why being so careful about trying new things?

Perhaps that's just what is called personality, which there is no logical explanation for (other than that the shyness is likely a "result" of the autistic nature).

Last edited by qawer on 10 May 2013, 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never experienced shyness or embarrassment until age 17.

It's actually more usual for Aspie's to be less self-conscious / shy in childhood due to theory of mind deficit.

I'm more shy now as an adult because my ToM improved a lot and I'm more aware of how awkward I am

What do you mean by outgoing?

One aspect of this is attention sharing. NTs, when they encounter something that interests them, will share it with others around them. Autistics don't usually do this kind of sharing. The general idea is that they don't recognize there are minds around them that would want to experience the same thing. (poor Theory of Mind) This lack of sharing would be considered "not outgoing".

Your comment about new things is a different kind of outgoing. Autistics like predictability and routine. New things are certainly not predictable or routine.

To go any further in that discussion we first have to ask "Why do people like trying new things?" It starts getting into personal preference, so you have to be specific about what kind of answer you are looking for. "But why?" can go on forever with no real purpose.

Yes, that's the next question: Why are autistic children (and adults) like that? I don't know if there is an conclusive answer to that yet. There is some neuroscientific research about the way our brains differ, and those differences might explain our (social, sexual, etc) behavioral differences.

You are right. I think the poor Theory of Mind and preference of routine is the answer. One could then question this "odd" behaviour and it will then be explained by a different brain wiring.

I can have this feeling of "selling out" of myself if I get more social. I know how to do it, I just don't like it. I think it's because socializing includes taking part in the pack mentality, and I don't like that. I don't like that some individuals are better than others and should therefore "control and dictate" those below them. That is what pack mentality is about. I know the purpose of the pack mentality is survival (we are stronger together), but it's so damn ugly to take part in it. Harsh comments about the other persons flying between persons because they fight for climbing the social ladder. That's not what I consider a good life. It should be beneficial to praise and say good things to others, not constantly trying to convince everybody that you are a better individual than them. I know it's about accepting all consequences of the survival part of life, I'm just not fond of it, and that's what is 'weird' about me. From my perspective others are weird for just accepting the pack mentality.

Do you also have problems accepting the pack mentality in society?

If the only value of interaction you see is climbing the social ladder, and you do not wish to do so, then naturally you won't socialize. And even more so if you feel your personal integrity is at risk (you might want to think about why that is). Personally, the biggest value I see in socialization is shared information and hindering misconception, so I don't care about what the mob-mentality folks think.

Though if I weren't clear, I do know most of society is based on using socialization for pack-mentality purposes.

I was exactly like that as a child. Shy aspie kids are not the same as shy NT kids. As a kid, I didnt have much social awareness but I still still had some* social awareness along with stringent black and white thinking. On top of that, I did not how to interact with other kids so I just defaulted back to what was easy. So I was shy* as much as my social awareness was. I was not aware and still am not (at times) of things that NTs fret about. But then part of it is not shyness, its a default back to that lack of interaction which is easy. See NTs call it coming out of your shell, and for aspies its not really that. If we so called "came out of our shell" there would be quite a contrast in behavior. So I guess, your as shy as much as your social awareness permits. If you were not socially aware AT ALL, then you'd probably not be shy, maybe just withdrawn.

There's a difference between being socially aware and caring about it. I don't feel any guilt for doing whatever is considered socially inappropriate at that time/culture/situation as long as it harms no one (that doesn't deserve it). Why would I?
Though I guess the normal is to care? Or is that just a feature of social anxiety, excessively caring?
I do feel guilt for the way I've acted that hurt others in my (now distant) childhood, before knowing which behaviors were hurtful. But not about just "social inappropriateness" either now or in my past.

Last edited by Anomiel on 10 May 2013, 8:10 pm, edited 5 times in total.

The more my TOM expands, the more paranoid I get. I guess it is usual for aspies to be self conscious during childhood, but some of us are to the extent we can comprehend the world. To NTs, the going back and forth between shyness and boldness is seems strange. For me, its like I can walk into a room and be entirely shy, self conscious and scard and causing me to withdraw. But other times, I can get riled up with pushing my opinions and not realize its not the most appropriate. Then later I might recoil in my self guilt killing myself for what I did earlier. I get extremely confused between this shy, withdrawn, one moment, bold another moment and guiltful the next.

I've seen plenty of very shy people who I wouldn't think had Aspergers at all.

My shyness/embarassment really started at age 12. I was that "annoying" kid in elementary school who was always saying off-the-wall things, calling my teachers by their first name (because the teacher's name plate on her desk did have both first and last name), stating unusual facts, that kind of thing. Age 12, starting middle school, that's when I became more reserved, more withdrawn, more shy, more cautious. Must have been my ToM kicking in (I was just reading about that in Tony Attwood's book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome).

Shyness for me is sometimes feeling really uncomfortable being around people or certain people. Often I am uncomfortable around people who have authority and if someone in authority is rude, bullying, etc. to me then I kind of withdraw into myself it is at work. Otherwise I may be assertive if needed such as receiving a phone call that seems suspect such as someone selling something or asking personal information. Or if I am out and about and mistrust someone walking on the other side of the street I will leave the area as soon as I can.

If someone is a peer or equal to me at work and they are bullying often I may not stand for it and ignore them or not go out of my way to speak to them.

Shyness is feeling awkward around a group of people and includes not knowing what to say or being afraid to say the wrong thing for fear of embarassment, etc.