A daughter of an aspergers dad

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I just found this website lastnight, when I was in real need of advice; after my dad had one of his many melt downs. To give a little about myself im the youngest girl of three children, and I have two older brother's none of us which have aspies. Our whole life my dad has been really hard on the three of us, he never seemed proud or involved in any of our lives, if it was to do with school my dad would knod his head like he was proud, but everything and anything else he has be littled us in every aspect of life, thankfully my mother on the other hand really made up for everything he didin't, she's over and above a lover and friend and constantly building us up to be the best we can . Back to my dad im now the only one that lives with him and it's very little im there, I try to avoid the house as much as I can, my brother's live with another family member trying to move ahead in life and my mom now lives with her mom until she finalizes the divorce, which is a total other ball game of "melt downs", my mom is such a loving person to end up with my dad is mind bogeling, they have been married 25 very very unhappy years, and I have only ever once seen my mom kiss my dad but he just pushed her away, any kind of affection resulted in being pushed away,all ive known growing up is fighting, im surprised my mom didin't leave when we were young, but she believes people can change, and was constinatly hoping for the best, My mom has finally had it with the melt downs! she is on medications for high blood pressure and deppression, which is heart breaking to see when you can break down such a strong women, she finally had to draw the line and leave , and with that being said she still hears and deals with the meltdowns all the time, my dad doesnt understand why she doesnt want to be with him and thinks its very silly of her to walk out after the last meltdown, he thinks the argument was something silly to leave over not realizing its been every other day in and out of it! the best way to decribe our lives with my father "is walking on eggs shells all the time"! !! ! You can't do anything right in his eyes your constantly out to "piss him off", I dont even eat at my house anymore i waste so much money eating out to avoid the fighting, if i do make something I have to make sure everything is EXACLY the way i found it and not a dust crumb left out to see, or else its the end of the world,and i do these things to make him mad! When really i will make sure to leave it cleaner than i left to avoid him blowing up but doesnt matter if everything was perfect he would still find something to get mad about! Another really sad thing about my father is, he doesnt know much about me besides the fact I went to school and im now a hairdresser, he has no idea the level of severe panic attatcks I deal with, and its mainly to do with him! Im a very happy person I have lots of friends and i enjoy helping other people, and when things are bad i dont let it get to me to much, but my dad is someone that i just cant deal with anymore, its really hard my situation because i wanted to go back to school to become a dentist, something i wanted to do my whole life, i finally signed everything off and my student loans, only to drop out right away because the stress at home was so hard i would never of completed the course, so as of know i have no choice but to get back to work full time and move out on my own for peace of mind! Which is really upsetting watching my friends parents let them live at home go to school help them out and not scream at them everyday! I swear if he sees you in a good mood he wants to make you miserable, its bizare!And when you do get a chane to sit and talk to him on a human to human level the whole conversation is one sided and on reapeat of every other conversations you have with him, may it be politics, religon, the world, world wars, science, his Italian culture,etc, he hyper focuses on these topics over and over and over again! Its stressful because he gets mad while talking about them to but at least for once its not you hes getting mad at so you listen, and he can never get the hint when your busy and you have to go he keeps talking and talking which i know, is all the major signs of aspergers. My dad is a brilliant man and because of this, it's benafited us in alot of ways in that aspect! but other than that hes is very hard to deal with, there is sooooo soo soo much more, its the first time ive let anything out about this, besides talking with my brothers and mom about it, i try not to talk about it, because its something that is always going on, so when i get a break or chance to let my mind clear for other things, this is usually the last thing i do! Thank you for anyone who reads this sorry for all the spelling mistakes:P But whats your take? Does anyone else relate with the same things with a aspie father?

I can't personally say all of those are legitimate meltdowns. A lot of them sound like anger issues and his refusal to see that he has a problem and needs help to me. It's really hard for us to make compromises and so on, but it is possible for the small things (like if he doesn't like that you put the mustard at the angle you did, you could have your own section of shelves and the fridge for your foodstuffs that has a separate makeshift door even, so he doesn't have to see it.) Which isn't even a complete compromise, but it's avoiding situations. Belittling people and making them feel miserable just because they're happy has nothing to do with being on the spectrum, and it's just someone being a jerk. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

AS, my ass.

He might have it, might not-- I don't know him and don't care.

What he is, is a horribly insecure, controlling dickhead.

My dad was definitely an Aspie; we were on our own together for six years (12 to 18). I was pretty glad to grow up and move out, but we were always close and by the time I'd hit my mid-20's and stopped being ashamed of him, he was my best friend in the world. He would yell over things like that-- sometimes, if he was in a really bad mood, if it was just one of those days. He would also apologize fairly quickly and admit when he was wrong. He might have been hot-tempered and attached to his point of view, but he wasn't an as*hole.

I wish he'd gotten custody of me sooner; he was the instrumental person who made what adaptive skills and self-acceptance I have possible. He wasn't perfect and he wasn't a saint-- he was, as I said, hot-tempered and more than a little bit of a fool-- but he was a good parent and a good human being.

My mom's dad would yell over things like that too-- and he was a great deal more like your father. I don't know if he was an Aspie or not-- I sort of suspect it but he died before I knew about the condition to make an assessment. I DO know that, while Daddy liked and accepted himself for who he was, Grandpa was ALWAYS, CONSTANTLY, OBSESSIVELY worried about judgment.

My father-in-law is completely NT; he's the same way. My mother-in-law resents him, I despise him (multiple good attributes notwithstanding), and my husband is in frank denial of the fact that he's turning into him.

Behavior like that doesn't come from AS. I find myself acting that way sometimes these days, but it's not an AS thing. I've had that all my life; I haven't always been a psychotic b***h. I think behavior like that comes from incredible, crippling insecurity (now, that can be a side effect of living with AS, if what one learns for a coping mechanism is that everything has to be perfect all the time or else, but that's another can of worms entirely); certainly that's the case in my life. If I'm not walking around thinking that I/we/everything must be perfect, I'm actually a nice and fairly functional if decidedly odd person. If I'm constantly worrying about "good enough/clean enough/smart enough/sexy enough/normal enough," I'm a stressed-out bundle of raw nerves that will do and/or say anything to force the maintainence of the perfect facade.

I have some sympathy for what might be going through your dad's head.

That doesn't mean what he's doing is right, or that you have to take it. Find another relative to move in with, or a couple of girls you can get an apartment with. Get a cheap old car and live in that if you really have to. But get the hell out of there and get yourself some counseling somehow-- whether that's from a professional or a smart friend-- before you get stuck spending the rest of your life either walking that tightrope or expecting to have to.

Really-- you don't want to spend the rest of your life walking the "perfect or else" wire, or thinking that you should. That attitude has done a lot more than AS has to ruin my life (and my family's life). I'd like to go back to liking me and being like, "f**k perfect." I'm old and there's been a lot of damage done; I don't know if I can. Don't let that happen to you.

For the OP-

Might seem like a minor point, but the syndrome is not called "aspies". People with the syndrome are called "Aspies". The syndrome is called "Asperger's".

While we can sympathize with your situation (well...some of us can), words have meanings, and you don't call a tree branch a tree. You differentiate and use correct terms, not related ones.

Thank you.

Every time someone thinks their partner or parent may be an aspie or thinks they are one, why is it always a jerk? When my husband came home one day and told me the psychiatrist told him he shows signs of autism, I couldn't believe it because he is a nice man and has no anger and isn't a OCD freak and blow up at every thing and isn't cold and not insensitive.

Your dad sounds more like an OCD freak.