Anyone else think they would “outgrow” their social issues?

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I remember having a very difficult childhood. Like many on this forum, I felt very different than other kids when growing up. I had difficulty establishing relationships with other kids (as a result, I would simply shadow my older brother). And, the teasing and bullying were difficult (when my brother was not around to protect me). I was sad and occasionally depressed. So, I found things that I enjoyed that I could do by myself. I still remember playing solitaire and backgammon in my room against myself (this was before computers ).

But I convinced myself that the situation was a "kid thing". That the other kids just needed to “grow out” of that stage (where kids are mean to one another). And, that once I was an adult, everything would be OK (as I would be accepted). Unfortunately, this didn’t happen as I struggled both at college (socially, not academically) and in the working world (again, socially).

Did anyone else, who was diagnosed later in life, just figure that you were an “odd” kid and would outgrow it once you became an adult? And, when did you realize that simply "becoming an adult" wasn't the magic elixir? And, how horrifying was that realization?

Please note, I grew up in the 1960s/1970s. So, I had no reason to believe that something was different about me. After all, my parents told me that I was a normal kid, just like everyone else

I never really saw myself as odd, and was largely oblivious to how I came across to other people until I actually heard from other people how I came across.

I did figure that people would outgrow being vicious pseudo-psychopathic gits, but some most assuredly did not.

I rarely had the opportunity to see myself as anything other than odd. I was oblivious and knew that I was but was uncertain as to what oblivion meant and exactly what I was applying it to. I stepped back and away from adults, so-called "peers" and loved the natural world, music and (secretly) words.

The majority of people seemed incredibly unkind, because they were. This hasn't changed. If anything, it seems to have gotten worse.

I was diagnosed as an Autistic/Savant when I was ten years old. The Psychologist (who was assigned to work with me via Public school) truly loved me for reasons that will forever mystify me, because I was a distant little galaxy. She so very much wanted me to to break free of the bubble I was in and so kept telling me that I would outgrown this...

I came out of the thick shell of the thick protective bubble, but the pain of having no protective armor was unreal. I'd been nonverbal for several years, but seriously proficient in language "in my head". I could sing, but wouldn't talk. I could read and write at levels nine years beyond my age, but had kept this hidden. I do not remember the reason for hiding this; I just did. I don't remember whether I believed the Psychologist about outgrowing Autism -- it was important to her. I was accustomed to being as I was. I remember only that she was very unhappy when she could not get through to me and I could not understand her frustration.

I suppose if someone is subjected to trauma and they are taken out of a place of trauma, it is possible for them to recover and "outgrow" something diagnosed as Autism. As for Autism, you can be high functioning and you can compensate but you do not outgrow it. No doubt there will be people who disagree with me, but I worked very hard to deny being Autistic and lead an independent life and be a successful person and I told myself I'd be all right, that I'd made it through, that life had done as much harm to me as could possibly be done...and I was wrong. I was denying the truth of who I was, pretending that I could get through anything life threw at me. There are people who misunderstand, people who don't intend to be cruel but are, people who think they love you but are just perceiving you in some strange way as a challenge or some impossible "thing" to be conquered -- and you don't perceive yourself in that way at all. I love unconditionally and people don't trust THAT. To me, this world is a place that's upside-down, where people who manipulate others are trusted and those who are innocent are looked upon with suspicion.

No. Sorry, Dr. Pasternak. I will always be Autistic. But you can't say I didn't learn to communicate and be somebody's wife as well as I was able and work very hard for many years.

I knew I was different and failed socially and my early years were almost exactly like the OP's for the exception of being the only child. I knew I was different(or perhaps the other kids infact were different as a group) in preschool/JK, never getting to do group play or make friends. I knew I was different and had social issues/no friends throughout elementry school although I failed to know and see how different really I was, I got isolated, bullyed and got in trouble alot at times for my social mistakes. Looking towards high school knowing I had AS for a few years I worked really hard to mask it off and start over since 80%+ of the kids were unkown to me so I figured with my self improvements and the fresh start I could maybe be social with a few people and maybe be decent in social standing since meny classes were elective and I had skills to bring to them(advanced skills had been my only hope in elementry school to cover for my social issues), nope it worked out just as bad or worse then elementry school. Even now in my special intrests as an adult I struggle socially just as bad and I now doubt that will ever end, sure over time you learn a little from experence however the impairment I think is for life. I have learned AS can't be masked off nor is it really in my best intrest overall.

UnseenSkye Thanks for your reply.

I guess I was mainly curious about folks who were diagnosed in late adulthood (like me). Maybe I should have posted in a different forum?

Anyways…

My parents obviously recognized that something was "up" with me as a child (as I was in therapy on several different occasions, in 1971, 1975, 1982-1986). Given that Autism was added to the DSM in 1980 and Aspergers in 1994, I am guessing that the Psychologists I saw simply diagnosed me with some anxiety and depression. They probably assumed that it was a "phase" and that I would "grow out of it". And, that was my presumption as well. That my social issues would be resolved, once I was an adult. It became a source of confusion throughout my adulthood.

It was not until I learned about Aspergers (in December, 2012), that the pieces of the puzzle came together. I am still dumfounded that I didn’t figure this out myself much earlier.

Verdandi Thanks for your reply.

Probably, odd was a poor choice of words on my part. As I think about it, I just saw others as idiots. When I was a youngster, I thought the other kids were mean, cruel idiots. When I entered the workforce, I thought peers and managers (especially managers) were idiots as well. After all, why would people purposely behave in an illogical manner. It made no sense. Now I realize, I was the idiot – LOL -

Regarding how I came across to other people, I was aware that something was up (i.e. that I came across differently than others). But, I did not know why. And, I didn’t know how to be more “normal”.

Since I was three grades ahead, I always thought my social issues were due to being younger. The times when I interacted with people my age were rarities, since neither my school nor my family had them. During my last years of high school, I finally met people three grades below me and I still felt different. Sometime around when I went to college, it was when I finally had my realization that becoming an adult wasn't magic and didn't automatically make you a good person. I only got diagnosed recently, since almost everyone assumed my issues were due to me being younger until the last few years.

My father still thinks I'll grow out of my AS symptoms, even after my diagnosis. My mother still insists that becoming an adult means that you stop being mean to other people. Both of them still believe that "adulthood" is the miracle cure, despite both being adults themselves.

My experience is pretty much the same, too. I never understood why other kids had to be so unnecessarily nasty to me. That was my experience throughout my school years, even at university. I kind of got used to how they would treat me and pretty much expected that kind of treatment. I still half believed that I would somehow be able to learn to fit in eventually.

By the time when I was uni, I started to realize that things wouldn't change even in adulthood because other people's malice became rather subtle yet was unmistakably real. I realized and accepted the fact that I would have to deal with it for all my life. That was when I was at uni. I still had no clue to why I was the one to be treated in that way because I didn't even know such a condition as AS existed.

Currently I'm trying to figure out how I can have a successful and happy life without being affected by the social issues. At the moment social issues are affecting me greatly to the point where even my positive traits (intelligence, logical mind, good memory, attention to detail etc) are ruined by them. Now that I know that I would never be able to be socially accepted in any place, I have to find an alternative way to achieve my potentials. Being aware of what condition you have certainly helps you choose the right path for you.

I'm not diagnosed but have recently asked to be assessed.

I felt the same as Rocket123 as a kid except that I didn't think I'd grow of it. As an adult I play quiz games by myself - so not a lot has changed.

By the time I was about 17 I was sure I wouldn't grow out of it and I knew it was something that was here to stay.

Thanks rapidroy, Sciuridae, jk1, gratin for your replies.

I think I need to clarify my question/statement a bit.

So, I didn’t think I would “outgrow” my social issues via some sort of personal transformation. Not at all.

Some background - As a child, while I had issues with my peer group, I seemed to get along better with adults (per my Post). I was able to develop a “connectedness” with certain adults. The adults seemed more forgiving and understanding of who I was. They were more tolerant and accepting of people not exactly like themselves. And, I sensed (perhaps incorrectly) that adults were more civil when engaging with other adults.

As such, as a child, I thought my peer group would evolve and become more “adult-like”. As such, I figured my difficulties of dealing with my peer group would “magically” go away (as they became adults). I was hoping my childhood would pass as quickly as possible, so that I could become an adult and escape this difficult phase of my life. Boy, was I wrong

Anyone else experience this thought pattern? For me, it was horrifying to realize that my social difficulties would continue to plague me throughout my life (into adulthood).

Well... I didn't really realize I had social issues. Not until I was in college; and even then it was more like I was just oblivious than anything else. By the time I realized why I had never had any friends, I was an adult already.

Not everybody with autism focuses on their social skills deficits. Maybe it's even that some of us have social skills deficits that keep us from noticing how little we connect with others.

I honestly prefer this state of affairs (though of course I've never experienced any other)--I'd rather be satisfied with solitude than be constantly worried I am not good enough to have friends.

And, ironically, I've started to have friends anyway. Granted, friends I only see two to four times a month, or e-mail maybe every two months when they initiate the contact, but... friends. Go figure.

Rocket123, I got your point: The belief, that when people grew up, they would become more mature, tolerant, accepting and understanding and they would treat you respectfully even if you were somehow different from them, turned out to be completely wrong!!

My experience has been exactly the same. What you described in you last post very accurately describes my experience.

I managed to "outgrow" AS ... to a degree where today few people (who don't know the syndrome really well) would think I'm on the spectrum.

But it's been the work of a lifetime. If you're interested check out my post in the General discussion section on "Aspies as Shamans."

Best of luck to ya ...

I was undiagnosed and autism was not well known when I was a kid, so yes. I thought I could outgrow whatever was wrong with me and learn to appear normal. I tried very hard to do so for most of my life. I'm in my mid-30's now, so I doubt it's ever actually going to happen. It's depressing to realize at this point that I'm unlikely to achieve much of anything or live a normal life, but perhaps kids who are diagnosed at a young age have it worse. They seem to believe in themselves even less than I do, but on the other hand, they never built up false hopes like I did.

Callista Thanks for your reply.

I didn’t realize I had social issues until I was an adult. As a child, I realized that my connectedness to peers was different than other kids, mainly through observation (of my siblings and other children in the neighborhood).

I remember the first time I questioned whether I had social issues. I was going with my parents to a party put on by their friends (it was a family event). I was basically by myself almost the entire party. I spoke with a couple of people, albeit briefly. I couldn’t maintain a conversation. I had no idea what to say to strangers (or people I see once every couple of years). I was so happy when it was over. I remember thinking to myself, for the first time, that I wasn’t good in social settings. I remember telling this to my parents. I remember them telling me that “you do fine” (in those settings). They told me I was no different than others. I believed them.

Nonperson – I’ve had this same exact thought -- being unlikely to achieve much of anything, after having built up false hopes.

I grew up with tremendous expectations. My parents were quite successful, career-minded parents (having themselves grown up from very humbling beginnings). They expected their kids to overachieve (as they had). As such, I had tremendous pressure when I was young – to do well in school and to be “active” in school activities. I did relatively well in school (for those classes I enjoyed – LOL), but avoided the school activities (like the plague – LOL).

As a young adult, I figured that I could realize my parent’s expectations by simply doing well in college, getting a job and advancing. After all, that’s what happened on TV (and I watched a lot of TV in the 1970s).

Unfortunately, that pathway was a complete struggle.

First, I dropped out of college, being unable to handle the social aspects of college. I eventually went to a local university (where I lived at home, while going to school). This ended out working reasonably well. As I was able to graduate with honors. Naturally, I made no lasting relationships. Which was OK with me (as I didn’t attend college to establish social relationships).

Then, I entered the working world. I thought you simply needed to do a good job (and good things would happen). I didn’t realize what was involved – from a social perspective – to succeed in the corporate world. They didn’t talk about this in college. They didn’t talk about it on TV. I had no idea.

Before learning about Aspergers (and subsequently being diagnosed), it had been distressing and frustrating to have achieved so little after building up those false hopes. Now I realize that this type of achievement is no longer important. I now know better.