Pontifications of a self suspected Aspie.

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Are these things you would expect if you had Aspergers? I've got a month till my evaluation.


I get overwhelmed by social pressure all the time. It's hard to explain, but here it goes.
The other day I was sitting in a group of 6 people, and after they asked me what I did for work and I told them, I was tapped out.

The occasion was joyous and friendly as I stared at the artistically cracked paint atop a coffee table, sitting with three people to my right and two to my left in part circle, avoiding everyones gaze. My legs were awkwardly crossed, hands in between them to try and keep still. There were two different conversations going on, none of which I was a part of. I couldn't really differentiate what the two different groups were talking about, they both sounded as one, a conglomeration of incoherent vocal sounds. It seemed to me that the volume in which they were speaking continually grew to the point where I felt stressed. I sat there, overwhelmed, unable to willingly participate out of fear. As my heart rate went up I felt uneasy, and if the encounter lasted any longer I would've had to prematurely leave the room.

I'm looked at and treated as if I'm a fool during most social encounters I have, and the thing is, I know that to be partly true. Social ineptitude has made me a fool in everyones eyes, minus a choice few who I still rarely talk to.
Nobody takes me seriously because there is simply nobody around to do such a thing. I'm afraid that I don't have the ability to really establish a meaningful relationship or friendship without it inevitably leading to fallout.

I can ramble on about something I am currently interested in (like religion or astrophysics), in fact most times I turn to my interests when I don't know what to say, but when I'm faced with any typical social gathering that requires back and forth verbal communication I usually do one of four things:

1- I hide myself from everyone, avoiding any sort of social contact.

2- I put on an act, which is very tiring for me to keep up, one that gives people a good impression of me but can also instill expectations that I frankly can't fulfill.

3- I get nervous, stutter, and say something that is seen as ignorant, out of place, stupid, or disrespectful, and I am subsequently labeled as such.

4- I drone on and on about one or more particular subjects that I have invested an unusual amount of time studying.

I know I'm not just a driveling idiot, as some have said in the past, even though for so long I have accepted those words to be true representations of my character. I do feel inadequate in any gathering of people, and even though attempting to keep a social connection with someone can be rewarding in some ways, at the same time it can bring me an unbearable amount of stress, which over time builds up, and gets released emotionally towards some unlucky person, such as myself.
I'm tired of feeling, and being told that I can and should be 'normal', when all my attempts at normalcy come back inadequate and frowned upon.
I've hated myself for far too long. I need to accept myself for once, and try to work on this stupid depression.

you have a couple of aspie criteria from what you describe. do you do repetitive movements or have problems with eye contact? here's brief test: www.iautistic.com/test_AS.php

AS is a little different in everyone. Sounds like you have a lot of social issues that are really bothering you. You could have AS or be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I'd get a professional diagnosis.

I'm seeing a whole lot of social phobia here. On their own these symptoms are not indicative of an ASD, although some - not all - higher functioning autistics are socially aware enough to develop social anxiety.

All the tests I've taken say I'm most likely an Aspie, and yes I have repetitive movements like: head shaking, full body ticks, hand fidgeting, feet rocking... you name it. I also have difficulties making eye contact with strangers, people I don't like, or everyone when I'm nervous (which is a good portion of my time spent in social situations). Bright, artificial, contrasting lights bother me, and in some cases give me large headaches. loud sounds can agitate me as well as some materials. There's yarn I can knit with and yarn I absolutely despise touching.

Yeah, I've had social issues for a while now, and I've never really understood why. I've had plenty of acquaintances in the past (friends of the couple friends I had), but I never had a strong connection with anyone besides a very select few. These are those who have witnessed some of my ramblings and found me to be amusing in a not-so-typical way, so they kept initiating contact, (because I sure wouldn't!).

I read The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome in a matter of days, and reflecting back on my childhood I see a lot of similarities and correlations. Long story short, I'm personally conviced I'm on the spectrum, and I've scheduled an examination with a psychologist who specializes in ASD's to see if my self convictions are warranted or not.
Are there any other adults on here who have recently stumbled upon knowledge pertaining to AS and recieved a diagnosis? If so, would you attribute the feelings associated with your personal discovery relative to an utter state of shock? My initial reaction was to stop eating, bury my face in a book on Asperger's, and basically forget/ignore everything temporarily that didn't pertain to either AS or my past.
(Eating habits are back to normal since I finished the book)
I've been obsessing over it, and I wish my appointment was sooner than a month away.